Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

Started by Blueberry, August 25, 2018, 03:20:30 AM

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Sceal

Merry Christmas!
I am glad that you have found peace in being on your own, and no longer feel the ICr due to your FOO being nasty

Wattlebird

Definitly sounds like progress, I'm glad you didn't feel bad about being on your own and had no flashbacks as well yay.
Happy holiday season blueberry may the new year bring you peace in all areas of your life.  :sunny:

Hope67

Quote from: Blueberry on December 24, 2018, 11:55:02 PM

I didn't have any flashbacks in church this time  :) I enjoyed the music and singing and candles and the quiet peacefulness. There as well as at the midnight gathering, I felt this real feeling of belonging! That means so much to me

That sounds wonderful, Blueberry -  :hug:
Hope  :)

Three Roses

QuoteI felt this real feeling of belonging!

Such a great feeling! ❤️👍

Blueberry

Yeah, it really is 3R! And the feeling of belonging is continuing too!

Lots of good stuff today and in the past few days, so much that it's too much for 3 Good Things Today thread.
The feeling of belonging: I remember last year at the farm round Christmas time, they were singing carols a capella. I didn't dare to join in knowing that I have a lot of trouble hitting the correct notes. Last night and a couple of days ago, I announced that I can't actually sing, really, despite being in a choir, and that I sing the "5th voice" and then I sang the carols I knew without even being self-conscious. And nobody said or even underhandedly indicated that I should keep my singing to myself. (Unlike in FOO in the past, even though nobody in FOO is a particularly good singer either).

On Christmas Day I decided, having only been at one choir practice for the Christmas service, that I would go to church, but so as not to rush around which is harmful to me, I'd just go as I was, straight from Christmas Dinner at the farm in fact and without my music, and I wouldn't sing with the choir, I'd just sit in the pew like everybody else. Despite the fact that everybody in choir has heard my singing lapses from time to time or even more often, two of my fellow sopranos said it was a shame I wasn't going to sing and then one said I could share her music (you mean you don't mind me singing off-tune right in your ear?? Apparently not). So I sang with the choir after all and enjoyed it. In fact I shared music with a different singer, so that was a third person positively enabling me to join in. This is so different from FOO's treatment of me. (FOO: you're a burden. Shut up, pipe down, go away. You're ruining our life / day / holiday / enjoyment....)

Other stuff: my back light on my borrowed bike gave up the ghost when I was at the farm a few days ago so one of the young farmers had a look at it for me and then further conferred with an experienced bike mechanic who happened to be visiting there today. The bike mechanic told me how I could mend it, tho he mentioned it's a bit tricky, and added I ought to paint over a very rusty spot to prevent the bike falling apart at that spot. With all my problems with doing things with my hands (all cptsd stuff and often with horrendous results), these jobs are basically impossible. The young farmer doesn't know all these effects at all, but he immediately offered to do that bike work for me on Monday when I'll be there again :cheer:   So I don't have to pay anybody for it. It's not something he has to do at all, and it's not as if he doesn't have any other work to do atm or that I don't get a form of remuneration from them. It's just him being kind and helpful. Cool. :thumbup:

Today a good friend came to visit with her son, who is my godson. In fact they dropped by on me at the farm, where I'd just finished my work. I haven't seen them since I was severely triggered by my godson and his siblings in the summer. Though it wasn't their fault, they couldn't help it at all! It was just cptsd in all its contortions and guises...

Anyway this time no triggering! Among other things, we visited the animals, which I don't often do at the farm because I don't work with them directly. My godson had fun watching the animals and stroking where possible and his mum and I did too but also had a nice chat. It was nice and warm where the sun was shining and generally very pleasant.

My fridge is brim-full of food, healthy stuff not junk.

Both last night and today, I massaged ointment into my feet. Self-care! My skin is pretty dry anyway and my feet often very tired and stressed. Massaging them always makes me yawn like crazy which in my case means physical tension is being released. Yeah, that's the word I was looking for - my feet hold a lot of tension, so it's really good for them when I massage them.

Round about writing on here and reading/moderating, I've been getting up a lot to move around to various more modern Christmas carols and now to nursery rhymes. I do sometimes enjoy these. I know that when I dance around to a particular nursery rhyme 5 times in a row it does mean that an IC needs that. It's good that I take the time to give this to the relevant IC. It's similar with these particular carols or maybe Xmas songs would be a better description. Get up and dance to them, helps me re-ground.

Last night I forgot to put out our building's communal compost bin to get it emptied this morning, today I noticed that it's empty which means that somebody else thought of it yesterday!! :applause: :applause: Not that it's my job, but usually when I forget, nobody else thinks of it either. Maybe the words I had with another woman in the building on the topic of locking the front door at night and leaving it locked (which she was pretty annoyed about - my mentioning it, that is) have had an effect? Because me, I'm often fairly annoyed at the amount of communal activities in the building, like putting various garbages out, locking front door at night, dealing with mice infestation, informing landlords about dripping basement ceiling etc etc fall to me. My annoyance leads me to occasionally attempt to discuss with neighbours. Despite the other woman's denial, it seems as if my words may have led to an improvement :)


sanmagic7

wow, blueberry!  what a lot of good stuff!    :applause: :applause: :applause:

i feel so very happy for you.  that belonging stuff is a biggie.  how wonderful that you got to sing, which i know you love to do, and no one criticized.  i could totally relate - got some of that criticism myself - but now, with this d, she realizes that it's something i love to do, whether i hit the right notes or not.  yep, it feels so good.

i've always thought that if someone was singing, no matter what it sounded like, it meant that their heart was light.  same with whistling.  people usually don't do either when they're down in the dumps.

yay, you!  love and hugs, sweetie,.

Wattlebird

Good stuff all over the place yay
I think singing is good for the soul, go for it, I'm glad others around you encouraged rather than criticised, sounds like you have some good people around you atm  :cheer:

Blueberry

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 29, 2018, 01:26:30 AM
i've always thought that if someone was singing, no matter what it sounded like, it meant that their heart was light.  same with whistling.  people usually don't do either when they're down in the dumps.

I think you're right! Not that I'd ever thought about it before. So thanks for pointing it out :) So glad that singing is something you do too and that your d doesn't discourage you.

san and Wattlebird, I'm all smiles at both your posts :hug: :hug: singing is certainly very good for my soul and it's something I've longed to be able to do and join in on for years. I don't have a big long bucket list, but this was definitely on it. The good thing is: it's not some activity like bungee jumping that you do once and it's over, singing is something I can join in on again and again :cheer: 
_____________________________________

More progress: Last night after being on here and then doing some other stuff on the computer, I discovered that the front door had been left slightly open again and it was 1:30 AM! Man, was I annoyed :pissed:. I could hear people above me so knew who'd left it open. I pulled it closed and then locked it. Not too much later there was a little knock at my door. It was my refugee neighbour, who's just moved out with his family, wanting to introduce me to the man taking over his apartment and presumably to ask how to open the door.

I finally voiced my anger. There were two additional friends of his there. I didn't care. My words were something like "I asked you just last week to make sure this door is closed at night and you agreed to doing so from now on. It is ONE o'clock in the morning! In this country doors are closed at night. You ask me for help all the time and I help you and your family and in this case you aren't willing to do something I requested that makes me feel safe in the evening and night. Anybody could walk into the building!! Things do happen in this town, it's not completely crime-free! I feel that you are not taking me seriously and I am really angry." His friends tried to protect him "We didn't know, we'll close it now." I wasn't taking any of that denial stuff "Neighbour knew, I spoke to him just last week about it!"

OK, I do realise one can include more "I feel" statements etc but  :applause: :applause: to self for expressing this and not holding it in. I might manage more "I feel" statements at some time in the future, a few years from now. I feel very self-conscious using them when other people aren't. atm my progress is in a) expressing my anger and b) doing so coherently from my Adult persona.

Further progress: I don't feel bad at all about my expressing this last night. And beyond that, there's only a tiny vestige of fear that they'll get revenge somehow by attacking me. I know that's a FOO thing though, that's not reality. So the tiny vestige of fear is a tiny, tiny EF. I stayed in bed most of today, I felt exhausted. No wonder, that was a big deal last night.

(Other good thing - I've just been moving around to Xmas songs again :) )

I totally accepted myself lying in bed for most of the day.  :applause:

I got up in the early evening to go to the evening church service, since I'm unlikely to manage Sunday service at 9:30 AM. At church I was praying for help and strength and for God to be beside me. Then suddenly I started thanking instead of praying for. Thank you for there being people to help me (e.g. at the farm with my bike), thank you for me being able to see godliness in other people. Things like that. All pretty brief. It's progress for me because I didn't grow up with any of this. I'm discovering belief and God, and discourse with God as I go, as an adult. With my allergy to 'musts', I don't have any routine with this either. I sometimes pray when I'm in church before the service starts, if I'm there early enough. Not something I do at home, but that might come with time too.

Another good development I noticed at the farm: They don't tell me or insinuate in any way that I'm a burden. Unlike FOO. It's really good to notice the difference. It's obvious to them at the farm that I'm not capable of doing an adult's normal day's work there, nor can I necessarily work up to speed but unlike FOO they're grateful for all what I do do, and they say so. They don't mess around with "it's all your fault we had a bad harvest, you're too slow" which is the kind of thing I heard from FOO all the years. It's good to notice once again that other people don't join in with FOO's emotional abuse of me. They don't even see me as this "bad person" that FOO does. FOO's treatment of me and their refusal to allow others to support me in any way left me believing everybody in the world would agree with FOO. But they don't.  :thumbup:

Last night I lay awake a long time in bed and slept rather fitfully. The good thing is: in one of my awake bouts I wanted to eat some of my Christmas chocolate. But I didn't. :thumbup:  I didn't feel into why I wanted chocolate. That's progress for another time. Baby steps count here.

Hope67

Hi Blueberry,
:cheer: that you voiced your anger.  That is really great.  There are so many positive things here in your Journal entry - and you've reminded me that moving around to Xmas songs is a good thing - I think I'm going to do that later today. 
:hug: to you, Blueberry. 
Hope  :)

sanmagic7

wow, wow, and more wow, blueberry!   :applause: :applause: :applause:

i saw nothing wrong with your anger and how you expressed it.  personally, and i know that 'i feel' statements is touted to be the 'proper' way to express anger, but come on!  what you said, to me, was totally appropriate.  i actually think 'i feel' statements can blunt the anger expression cuz we're focused on saying it in an approved manner.  besides, i think it only works well if the other person is aware of that kind of anger expression.

i've seen/heard too many times - "but, i used 'i feel' statements, and they still  . . . .whatever".  i think that as long as there's no swearing, name calling, mocking, etc., that saying it like it is, like you demonstrated, is perfectly acceptable.  i think you did extraordinarily great!    :cheer:  well done.

sounds like you're making progress all over the place, including not ragging on yourself for staying in bed.  what you did WAS a big deal, and i can certainly relate to being exhausted afterward.  you deserved to rest.  and i'm also glad for you that you're noticing how the people on the farm treat you differently than your foo.  good for them and good for you.

progress all over the place, my dear.  keep on dancing - it's such a feel-good type of movement.  yay, you!   love you and  :hug: :hug: :hug:

Three Roses


Blueberry

That door? It's staying closed now :thumbup:

Since yesterday I've been feeling kind of shaky and very weak physically. I don't want to do anything but lie in bed. Maybe it's my body's way of forcing me to take a break, Idk. Anyway, I'm in bed a lot and not on here.

Wattlebird


sanmagic7


Hope67

Dear Blueberry,
Wishing you a really good rest and recuperation, and I hope you are comfortable and warm and cosy - if you like warm and cosy of course.   :hug: to you.
Hope  :)