Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Glad you're able to concentrate for longer - and glad you were able to start that translation contract.   

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope, and thank you notalone for your validation. Yes, me too, I need time for 'digesting' what's going on with cptsd and then time for doing what feels like nothing.

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My translation contract has been expanding and is due in 4 hours, yikes. I'm pretty tired, but I was working on it far into the night. The night is often a good time for me to work. I feel safe and the building is totally quiet which it isn't always in the daytime or even in the evening. Fortunately the road works aren't going on outside the building the way they were on Friday.

[Not Alone]

Yes, me too, I need time for 'digesting' what's going on with cptsd and then time for doing what feels like nothing.

That is a good point. It feels like doing nothing, but really we are "working" internally.

Hope you got your translation done on time.

[Blueberry]

Fortunately, the client agreed to collect it tomorrow instead   Having suggested to somebody else on here that she take the day off work today, I figured I'd do something similar for myself. Reduce stress! My client wasn't totally surprised because she had been mailing me additional documents over the weekend.

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Today and yesterday due to somebody else's posts on here, I suddenly have this rather strange realisation: What we all live through during EFs, trauma memories resurfacing etc - it's real and visceral! And it's now! It's not something in the past. Strangely enough, this realisation is making me feel strong and empowered rn.

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Made some more progress today: That old garden topic. It's quite possible that one of my neighbours along with her mother and other relatives who come by to tend her garden think I'm some form of PD The relatives don't even live in this town but come by fairly often and work in the garden on their own. They undoubtedly dread seeing me, the controlling neighbour, turning up  Today I was worried about how much tree they were going to cut down - it's not their tree and it's not in their part of the garden. It's not mine either, it's been there for ever. If I knew they were just going to lop a branch off, that would be one thing. But I can't trust them to be like that. So I went to ask. They said "just one branch". I thanked them and left. But during the course of the day, I noticed how big the branch was that they sawed off and that they'd cut other bushes back, like a hazlenut bush which doesn't even affect their part of the garden. My progress is: I'm much calmer internally, I don't feel threatened or annoyed/upset and I'm basically able to let it go.

[Blueberry]

Teh client just dropped by to collect her finished documents - a whole stack of them. I am so relieved that she took the fact that I'm still working on the final 3 in her stride!

She's gone off to process the initial stack the way she needs to do so and will return. I would've understand if she'd been  but she's not. 

[Blueberry]

I'm working on the final 2 this evening. The client accepted that as well! She said that she has realised over the past couple of days how much work is really involved. In a new, additional sense I noticed it too. Part of the work looks pretty basic - printing documents, stapling together, adding my professional stamp.

Something the client said made me realise that it's not easy. I'm juggling about 12 different documents: each of which has my version, an original version and sometimes a photocopy of the original version. It's high-concentration and somewhat stressful making sure I keep them all separate. Got to make sure I don't staple the original to my version if it's an original for life like most Vital Stats documents where you could never get another one. There are 'originals' that can be re-issued and there are ones where this is next to impossible. High stress for me.) Obviously not the stress a brain surgeon goes through, but good for me to notice: it is stressful and it's important for my clients that I get it right!

Beneficial for me to notice because the fact that I noticed showed me I was being mindful at the time inspite of everything.

I'm noticing quite a bit of progress in my work while I do this job. That's heartening. It shows me something's moving forwards again, some part of the traumatised brain is sorting itself out again. This isn't something I can work on directly. It just comes when the healing moves forward, which happens when something is ready internally.

NTS: Weeks when I'm feeling very down, triggered, EF-y or what-have-you often precede a phase where I move forwards in some form or other.

Another good thing: I spent about an hour moving to music just before posting here. I feel calmer again, better able to concentrate on the remaining 2 documents. I haven't moved around to music like that for quite a number of weeks. Not all tools work all the time, I felt the urge to use this particular tool when it was particularly helpful. Another NTS. So no haranguing myslef about 'if only I'd moved around to music last week, I would have been through the EF faster." No, doesn't always work that way at all.

[Blueberry]

I finally got that whole contract done and handed over, re-discussed my price and the client was quite willing to go up a fair bit! She's already said how pleased she is with my work  What a relief! And enough money to cover my main monthly overheads: rent and utilities and then some minor stuff as well.

[Jdog]

Congrats on finishing the job and receiving much deserved extra revenue!!

[Not Alone]

 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Jdog and notalone

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I've had a very full day today. Full in a good way. I woke up at 5 AM and got up and started my day. I'm hardly ever up at that time unless I have to be for some reason. My mood felt good today and I got lots done. But I also made sure I took little breaks here and there to just sit and breathe.

My T appointment was very good yesterday which is helping my mood atm.

I did a fair bit of garden work today. I removed a bunch of moss and sowed grass seeds for shady areas since the ordinary grass seeds from a few years back mostly didn't produce much.

I took my little furry visitors down into the garden with me - it's now warm enough for them underfoot.

I even phoned the medical insurance company!! I tend to put it off because that exhausts me so much. But actually the conversation went well and I even got some unexpected, good information!

I also took both meds, something I've been slacking on in the last little while, made myself nutritious, colourful and tasty food, did some cleaning and tidying, also some work in my office. Showered and washed hair, something I'd also been slacking on a bit.

Easter is upon us. I was in church this evening for the first time in about 3 weeks and noticed as usual that it does do me good. I tend to spend a great part of Easter at church, from Thursday evening till Sunday morning, though obviously not non-stop. We did go to church sometimes when I was growing up but it's something I've discovered more and in a different way as an adult.  to self.

[Jdog]

It sounds like you are doing tons of self care - physical, emotional, spiritual.  I'm so glad to hear that you are hopeful moving forward. 

Happy Easter weekend.

[Three Roses]

  nice!

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
You've been busy this weekend.     I hope your little furry visitors are enjoying staying with you.  Glad to hear your T appointment was a good one, and I hope you have a nice Easter weekend.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

It sounds like you are doing tons of self care - physical, emotional, spiritual. 

Not till you put this in words for me, did I really realise that that is what I had been doing! And am continuing to do so. Thanks so much

Happy Easter to you too.

Hope, I'm continuing to be busy. It's amazing! I can't think when I last managed to accomplish so much in one day. It's continuing. So it wasn't just one day either. Today is the third day of tons of stuff, but being mindful while I'm about it. Even before that I was fairly busy getting that contract done. Then instead of collapsing afterwards and needing a couple of weeks' break or at least downtime,  I just needed a day of not so much, the day I went to therapy. I hope you have a good Easter weekend too Hope!

I think my furry visitors enjoyed their time, they got collected today. I took them down into the garden with me for a couple of hours before they were collected.

I'm reminding myself to remain mindful. Do what feels good to me, do what feels as if it's time has come, rather than what other people think is appropriate. I haven't been to choir practice since Christmas mostly due to exhaustion and lack of transportation (having my bike stolen did lead me to reduce doing things / going places. To get to the church where I sing in the choir I have to cycle quite a stretch uphill and my borrowed bike with 2 functioning gears had to be pushed .) So not having been at practice, I'm obviously not singing the Easter service with them but going to my local church to the Sunday service. A few people from choir have been suggesting I go - not because "we'd love to see you again there" but because it's interesting music. Sorry guys, there's lots of interesting music around and I don't like rushing around stressing myself. Not good for me at all!

[Blueberry]

Went to church in the morning, the social occasion in the afternoon and on the spur of the moment, went from that to the church where I sing in the choir. I'm glad I went. The choir members were glad to see me too.

There was singing during the social occasion too, though nothing Eastery or churchy. I didn'T know any of the songs. I joined in anyway and noted that I was certainly singing some of it correctly. That's a real improvement for me. Also me having the courage to just sing, regardless of whatever anybody else might think. 

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When I saw the one neighbour in the garden when I got home, I decided to go and speak to her. Yes, it's Easter and maybe you should leave people in peace, but otoh she wouldn't care about that if she happened to decide to build a raised vegetable bed in the communal space tomorrow, which is also a public holiday. So I wanted to get this message heard before it's too late.

She accused me of hounding her. I'm not good enough at managing discussions yet to say "I hear you." especially not on the spur of the moment. She also said something like she feels commandeered around by me. To which I replied that her mother commandeers me around so ... we're equal on that point. Her response was that her mother has a lot of experience, gardening experience that is. But I wasn't talking about the garden! I was talking about issues like shutting the front door at night, in the dark. When the mother drives off, to park the car 10 minutes away on foot, she leaves the door open. Not that I knew that, I came home and found it open, so I closed it. Then got told off by the mother "Don't you do that!" I was too astounded to say "Why don't you take a key with you??" Anybody could wander in!

Still I'd better watch it if she's accusing me of hounding her because she might complain to the landlord and then there'll be a: "she said this", "No I didn't" , "Yes you did"

She also said she gets on well with everybody in the building just not with me and that everybody complains about me. She listed these people. That's pretty similar to FOO tactics so my parting shot to her was that other people in the building - past and present - complain(ed) about her too. This may not be nice, it may not be tactful, but unfortunately for her it's true.

Some of the "hounding" I've done in general in the building, is trying to get other people to deal with communal jobs: like putting the communal bins out. There are phases when people bother and phases when nobody does, except me. Sometimes in those phases I don't do so on purpose to force somebody to do so eventually, or at least to allow them to notice, maybe. Atm there's a second person bothering himself in a reliable way.

Anyway so apparently in the building everybody talks about everybody else behind their backs. I'm not actually that surprised, I knew already actually. I know that not everybody is so overjoyed about everything I do / say / decide. I'm rather more flabbergasted that this neighbour has no idea what other people think about her and thinks it's just me who's causing problems. So it's much like FOO: don't bring up things directly, complain to somebody else instead. Triangulating is the word I think. No wonder I get pretty triggered.

I think I'm going to have to write another Recovery Letter to my old neighbours on this topic to blow off a bit of steam.