Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

[Blueberry]

No sir, if you want your originals back you have to do some negotiation on price.

You go girl!

This one I've set in motion now! It did take me about 24 hours to be able to set a new price, but I've done it. I've also closed my email pgm to give myself a break, summon up emotional strength again etc.

Needless to say, the client is not very happy. For the moment I've asked him to tell me what he thinks a "reasonable price" is.

I may even hand him his documents back and tell him to find somebody else. That way I'd have to give him the money back he has already paid but it feels worth it. He's in a rush - clients usually are in this field, wanting you to make up for the fact that they didn't get themselves organised earlier.

My latest email to him is fairly to the point. It feels good to me which is partly why I'd be willing to forgo any pay and let him take this work somewhere else. The other reason is it seems 'small payment' for my renewed realisation that I need and want to get out of this profession for my sanity. I need and want to get out now.

As san pointed out further upthread I'm discovering my own boundaries. It's difficult. These are further realisations on how messed up I am due to my childhood, how much being this messed up affects, well, everything. It's more points to grieve. Having already grieved lack of a real FOO (at least grieved to some extent), I'm now beginning to realise there's a grief process due to start on idk what to call it - my professional life as a translator and the fact that it's pretty nigh impossible. Things feel pretty rocky rn but I've been through this kind of stuff before. 

[Blueberry]

Today I feel up the proverbial creek without a paddle. Am dreading contacting one client and can understand why he might end up being 'somewhat annoyed'. This isn't the one I was dealing with yesterday. I did come up with a partial solution while lying in bed. But it's only partial.

I know it's child-like behaviour to hide in fear and not contact, but that's where I'm at.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry -  to you and I hope that you are able to negotiate your way through this, and do whatever you want to do.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

where you're at is all that is - where you're at.  you'll move to a different place when you're ready or need to.  no judgments. 

these realizations are difficult - i know that from experience.  i've also learned that during the grieving process we often go back to old behaviors cuz they're 'known' and therefore somewhat comforting - grieving is a time of such turbulence, disturbance, and feeling out of sorts.  so, we go with something familiar just to feel a bit more settled amidst the whirlwind.

sending love and a hug filled with patience while you're going thru this.  more strength, too, if needed. 

[Blueberry]

Strength much appreciated. I'm getting thru bit by bit. Some clients better reactions than others.

[Blueberry]

Things are looking muuuuuch better. No new crises in my professional work and the crises that were there are pretty much solved. I did manage to handle further negotiations with my translation clients in a fairly satisfactory way. Then a prospective adult student came for a first appointment. That went really well as well, which was surprising since the day was somewhat chaotic, e.g. I kept losing important things right under my own nose and spending ages looking for them.

[Blueberry]

One thing I had trouble with later on today was seeing a post on here where I wasn't sure if it was completely OK. So Report to Mod and think about it. But because of Kizzie taking a bit of time off as she's explained, I went into idk a bit of a panicky state wondering: do I modify the post?? Do I not? A bit of an EF I guess. It's as if it's totally urgent and if I don't act immediately all * will break loose and then that'll be my fault.

While writing about this I once again remember a question on a test we were given when I was only 7. There was a scenario of a little girl left at home to keep an eye on things for a short time. Her M warned her - don't leave the front gate open, your 2year old brother might get on the road, don't forget to turn the oven off and take the cake out or the house might burn down. Those two I remember still. There were one or two more though.

As soon as M left the house all the calamities started happening. The question was: which one should the little girl attend to first. I had no idea. I was panic-struck. I've remembered this question all this time because it was so awful imagining all these calamities and not having a clue which would be more dangerous. Now I know obviously: the house isn't going to go on fire, while you're outside grabbing your little brother so he doesn't go on the road. The cake might get singed, that's all.  It wasn't because I was dumb that I couldn't figure it out then, it was more blind fear of my own M and the way she reacted when I didn't recognise things as fast as she did. Also because the punishment was often far more than the 'crime' warranted, I was often more on the lookout for "What will displease M least?" as opposed to "What would be sensible in this situation?". In the above example I wasn't quite sure that the little brother potentially being hit and injured on the road was worse than the house burning down. Not because I was nasty and uncaring, I wasn't. I loved my own little brother. But because I was frightened and I wasn't deep down sure how M would react. Neither her words nor her actions showed much value placed on human life. Not that I had that all worked out then in words and rational thought.

I hope when I read this through again tomorrow I'll have more idea on why this memory is linked to my actions moderating. Anyway fortunately Kizzie checked and OKed the post.

[Blueberry]

I was meant to get my final bit of proofreading in this morning, I thought at noon but no actually the office closed at 11:30 Oh, well then tomorrow afternoon they'll be open again. It's high time I gave this crapola up. Sometimes while working on this kind of thing I think "Oh, it's not sooo bad after all." It is. In fact, it's worse. By the time I'm three-quarters finished, I'm always heartily sick of it but have to continue. And then my hourly pay is about €7 an hour. It's just not worth it.

[Blueberry]

I've got a therapy appointment tomorrow since I inquired on Monday and somebody else cancelled .

Although I no longer feel 1)  as if my whole professional life is crashing down on me and 2)  like a frightened child, it'll still be good to have a chance to discuss some of the developments in the last while with T and also see what would make sense most for him to work on with me. There are so many topics. For some I think I just need patience cuz they're already in motion, for others well I'm still running away from doing EFT or Screen Processing on them on my own.

I know others on here feel triggered by Trump. I've realised I actually feel triggered why what's going on in the UK atm. I don't think it's a narc trigger but still it's a trigger which I'd been covering up with sarcastic remarks in my head instead of feeling what's underneath. UK politics are reminding me too much of FOO.

I washed a pile of dishes and listened and moved to 80's music while I was about it. On some days that would have been that. But today that energised me to continue cleaning by moving onto myself. Shower and hair-wash looooooong overdue. Before that I cleaned the showerbase. That had been waiting even longer. I'd better not even guess how long. I feel loads better now. 

[Hope67]

 
I am really glad to hear you're feeling loads better, and I very much hope that your therapy appointment goes well tomorrow.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

My T appointment was good, helped get things moving again and brought clarity. I wrote about it in my paper journal on the way home.
___________________________________

Today I took part in a rhetorics course for women. It was a component of another course I'm taking atm otherwise I'm sure I never would have gone. The final part of it involved giving a little speech (2-3 mins) and being filmed while doing so. Before delivering the little speech we had about 10 minutes in which to prepare for it. My brain blanked more or less right away, so I couldn't even prepare properly. But I got up and did my thing anyway. Afterwards when we all watched me on film, I was so surprised at how relaxed I looked, smiling broadly at some points, especially at the beginning before I started talking. I looked animated at times too. This is a huge change.

I also managed to almost completely cover up the fact that I'd hardly prepared. I did have a few points and cues on my paper but I was so idk what exactly that I couldn't read and react to it. It seemed more like: I can do this stuff off-the-cuff even of some of me closes down.

All of us had the opportunity to say how we saw ourselves before the others commented. I was the only one who started out positive about self.  I knew I needed to do that for myself and my Inners, but I was surprised how easy it was for me. There were a lot of positive comments from others too. Even something I saw as negative - I was moving from right to left while speaking - a couple of others said they thought my body was showing my thought processes and it didn't detract.

I saw for myself that my choice of clothing wasn't too good but it didn't bother me the way it would've not so long ago. I noticed it cognitively but I didn't feel ashamed of it. My hair was a bit messy too, it often is. But that didn't really bother me either. It was more cognitively noticing but also accepting that atm I'm not in a place where I feel I can do anything much about it, so I don't. This is huge too - not feeling shame and self-hate at the mere sight of myself in general and sight of myself in action.

FOO, especially M and B1, were always attacking me verbally on my appearance even down to things like how I smiled or how I walked. That made me painfully self-conscious for years, decades even. Big chunk of healing going on now

[Wattlebird]

Yay blueberry,
Observing yourself cognitively and not judging emotionally is a huge step and big congrats and well done   

[Three Roses]

Wow!  Big chunk of healing, indeed! 

[Hope67]

I was so surprised at how relaxed I looked, smiling broadly at some points, especially at the beginning before I started talking. I looked animated at times too. This is a huge change.

Big chunk of healing going on now

This is really great, Blueberry.   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thanks everybody Maybe I should have said 'public speaking' actually. However the changes in me are the most important thing.

I slept and dozed most of today so when I checked back on here and saw all your messages and my own post I suddenly saw the lightbulb. Bing! That's why not much else is going on, that's why I don't have the motivation to get on with other things on my list or even just have fun or something.