[Blueberry]

"Allowing myself to get drawn into debates about things that are not up for debate" used to be one of my middle names.

I almost leapt into one of these debates today but managed to stop myself just in time.   

I suppose noticing that is a result of being mindful. I'm not being very mindful about a whole host of other things tho atm. This FOO stuff really gets to me. But I do know I'm moving forwards.

[Blueberry]

Came onto the forum now because it's more beneficial I think than a whole host of other things I've been doing to put off what I'm really meant to be doing. I need to get Little Furry living quarters cleaned and set up for the two who are coming today, in one hour in fact.

I feel wordless, speechless, action-less. It is getting easier to accept that I stood up to FOO again, this time enF. I'm even feeling a little pride that I did. A lot of things are slotting into place, becoming clear about FOO, and I'm managing to let more of my hopes go e.g. hope for contact with my little niece / goddaughter.

[Three Roses]

It is getting easier to accept that I stood up to FOO again, this time enF. I'm even feeling a little pride that I did.

Go, you! 

[Blueberry]

Thanks 3Roses.

Keeping going daily with mindful and constructive steps is quite difficult atm. I got some children's books out of the library to read and fell asleep reading them. That's quite beneficial. I had tried some more adult activities like having a look at a local exhibition that's moving on in 2 weeks. Even though it's on something which normally really interests me, I'd didn't have the intellectual stamina to read the titles of most of the exhibits, far less the rest of the text.

These phases do pass however, even though it still seems difficult to believe that in the middle of one, so it could be by the beginning of next week or even earlier that I'll be back on my feet in all respects and no longer feeling anxiety reading a 10 year old's book I don't know the ending of. 

[Blueberry]

It's only a day later and it feels as if several days have passed. I got on with some work this afternoon and evening. Tutored a new student, wrote and printed out a contract for her, and then for a current onewho's been waiting a couple of weeks. Which means I taught him this week without being paid in advance. I know I will get paid. It doesn't look super-professional but that's just how things are atm.

I made some more advertising to put in my window tomorrow and I'm feeling generally a bit less useless. So that means that the ability to see steps in my life as beneficial is coming back, so the bad phase is lifting a bit already.

[Blueberry]

I'm definitely doing better today. I managed to go outside and spend a lot of time there. I was in the garden doing some paper work - sorting, filing and so on. I took my guest Fur Babies too since it was so nice and warm and sunny today.

While sorting and filing I even had the feeling that maybe I can keep on doing my easier profession and actually earning a respectable amount of money off it. It feels good that the idea flitted through my mind. I'm not actually pursuing it because I'm keeping with the idea of not putting myself under pressure in the next months. It's as if while sorting papers I'm seeing my unique selling point in the business while getting rid of extraneous information and selling points which are not pursuable for me.

[sanmagic7]

nice observation for yourself, blueberry, even in the midst of your foo encounters.  i really think you're doing well with all this.  keep up the good work.   

love and hugs, always.

[Blueberry]

Back in a slump. Didn't get out of bed till way, way late today. Missed a doc appointment. I knew I had it, I just didn't get up and go. I even wrote my HIghly Recommended/Could list last night. Didn't seem to help me this morning.

I don't want to eat. I dreamt last night that I now weigh 110 kg. It's not true, I know that.

I'm doing a lot less SH than in past few days. That's good.

[sanmagic7]

hate these slumps, even tho i know they're part of this whole picture.  i think it's wonderful that you were able to recognize something pos. for yourself re: less sh.  well done, sweetie.

keep taking care of you as best you can.  if that means bed time, so be it.  i know i've been there, too.  it's not fun.  still, i don't believe it negates the progress you've made.  i do believe that's still valid, as are you.   love and hugs, dearie.

[Sceal]

  I know how it is, Blueberry. You're not alone in this rut.

[Blueberry]

Thanks Sceal and sanmagic. 

[Blueberry]

Things are a little better today. I noted I'm not in the kind of mindframe where I can file papers away in the right place, the right way. I did manage to do some other work today though and even felt quite good by the second hour.

There are lots of things I'm not doing atm, things that generally would be beneficial. I note I have trouble following through with plans, like that food and eating-related homework for T? Gave up after a couple of days. Well, when I give a student an exercise that is too difficult though they need to be able to do it e.g. because of upcoming exam, I break it down in smaller steps and/or give them a similar exercise at a lower level. I suppose I need to do the same for myself instead of feeling ashamed that I'm not getting it together. 

Maybe another Recovery Letter on the horizon too?

I am at least still taking the medicine I'm meant to be taking, daily. It doesn't seem much, especially when I compare myself with some others on here, but I've probably passed on that wisdom here already: comparing ourselves to others is not helpful, so that applies to me too.

[Blueberry]

I didn't sleep much last night so I read back in my paper journal instead. I noted that last fall during one of these therapy workshops I sometimes do I realised I was giving too much to one particular friend but I was putting the burden on myself. I thought the only way out was to get even more help for myself so that I wouldn't feel dependent on her and then I could set her a limit and wouldn't have to worry about her not being willing to support me.

I now know that all sounds very wonky but it's not surprising that that's how I reacted in my mind because that's what I grew up with, that's still how FOO reacts. When I finally put on the brakes versus this friend, she didn't act quite as unhealthily as FOO but still fairly unhealthily. Lots of justifying and not one single "I understand a bit where you're coming from Blueberry". Instead more like "Be glad I spared you some details".

I haven't written back to this friend yet. I read back in my journal also that I tend to remain in bed and not get on with things when memories are resurfacing. I don't think that's quite what's happening now but similar. Emotions are coming up, bubbling up and I don't want to push them down anymore. I want to express them and for that I need courage, strength and energy. I'm gearing up for that atm.

I also think that I could do with doing another one of these therapy workshops soon. I still tend to push the need away by thinking irrelevant things like most other mbrs on here manage without. My T has pointed out that's like not enjoying your meal because there are people starving in other countries. I'm putting myself under pressure again with these thoughts. Those "shoulds" again. You "should" be over this by now. But I'm not. Sometimes I find it hard to accept that I've been working on this stuff for so long - with lots of detours I admit - and although some things improve other things get worse the more aware of them I am. Anyway I just wanted to note that that's how I've been feeling recently. 

[Blueberry]

I've decided to sign up for the therapy workshop and fortunately there are still a couple of spots available.

Yesterday before I went to bed I did some EFT on my hypervigilance around children topic . Either doing that or signing up for therapy workshop or both combined have helped me a bit. I made it to the farm earlier this morning than last week and was able to almost finish my work before coming home again. Where I noticed the most difference was in tutoring. Instead of my brain going round in circles and my not having a clue how to build easier steps into the exercise to give the student a bit of a necessary leg-up, I was able to prepare quickly in advance and then feel on top of things during lesson. I know it's not a skills-based thing for me. No, sometimes I just can't prepare properly and can't teach properly.

Anyway I'm tired now and I'm going to heed the signs and go and do something relaxing.

[Blueberry]

I got some constructive and beneficial stuff done today like some garden work, including harvesting. Doing that meant I was outside in the fresh air and doing things with my hands, both good things for me. I also took my fur babies with me and they had a good time too.

I'm pretty tired now so logging out.