[Blueberry]

I managed to teach, then I turned down all my students for tomorrow and the rest of the week.

The realisation I had earlier today while dozing was that one part of my eating disorder (and other problems) is: "I don't care". Saying that, thinking that as a child was a form of protection for me. FOO criticised, I replied "I don't care." There was more to my realisation but it seems to have sunk back down again.

A secondary realisation was that lying in bed sleeping and having some realisations is much more important rn than trying to be normal, whether that's teaching or cleaning my apartment. When realisations are coming up, they're coming up whether short-term inconvenient or not.

[Blueberry]

Two days ago was two days ago. Now that no more massive realisations are coming up, it's time to activate myself. I 'discussed' the issue with one of my therapy animals (stuffed toy type) and she was in total agreement

I was reading in my paper journal and exactly a year ago I was telling myself I needed to activate myself then too. I was also suggesting I spent less time here on OOTS. It's not a question of stopping moderating I don't think. Anyway, I'm going to end on that and go and be active. That precludes doing anything else on my computer.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I like the fact you discussed the issue with your therapy animal - and she was in total agreement.  It made me smile    Just wanted to send you a hug 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Hope 

I was working on my eating disorder today. I noticed again that when I don't allow myself to overeat, I end up restricting myself in other ways too. This afternoon I went to bed for a while instead of eating. Although I've had quite a lot of the type of therapy where they ask you: What could you have done instead? There must be something between overeating and going back to bed, it still seemed impossible to do anything constructive in that moment. Could be a very very small inner child from an age where you only eat or sleep.

I did get quite a bit of other stuff done though today. A fair amount of cleaning, also some tidying and throwing things out. Various emails. Also cooked a semi-healthy meal. Went to church this evening, which reminded me that sometimes it has helped me in the past to pray "Deliver us from evil", the evil being that which doesn't do me any good e.g. overeating.

It would probably be beneficial in the medium-term if I wrote a couple of emails to FOO tonight. I note though how hard it is. Anyway I'm signing off now and will only write in my paper journal for the next two weeks.

[Wattlebird]

I think the small inner child idea is a possibility, seems to fit. I love your self awareness. I struggle with it a lot, but I'm improving 

[Blueberry]

I wrote over on Extremely Difficult Day, then signed off. Then sat drinking my tea and thinking of other things I could have written about that narc. But come back on and everything's gone from my mind. So too early to write, except that this narc reminds me of SIL2 so now I know: she's a narc as well. This narc also reminds me of B1 - she takes up so much space verbally and just by being.  Not sure if that's for her or for B1 or both.   This place is a yoga ashram but not everybody who works here acts particularly the way you're meant to as a yogi.

Anyway, I'll go for a walk in the woods now and then I have a yoga session. I may feel tired after both, but I will also feel better.

[Three Roses]

  a walk in the woods sounds lovely! I'll be there with you in spirit. Or not, if you'd rather walk alone. ♥️

[Blueberry]

Thanks 3R! Your safe company was great, but I'm glad nobody from the yoga place attempted to join in the walk
________________________________________

Putting Narc Woman aside for a while, I went through lots of growth at the yoga place. Lots of steps forward and realisations. I've come back with more energy and more determination, at least for carrying out some activities.

While at the yoga place, my self-care was better - I brushed both my hair and my teeth more often and there was only one day when I was a bit late taking my second medication. I've been better about taking my meds at home now for a long time but it's often harder for me somehow when I'm away. As far as I noticed there was only one day on which I pulled out a hair. This also is huge. It's also something to explore - why do I do it at home semi-continuously?? Though today it has not been semi-continuous, I'm still mindfully not doing it 

I usually ate at the Silent Table and concentrated on what I was eating - texture, flavours - and chewed thoroughly. I was also more aware of when I was full. I also realised a few things about my eating disorder. Temporarily forgotten but I wrote them in my paper journal.

The biggest change was maybe feeling tempted to come onto OOTS and write about this and that in the early part of my holiday (before Narc Woman put in an appearance) but then deciding not to. I managed to write lots in my paper journal. I did EFT often, more or less everyday, because I had to deal somehow with certain feelings or happenings. I even EFT'd one day simply because I had done too much work. It was important to accept and forgive myself for that     Sometimes I felt too physically exhausted in my arms to do my EFT (it feels like this at home often too) but in the end I'd make a second attempt at it even if I only did my face because I knew I had to help myself somehow. I even did Screen Processing a couple of times.

I had a number of realisations about work and my problems with it. I also pulled through with my 3 hours a day work though as soon as I "had to" work (after about 6 days), I noticed various emotional obstacles. So EFT, Screen Processing... and I worked. 

I've come home with more impetus than normal to clean and tidy my apartment. After all, cleaning was what I was doing at the yoga place and I managed there without getting particularly exhausted, or when I did get emotionally exhausted, I looked at the issue and moved on

[Jdog]

Great report of a good growth spurt, Blueberry!  You have every right to feel proud.

[Blueberry]

Thanks Jdog 

This evening I picked up a large sheet of paper that's been lying on a pile in the corner for a year - my attempt to write a list of Goals about this time last year. I gave up on it last January though. This evening I wrote all sorts of goals and in-between steps to help me reach those goals and have taped it to the wall. Some blockage has just become unblocked

I may not complete all the goals and allowing myself this helps me not feel pressure. But it also really helps me to have a list like this on the wall.

[Jdog]

 

[BeHea1thy]

Some blockage has just become unblocked

 

[Blueberry]

Bit of a downward trend the past few days, but I'm back on my feet and moving forwards again today. I wrote a must/could list when I got up. I had got up with the idea of going back to bed, but I didn't do so! I started clearing some shelving of all sorts of stuff - papers mostly. Some of them are going straight in the bin, others belong filed away somewhere else. I'm clearing the shelving so that I can push it back where it belongs, which is beside my wardrobe and not diagonally in front. It's rather in the way of opening my wardrobe, tho I can do so, and it's also blocking light. It's been that way for a couple of years (!) but is now on my Goal List to improve upon.

I got a letter from my new landlords today, but only addressed to my business. I noticed anxiety right away: "oh no, oh no, oh no. Are they evicting me? Or putting my rent up?" Eviction (even after 3 months) would be pretty upsetting and difficult for me atm. And if they 'just' put my rent up, that would be difficult. But I calmed myself a bit - just open the letter and read it first! It might not be bad news. And it wasn't    Just a little form to fill in and telling me where to pay my rent as of tomorrow.

[Blueberry]

I've been re-reading my own threads on the Employment board. Despite deciding in the first half of 2018 that I wouldn't be looking for P/T employment in the next while (I didn't stipulate a timeframe but in my mind it's 2 years), I'm now seriously considering it again. I feel under-challenged atm.

While I was working at the yoga place, I was doing EFT and/or Screen Processing daily because I had to. Now that I'm at home again, I'm not. Nor am I doing things which I decided would be good to do. I mean at the yoga place I did cleaning and other household stuff for 3 hours a day, so I decided at home I could clean at least 2 hours a week, excluding washing dishes and laundry, since I do these 2 household tasks regularly anyway. Now I'm doing neither cleaning nor washing dishes/laundry. Same old: I'll do it for other people but not for myself.

I actually came onto the computer a good number of hours ago to write a couple of inquiry emails. One is to the second farm of the place where I work payment-in-kind. I discovered by chance that at the other farm, they're short of people to work at the farm shop on weekends, such that they're even wondering about closing on certain days or in certain months. I could actually imagine trying it out. I would have to be properly employed though. The next logical step would be mentioning to the second farm and asking exactly what they need and when, how often. But I'm putting that off.

The other email is to a restaurant out of town which employs a certain number of disabled people, including 'psychologically-disabled'. In fact their whole reason of existence is to employ as many disabled people as possible. I want to at least inquire whether I would have a chance there. Not that I'm good at cooking or even especially interested in it but there are other jobs, including looking after the grounds. I hope they don't employ any narcs. The two permanent people on the other farm aren't narcs. I know them both a bit. The idea for me at either place would be very P/T work, enabling me to keep going with one-on-one teaching. Since I came back from the yoga place, my interest has been re-kindled in translating children's literature. I have no other interest in translation though.

Maybe I need to forgive myself the seeming 'fiddling around' I've been doing in the last few days. Possibly it's a time of upheaval I need to go through while I figure out where else I'm going? Talking about 'fiddling around', while I was going through some papers, I found a really old diary of mine from when I was ten years old, where there was just a tiny little space for each day. On quite a few days I'd written that I'd "just fiddled around all day".

[Blueberry]

So when your tactics seem not to be working, maybe it's time to change tactics? It seems e.g. that deciding I ought to be able to do 2 hours a week cleaning, but not including washing dishes or laundry, was putting me off doing anything. So the constructive thing would be to find a more beneficial way of putting that for myself. Possibly a higher number of hours per week, but including washing dishes or laundry? Or possibly working out what made it easier for me at the yoga place, other than the fact that I sort of had to?

'Ought to', 'should' etc. don't work well for me anyway, they haven't for years, if ever.

This evening I finally put away my dry laundry which has been sitting about for a week and finally washed a bunch of dishes. What helped me along there was brief human contact. A friend spoke on my answering machine that she was going to drop by  briefly in 2 hours. An hour later my door bell rang. It was actually her husband with good news. I decided to stay up and not go back to bed, and also stay up and make an inroad on my messy kitchen.

This morning I was at T. I got 3 topics somewhat cleared up. 1) I had been wondering how on earth to get back on the normal job market when I might end up in a situation like at the yoga place where there's a narc hounding and triggering me. My T suggested it could be good to try for work and check whether there really is a narc. There may not be. I realise other people on here may meet narcs wherever they go, but my T says in his experience there aren't narcs as bad as Narc Woman absolutely everywhere and supervisors don't necessarily act as badly as those at the yoga place did. That's true. I've noticed that. When I have a problem at the farm, I can talk to someone about it and the problem will be resolved in some way without me having to say that I'm leaving and they can figure it out for themselves. Also having stood my ground at the yoga place e.g. "No! I'm not going to just put up with it for one more morning", well, that action will be partially healing in itself. I never could say that to FOO with any kind of feeling that it was a successful outcome for me, but now I've said it to other people with no regrets. I will be getting better at not getting triggered.  So, just try.

2) Why aren't I getting on with an email for either of the places of work I'm considering? My mind went blank when my T asked me what I could write, so he basically dictated to me. It's very short. The idea is not to write much in advance and especially not self-destructive things like "Oh actually I probably can't do the work you require anyway." Or "you probably need somebody for longer hours than I could ever do." No. Suggest I go to the second farm and discuss. Look at the work in more detail, what it would really entail. And know for myself how many hours I could do a day and not offer to do more. If the job doesn't fit my requirements, it doesn't fit. But then I'd know and can look into other ideas I have. But so long as I don't look into this, I'm blocking my head and heart/soul from considering other ideas. Fear of it maybe not working out is preventing me from trying.

3) In response to an email from B2, it would be good to write another Recovery Letter on here. Then I can still see afterwards if there's any point in carefully wording a real response to B2. As I said to my T, there probably isn't though. My FOO is just not receptive to that kind of thing. But at least on here i'd get some of the poison out.

I add to that that I may need to write another Recovery Letter to the yoga place or to Narc Woman, or possibly I just need to write more about the incident for myself and not bottle it up, thinking I'm over it. I haven't written much on here for a little while until yesterday that is, partially thinking it's time I moved forward with concrete steps (which sounds rather like 'ought to/should' ).