So when your tactics seem not to be working, maybe it's time to change tactics? It seems e.g. that deciding I ought to be able to do 2 hours a week cleaning, but not including washing dishes or laundry, was putting me off doing anything. So the constructive thing would be to find a more beneficial way of putting that for myself. Possibly a higher number of hours per week, but including washing dishes or laundry? Or possibly working out what made it easier for me at the yoga place, other than the fact that I sort of had to?
'Ought to', 'should' etc. don't work well for me anyway, they haven't for years, if ever.
This evening I finally put away my dry laundry which has been sitting about for a week and finally washed a bunch of dishes. What helped me along there was brief human contact. A friend spoke on my answering machine that she was going to drop by briefly in 2 hours. An hour later my door bell rang. It was actually her husband with good news. I decided to stay up and not go back to bed, and also stay up and make an inroad on my messy kitchen.
This morning I was at T. I got 3 topics somewhat cleared up. 1) I had been wondering how on earth to get back on the normal job market when I might end up in a situation like at the yoga place where there's a narc hounding and triggering me. My T suggested it could be good to try for work and check whether there really is a narc. There may not be. I realise other people on here may meet narcs wherever they go, but my T says in his experience there aren't narcs as bad as Narc Woman absolutely everywhere and supervisors don't necessarily act as badly as those at the yoga place did. That's true. I've noticed that. When I have a problem at the farm, I can talk to someone about it and the problem will be resolved in some way without me having to say that I'm leaving and they can figure it out for themselves. Also having stood my ground at the yoga place e.g. "No! I'm not going to
just put up with it for one more morning", well, that action will be partially healing in itself. I never could say that to FOO with any kind of feeling that it was a successful outcome for me, but now I've said it to other people with no regrets. I will be getting better at not getting triggered. So, just try.
2) Why aren't I getting on with an email for either of the places of work I'm considering? My mind went blank when my T asked me what I could write, so he basically dictated to me. It's very short. The idea is not to write much in advance and especially not self-destructive things like "Oh actually I probably can't do the work you require anyway." Or "you probably need somebody for longer hours than I could ever do." No. Suggest I go to the second farm and discuss. Look at the work in more detail, what it would really entail. And know for myself how many hours I could do a day and not offer to do more. If the job doesn't fit my requirements, it doesn't fit. But then I'd know and can look into other ideas I have. But so long as I don't look into this, I'm blocking my head and heart/soul from considering other ideas. Fear of it maybe not working out is preventing me from trying.
3) In response to an email from B2, it would be good to write another Recovery Letter on here. Then I can still see afterwards if there's any point in carefully wording a real response to B2. As I said to my T, there probably isn't though. My FOO is just not receptive to that kind of thing. But at least on here i'd get some of the poison out.
I add to that that I may need to write another Recovery Letter to the yoga place or to Narc Woman, or possibly I just need to write more about the incident for myself and not bottle it up, thinking I'm over it. I haven't written much on here for a little while until yesterday that is, partially thinking it's time I moved forward with concrete steps (which sounds rather like 'ought to/should'

).