[Blueberry]

I went to church this morning which is generally beneficial all by itself if I want to go. It was this time. During the bit where you're meant to be searching your conscience for sinful behaviour and thoughts, I couldn't feel into any of that. I was blocked in that regard. I know this happens when my plate is full up so to speak. When I don't have the wherewithall to deal with anything like that. So it's good I heeded it today. What I did instead was pray for the strength to keep going in a beneficial way.

I've already noticed how that prayer is working out. There were 2 occasions this morning when I wanted to give up, not do the thing that would be helpful and beneficial, go back to bed even. Then I remembered praying for the strength to keep going and reminding myself the strength would be there. It was. 

I am very tired, I noticed that in church and when I got home so I need to use mindfulness today too, so that I don't use strength that's not there and collapse tomorrow.

I'm not going to the farm tomorrow even though the original reason why not is gone. I feel generally tired atm and a bit inclined to "everything is too much" so this is a beneficial and mindful decision for me. 

[Blueberry]

I got out some documents I needed to and have emailed them to the appropriate party. I'd already had a reminder about them. The whole process involved quite a few steps so    to me on going through with it.

I also sent a mbr of FOO an email using Medium Chill and Grey Rock. It wasn't even a particularly controversial topic or anything. But still I notice how my body freezes up especially in my gut and goes numb in other parts and I'm yawning. I also logged out of my email account right away. This is not easy, putting it mildly.

On the plus side, I did a whole bunch of herb harvesting today  and picking stuff for my fur babies too. Also some garden clear up. And I've just done some filing of papers while waiting for a download. I also played quite a few rounds of Patience earlier until I felt the impulse to go down into the garden and start my work down there. I didn't force myself to go with "you should..." 

[Blueberry]

I'm pretty tired, I can feel a wave of exhaustion coming. Tomorrow I have therapy which usually does me in for about a week so trying to get some things done today so that they're done and over with. I think I'll cancel at the farm this week, just don't have the wherewithall. That's being mindful of what I need.

Have had some email contact with a FOO mbr and although the response was neutral to marginally positive, it still feels strenuous.

[Blueberry]

Therapy was good today. My T helped me analyse and understand my observations on eating, food-shopping, cooking etc. He helped me see in what ways I can move forward with observing. Some of the ideas I came up with myself, or just remarked that the observing is simply mindfulness. My new homework is to feel in those situations where I was blocking feeling. So when shopping in a shop, pause before I even go in, breathe, try and feel a little bit. Just a little bit. Dip my toe in the water rather than leaping straight in. Or if that doesn't work, try and imagine what I might be feeling.

I had forgotten in advance that he hadn't wanted a day-by-day account, he just wanted to hear some observations so we could work together on them and find some common threads. He didn't intimate in any way that I'd done too much or too little. But I needn't have worried as I think I did over on the Eating Issues thread about not observing on enough days and otherwise haranguing myself.

I talked about the most recent FOO stuff. I noted it was hard for me to say that I thought enF's latest stuff was not OK! There's still a feeling of 'maybe I'm being too harsh' / 'maybe it's understandable that enF is "worried" '. Also a worry that T will probably side with enF since they're both older men. I didN't even mention that worry to T, I probably should next time. Oops. "Should is never good for me." Correction: it could be beneficial for myself to mention that next time.

Seems a difficult topic, body parts have gone numb again. So I'll go off and listen to some music and move about. Maybe I'll even go to choir practice.

[Blueberry]

I did go to choir practice and that was definitely beneficial in quite a number of ways. Since then e.g. I've had snippets of the songs running through my head which uplifts my mood all by itself. Also when I'm by myself, I find I'm moving my body in small ways to the music in my head. I've noticed before that just slight movements can help me not to freeze. Generally though I think I'm expressing joy and fun viscerally.

NTS: When I achieve a lot one day, I often need the next day as down time. Today is that down time Last night I wrote my Recommended / Could list for today and it had about as many items on it as I achieved yesterday, maybe even more. NTS: That's a recipe for staying in bed and just not getting up. So good to remember the day before when I write my list to include items like Rest, Take breaks. When I put those on my list to tick off then I'm more likely to do them from time to time throughout the day and I'm less likely to harangue myself with "You're wasting time", "You should be doing this, that or the other" and things like that.

I started writing something on one of Sceal's threads. Then I realised that it could be too much for Sceal to read and also I'm writing it as much for myself as for her:

 "We're just fine as we are. It's a gift to the world that you and I exist and we don't have to make up for our existence in any way." (making up by over-achieving, perfectionism etc)

I don't quite believe it yet really deep down but working on it, it's good to remind myself.

[Deep Blue]

Blueberry,
Wow! Reading your post made me realize that I’m similar! I need a little downtime the day after I’ve made a lot of progress.  I never would have had that thought on my own or even realized how I could help myself after a big day.  Thankyou.  Isn’t it nice that just by reading about others... something can jump out about ourselves?
Much love 

[Sceal]

I started writing something on one of Sceal's threads. Then I realised that it could be too much for Sceal to read and also I'm writing it as much for myself as for her:

 "We're just fine as we are. It's a gift to the world that you and I exist and we don't have to make up for our existence in any way." (making up by over-achieving, perfectionism etc)

I don't quite believe it yet really deep down but working on it, it's good to remind myself.

That is beautiful, Blueberry. Like you, I don't quite believe it. But it is beautiful regardless. It reminds me that there were some scientists at Harvard that were trying to figure out the probability of someone being born, out of all the cells and probability that our parents would met at that time, and so on. I think it's possible to google it. But the chance of you being born and I being born is so small which makes us all a miracle.

And writing down "Rest" "enjoy x" and "meals" are definitively things I put on my to do list, they need to be done. I'm glad you're doing it too.

[Blueberry]

Words are hard for me rn too Sceal so just  at your reaction to my post. 

[Sceal]

 

[Blueberry]

Blueberry,
Wow! Reading your post made me realize that I’m similar! I need a little downtime the day after I’ve made a lot of progress.  I never would have had that thought on my own or even realized how I could help myself after a big day.  Thankyou.  Isn’t it nice that just by reading about others... something can jump out about ourselves?
Much love 

Thank you for commenting Deep Blue. I'm such a prolific poster it's good to know when my posts help others on here too.

And yes, for me it's one of the beneficial aspects on here that I read others' posts and learn about myself, see new things on my healing journey.

_______________________________

I came back on the forum again because of mulling something in my mind. I'm getting better at making decisions in my head or mulling them in my paper journal but I guess some decisions not yet.

I had intended to go with a group of friends/acquaintances to play mini-golf today. Being mindful in the last half hour tells me there are other things that I wouldn't necessarily prefer to do but that I think I need to do, like showering and washing my hair. It's not so much that I think I 'should' shower and wash hair but that I really need to and it will help me begin my week better, feeling less as if I'm behind hand already and it's only Sunday evening / Mon. early morning.

It feels more like I 'should' go to the mini-golf game. It's a really nice idea but it's the wrong day for me, maybe? Many days are wrong for me, it's true, but that's just the way it is. Anyway it's not as if the group asked in advance "Who can come which day?" and I swung the choice with today. In that case I would feel more of an obligation to go. Now I feel more I 'should' go to support somebody else having had the gumption to suggest and arrange something that doesn't just involve sitting about yakking, possibly slagging me off, and eating. Also the woman who had the gumption is not one of the ones who slags me off. She also won't take it badly and/or get huffy if I don't show up. I genuinely like doing that kind of activity - playing a game, getting mild exercise - but there's too much of a list of other things to do today including more EFT.

I suddenly realised half an hour ago why EFT is so useful for my healing. I'm negating years and years of criticism, scorn and ridicule from FOO (and sometimes others) on more or less all aspects of my being. I'm saying that I accept myself despite any failings, perceived failings, failings as far as FOO is concerned etc. So it's good to get on with EFT when there's one to do. 1) "I accept myself even though I changed my mind." 2) "I accept myself even though I decided against doing a fun activity with other people." (A memory turns up showing why that's difficult.)  3) "I accept myself although I don't drive and don't want to." If I get through all that today, I'll need a pile of self-care too so as to not collapse with exhaustion.

Also I feel as if I have a backlog of emails and postcards to write and send and a backlog of topics to clear with friends and FOO. It feels like too much waiting to be done. Maybe I can get at least one of these done today? Earlier I started on an email reply to one friend. That feels less pressing now at least, even though not finished. Edited: No, no, if I do those 3 EFT topics, that'll be enough for today in processing anything.

[Blueberry]

Feel exhausted already at just having written that. Though it's difficult for me, good self-care would involve having my shower and washing my hair. It'll probably make me feel more awake since I'll be using various senses including smell (the scent of my shower gel )

[Blueberry]

I was thinking I "should" respond to one last post on here before signing off but then noticed I don't have the emotional energy or words for it. So I didn't. It's not my job as Mod to do so. I may, but I don't have to. I certainly shouldn't when my own energy is about to disappear.

There are a number of things I ought to be doing IRL so I'm ready to work in an hour e.g.

[Deep Blue]

That’s excellent self care Blueberry.  Proud of you for fighting the “shoulds”
 

[Three Roses]

 

[Blueberry]

I seemed to have needed a bunch of down time today too. I didn't write any list last night, far less a too full one. There are quite a lot of 'shoulds' in my head though.

Yesterday most of what I did was at the farm. I did some of my own paid work back at home in the evening. I feel depressed an depressive atm. One reason is the weather. It has gone very autumnal, without the rain though. Just cold and windy. Can hardly complain after all the sun and heat in the summer. My M despised heat and sun, preferred the cold. i grew up not knowing what to do in hottish weather. I live in a region that gets hotter than anywhere I grew up but not that hot either. I've grown to like it and not so much the cooler seasons. Sure, a nice sunny, snowy winter day - it's pretty and the air can be really clear and nice but I don't hanker after it so much.

Richard Adams, the author of "Watership Down" wrote somewhere that when people say they enjoy winter, they enjoy being able to keep warm and snug in winter. Without that ability, it's a difficult and threatening time of year, as it is for wild animals too. I'm not threatened by cold weather but at this time of year when it gets a little cold and I haven't put my central heating back on because it doesn't work well or efficiently at marginal times of year, I notice the cold tends to make me depressed. I just want to go back to bed where it's warm. rn it is warm in the room though. I have a radiator on but I still want to hide and not leave the house. I'm not sure what that's about. Maybe because I no longer have Fur Babies staying to look after?

Yesterday at the farm they gave me quite a bit of money. That makes me feel weird. I get payment in kind - food mostly. What I get is generous and it really is enough to cover the work I do, especially on the terms I usually do it. I hadn't been intending to go this week on Wednesday or Friday but one of them said they really could do with me actually, which surprised me. I thought the work load was tailing off a bit season-wise and there is one less market this week too. I will go but it still doesn't mean they needed to give me a pocketful of money. I finished up my time on Monday reading stories to two of the children which was well-received on all sides and hardly arduous.