Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

[Blueberry]

So I checked OOTF 100 Traits of PDs. Not surprisingly I discovered that my neighbour and I both have unhealthy ways of communicating with each other (and others in building probably). I know I can only change mine, not hers. Though I also know that in changing the way i react, I might be able to defuse the situation better than I'm doing atm.

Blaming is going on, on both sides. Both of us feel accused and misunderstood by the other. I note from OOTF: "if the Non reacts defensively or destructively to the blaming, they may inadvertently turn a blaming episode into a full-blown verbal conflict. This can make blaming a self-fulfilling prophecy, and lead to chronic conflict in relationships." It could have turned into a full-blown verbal conflict. I think both of us prevented that happening. It's already a chronic conflict. I can't say if my neighbour has a PD, she may just have a trailer-load of fleas, like me. My impression that she is very dependent on her M and also controlled by her. So on account of that, she might see red every time I open my mouth. But it's equally likely that I'm projecting something too.

I also note "Don't respond by arguing about facts. Blaming is about feelings, not the facts." So I've certainly been going wrong there. No surprise. Went back to old FOO habit of trying to prove a point, back up my 'truth' with facts.

"End the conversation by taking a time-out even if the other person doesn't want to." I probably should have asked her if we could talk about it at a more suitable time for her. She is likely to have responded with "I have no time (ever)" which is why I didn't take that road. But maybe it would be a better approach to try anyway?

What else? Passive-Aggressive Behaviour: "It is common for someone who feels they are in a position of relative disempowerment to express their anger at the more powerful person through Passive-Aggressive behavior. They may feel inferior, or afraid of the person they are angry with, who may also be an authority figure such as a parent, older sibling, employer or teacher. Or, the person may be a peer such as a spouse, partner, sibling or friend who dominates or assumes the lead position in the relationship." That strikes me because I've assumed a lead position in the building. I'm the one who contacts the landlord when there's a problem like water dripping from the basement ceiling that can't be attributed to anybody specific. I'm also the one some others turn to when they have a real or imagined problem. Even the M of this neighbour wanted advice from me and wanted to discuss what the options were if our previous landlords sold the building. I refused to engage. She tried a few more times anyway. Doesn't add up. Her daughter feels 'hounded' and she comes and insists on hearing my views on what to do if building sold.

But I note that according to that quote, my neighbour could feel intimidated by me. I also note " it is common for them (PDs) to look for a person who is willing to share the burden, help clean up the mess and help them feel better about themselves." I think the M was looking for someone willing to share the imagined burden of finding a new place for her daughter to live, probably where the M could come and visit often and expand the garden. I wasn't willing to engage or otherwise get involved in the catastrophising likely to go on in that scenario.

My refugee neighbours were also looking for a person willing to share the burden and help clean up some of their messes.

"On their part, Nons are often confused about the erratic state of mind of the Personality Disordered individuals in their lives. They may respond to poor treatment with feelings of anger and hurt while at the same time they may become afraid of future outbursts. The Non may be fatigued from taking the "high ground" over contentious issues while also managing their feelings of anger towards a Personality Disordered person who appears to be taking the "low road" or taking advantage of them. Nons may themselves develop a pattern of Passive-Aggressive behavior as a way of registering their disapproval while not provoking further conflict." I think this could be going on on both sides. I'm not actually afraid of outbursts, I'm afraid of her moving in and taking over and I'm afraid of her inability to notice or recognise very basic boundaries.

"Don't respond with a passive-aggressive approach of your own. " I think I'm prone to this in certain situations, but it's not recommended.

Ranking and Comparing: This is going on on both sides! Examples from OOTS: "All your friends think you're wrong"
"Your brother doesn't seem to have a big problem with this" To me that sounds very like "everybody in the building has a problem with you" followed by my retort that other people in the building have a problem with her too. Needless to say that was a huge tactic in FOO.

Mocking: I think only she does that, and only once that I can recall.  It was about my insistence that she didn't dump what-have-you on my office chairs. She unhelpfully pointed out scornfully that a mouldy fridge was sitting beside them. Yes, and that's not acceptable either! Your point?

So that makes another pile of stuff for me to digest. I had better go off and do a few rounds of EFT this evening.

[Not Alone]

I know I can only change mine, not hers. Though I also know that in changing the way i react, I might be able to defuse the situation better than I'm doing atm.

Cheering for you as you look at how you will choose to react. Seems like living in your building is like living in a very dysfunctional family. Glad you are able to process here.

[Jdog]

Blueberry-

Remembering all of your recent self care, I wish for you continued chances to reboot and rebuild from these recent shocks to your system.  I echo notalone's comment regarding how life in your building is a lot like life with a dysfunctional family.  It's really tough being with others who have low levels of self awareness and low or no commitment to their own growth.  You correctly identified that you can only work on you, not others.  I get chances to learn this every day, both in my home life and elsewhere.

Glad you had so much music in your weekend!

[Hope67]

Also me having the courage to just sing, regardless of whatever anybody else might think. 

_

   

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Jdog and notalone, thank you so much for your constructive, gentle replies to my rant! I came onto the forum ready to write "My bad! I'm in Outer Critic mode." I was reading "From Surviving to Thriving" this morning before church and realised that in my dealings with the neighbour and garden and probably with other neighbours re: garden, I'm in Outer Critic mode.

Pete Walker even has a similar example:  he turns (or probably turned in the past  ) his OC on his wife for not doing enough tasks in phases when he was overdoing. So I do too much, take on too much responsibility in building, am not good enough with my boundaries (e.g. saying "No! I am not doing that for you") and then feel resentful towards others in the building who aren't doing their fair share, in my eyes. They undoubtedly have a different idea of the extent of fair share Sitting in church this morning, a good place for my misdeeds of the past little while to float up to the surface, I realised it would be a good idea to do a spot of inventory work from the 12 Steps on this garden/building/neighbour ordeal.

It was easier to think that in church than it will be to carry it out but nonetheless the impulse was there. The other impulse: think "peace be with you" towards my neighbour, and maybe even thank her for things she has done at my request? I objected to daily, and I mean daily, parcel deliveries to her for which I almost always got buzzed downstairs or even out of my office to sign for them, either because she was at work, or in the garden or not answering her doorbell. So I objected eventually. She still gets frequent parcel deliveries but she's arranged for them to be delivered without somebody signing for them. She may feel she does all this stuff at my request but it's never enough, or something.

otoh I do sometimes thank other people for doing things, e.g. my new refugee neighbour, not the family who moved out, for putting communal garbages out and for changing the ceiling light bulb outside my office door. Though it has just occurred to me that he possibly didn't even think of it as being my job OR it's possible he decided somebody had better do something since in the other part of the main floor nobody has changed the lightbulb for at least a year, meaning things were pretty dark. So this is like: if you leave things long enough, somebody may eventually do them. 

You're right too Jdog, self-care is a bit trickier today. I didn't bound out of bed when I woke up, I seriously considered just staying there and not going to church, though the church service today was much later in the morning than is normal. I feel more tired, dopier, lacking in concentration.

Getting up and going to church after all was self-care. Singing in church was self-care. Thinking about my side of things was kind of self-care. Taking my before breakfast meds was self-care. Deciding against something I had been planning to do this afternoon was self-care, because I could feel it was going to stress me (also it was being mindful).

Thanks for cheering on my singing, Hope 

[Blueberry]

I have realised that my previous refugee neighbour, the one I wrote a Recovery Letter to yesterday, was grooming / manipulating and I didn't really notice. He said once mournfully that I was the only person who helped him and his wife. Instead of realising the extent my alarm bells should have been ringing, I attempted to show him that that's not true. His previous landlady and her family had helped him alot, association A helped, group B helped as well.... He argued that no they hadn't really helped. I don't think that by that time I was suckered into helping more. I was better with boundaries with them by then, but I didn't head for the hills either. 

So I'm feeling a bit duped again. This is something for me to be aware of. I'm obviously too helpful and people take advantage of that. Pete Walker responded to me on one of his blogs here on OOTS that when somebody says "you're the only one who understands me, can help me" etc, it's good to point out to the person that it's high time they found some other people!

Just in the past couple of days I realised how much better I feel not having a Queen of Pain friend phoning regularly for support and "just to hear (my) voice" and that sort of stuff. The support I got from her in return - and there was support - was in no way enough to compensate for the amount of energy I was expending for her. I was duped by her too.

I told my garden dispute neighbour today that I appreciated her clearing stuff up but she ignored me. I don't feel hurt or anything, just thinking that maybe I knew on some level she wouldn't appreciate the remark and that's why I've never said it before.

I'm still on a roll I got all sorts of stuff done this afternoon and evening.

[Jdog]

 

[Blueberry]

I got out my old 12 Step books, including a workbook where there's space to write Step 4 or 10. I have some stuff written in both already. But I realised that I just can't work with the 12 Step program any more. It's triggering somehow. It seems that on here, as also in my T's office or my doc's office or some of the places where I can do a long weekend of group therapy, something about the space and atmosphere makes it safe for me to explore my feelings, whereas 12 Step space - whether literature, inventory or group - is no longer safe for me.

It may be because in/on my present safe spaces, there are people who are encouraging in general, cheer me on for what looks like small steps and who help me to see where I am being unnecessarily hard on myself. That's not something that ever took place in 12 Step groups, partly because you're not meant to comment on what other people say and partly because when they did anyway it was at symptoms like mine, so they'd make a point of saying things like "I'm very exhausted too, but I did do a whole day's work at the office" (understood: unlike Blueberry). 

I'm still on a roll, getting all sorts of bits and pieces done.    One super good thing: finally have an appointment with new landlord next week. I've never met him, his company bought out our building without really looking at it, but I have a list of things that need to be dealt with and he wasn't responding to my emails. I spoke to his secretary today. I had to be feelign fairly energetic and courageous to get on with that. 

[Not Alone]

whereas 12 Step space - whether literature, inventory or group - is no longer safe for me.

for realizing that 12 step is not helpful for you right now.

I'm still on a roll, getting all sorts of bits and pieces done.    One super good thing: finally have an appointment with new landlord next week. I've never met him, his company bought out our building without really looking at it, but I have a list of things that need to be dealt with and he wasn't responding to my emails. I spoke to his secretary today. I had to be feelign fairly energetic and courageous to get on with that. 

[Hope67]

I'm still on a roll, getting all sorts of bits and pieces done.    One super good thing: finally have an appointment with new landlord next week. I've never met him, his company bought out our building without really looking at it, but I have a list of things that need to be dealt with and he wasn't responding to my emails. I spoke to his secretary today. I had to be feelign fairly energetic and courageous to get on with that.

  I hope the appointment with your new landlord goes well next week.  You sound well prepared with your list. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

I hope it goes well too. Thanks for the good wishes, Hope.

I'm really tired physically after a very long bike ride on Sunday with members of my bike club. I enjoyed it but I'm noticing the after-effects rather. I'm interested to note that I'm feeling tired mentally as well as physically. Fortunately I do not have to do any translation this week. I'm feeling a bit EF-y as well and I am no longer on a roll.

[Three Roses]

 

[Blueberry]

Thanks 3R  in return

I'm actually doing better. After actually preparing and eating a fairly healthy meal and then playing that card game Patience about 3 times in a row, I figured out what the next easiest beneficial activity was and did it. There was a small hurdle involved but I figured I could manage it and did so. So basically I ran some errands and delivered a few things here and there. In doing so, I removed some papers that were lying around my apartment got some fresh air and sunshine, went for a walk, chatted to a few people I met on the way.

The fresh air did me good. I was able to teach better afterwards than I might have beforehand or than I would have if I had simply gone back to bed which I was in grave danger of doing. Since teaching, I've got a few office jobs done, the kind that I put off.

Tonight I'm going to a disco for older folks, 35 yo + and joining some friends for a small hike in the woods tomorrow. Yes, I'm feeling my muscles a bit, but I'm reminding myself that the bike ride on Sunday was actually fun and so it's good to keep going with fun activities with other people, just maybe ease up a bit, don't push myself so much.

I was feeling EF-y with shame about my bad physical fitness. That shame comes straight out of childhood. It has almost always been there and has little to do with my actual fitness level. In fact it used to be far more virulent even though my level of fitness used to be better.

[Blueberry]

On Wednesday I suddenly blanked out on my password, not for here but for something way more essential. I couldn't get on here either though. It feels far longer than just 2 1/4 days. Partly because I felt a bit EF-y and so I wanted to come on here and write and/or read and I couldn't.

The 35 yo + disco turned out not to really be my thing, but I stayed anyway Most of the music was from before my time so I didn't have an emotional connection to it. There were a lot of couples on the dance floor and although they were mostly not doing couple-dancing, I still felt the spare-wheel effect and that felt triggering. Probably triggered back to a time where I felt self-conscious and unhappy, left out and somehow ridiculous. Those may be typical teenage feelings at some time or other, but FOO managed to exacerbate all that for me, rather than help me through it.

Also two of my ex-neighbours were on the dance floor and that reminded me that I always seem to get involved in disputes with my neighbours. Although I didn't actually get in a dispute with one of them when she was still living in the building, or after in fact. But she's obviously remained friends with the other with whom I had a few major disputes. There was a little group around the one I got in disputes with, some of them giving me pointed looks. I stayed around anyway. It would have felt like fleeing if I'd left, as if I'd lost. With the neighbour I got into disputes with, it was a territorial kind of thing, where I feel that you win or lose. One time she told me if would be "best" if I didn't use my kitchen in the evening, so I didn't, for months. In retrospect "best" for who? But at that time, people could obviously intimidate me pretty easily.

Another friend of mine has got friendly with the neighbour I got into disputes with, through work. So I was wishing I could be the type of person who doesn't get into disputes, or when they do, can smooth them over - no bad feelings, no hurt feelings, no anger - go back to normal relations. But I can't. That would involve forgiving. I don't forgive very easily. I don't forgive if I don't feel heard because my experience with FOO is that I just end up getting hurt again. I realise that being a resentful type of person isn't a good characteristic, but that's where I'm at still, often. Not always.

I am getting a bit better at forgiving myself.

I knew other people there in a so-so kind of way. In fact two women invited me to sit at their table, but I still felt alone. I felt best at the very, very end when I was helping clear up. 

The good thing about blanking out on my password was: I ended up looking for it, which meant going through loads of papers and throwing out or filing. There are still tons to go through and file. There are also papers I know I could throw out but for some strange reason I have an emotional attachment to, so I'm not throwing them out. There's no rational reason for the emotional ( or other?) attachment, but it's there.

The meeting with my new landlord went well. Instead of groaning and moaning, he said he'd get a plumber onto my 2 plumbing problems right away especially since one of them is wasting water like crazy. He didn't raise an eyebrow at my messy apartment. I had been putting off tidying or cleaning all week though I knew I "should". How could I forget? "Should is never good." I even tried to convince myself that I wanted to, that I'd feel better if I did. But it wasn't till after his visit that I was able to. One difficult thing at a time. One step at a time.

[Jdog]

Blueberry, I understand how satisfying and tiring long bike rides can be.  I just recently acquired a bike after not having one for a long time.  Riding takes more concentration than I had remembered, as well as being quite a lot of physical exercise. 

I'm sitting with you as you endure and navigate your way through the EF.  I was in that thick and viney jungle myself this week.  May you find the patch of sunlight that always awaits at the other end of the dense mottle of emotions.