Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

[Tee]

  enjoy your space!

[Not Alone]

Not my job. Not my job. Not my job.

[Three Roses]

I have done this type of work bit by bit over and over again and it is somebody else's turn!

👍💪 I hear a Warrior awakening in you, and I love it!!

[sanmagic7]

 

just a big WOW!!!  you go, girl!  i feel smiles popping out all over!  love and a hug filled w/ clean compost!   

[sunflower38]

I'm so happy for you and your gardening space!! 

[Blueberry]

When reading your post a while ago, san, I felt smiles popping out everywhere but now I'm feeling tired and low.

I spent a few days thinking off and on about what to do with flying monkey from enF. I'd just sort of got over it and was thinking of responding sometime with "when you go over my stated boundaries, I withdraw further" but not immediately because I don't anymore with FOO. I do it when I can and don't leap up and act on the spot anymore. But enF sent 

Now I'm hovering between annoyed / angered and the age-old FOO stance of "poor elderly father who tries soooo hard with Difficult Blueberry".

Yesterday I had a bit of an argument with a friend though that's been brewing for a while. Here too I'm hovering: between 'Congratulations Self! " and that stuff I heard from FOO about how useless I am for not having friends with whom I bond so well that there's never need to discuss or even argue. I imagine that most often happens when somebody's stuck in the Scapegoat role. I'm done with SG.

This is more of a vent than anything else because of feeling incapable of moving forwards these past couple of days.

[Tee]

I'm my experience healthy relationship have disagreements like you said. You can't agree on everything. Being able to disagree hash it out and move beyond it is the test of the friendship.   . I hope you are able to move past the difference to a better place. Hope the venting helped we all need that too. Standing here for with you.

[Blueberry]

I'm my experience healthy relationship have disagreements like you said. You can't agree on everything. Being able to disagree hash it out and move beyond it is the test of the friendship.   

I'm beginning to learn that that is true, but it's hard having grown up in a FOO where disagreement was only permitted in certain situations. Even trying to think what those situations were is triggering me a bit. My head has gone all foggy.  Disagreeing feels dangerous. It often led to emotional abuse and sometimes physical, as well as emotional neglect and temporary abandonment when I was growing up, so not surprising.

Yes, venting was useful  in this case.

[Blueberry]

I'm doing just about everything to avoid getting on with some work I have to have completed in 24 hours or less. Maybe because I did some moderating and responding a few hours ago but didn't write much of what's being going on in my life in the last few days?

[Tee]

  I get that I still get triggered to because in my Foo it was the same.  I've also lost several people I thought were friends during misunderstanding which increased the abandonment issue for me. Hugs is does get better as you find your footing and friends that will stick by you.

Take care of you. Good luck getting your work done. 

I haven't written much about me the last few days either. It's hard every time I try it starts a war in my head and just isn't worth the struggle. So I just comment here and there.

I appreciate you Blueberry hope you have a good weekend, and are successful in completing you work.

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,

it seems to me that two independently healthy people will have to face conflict from time to time.  none of us have the same life experiences, so none of us have the same life perspective, perceptions, boundaries, or worldviews.  even here on the forum, people disagree with each other.  but, i've seen these same people being able to discuss it, work thru it, and still remain respectful and supportive.  i now look for that in the real world, which has caused me to extract myself from harmful and unhealthy relationships (of which there were many).

i hope you can continue to fight those old FOO messages, and trust the healthier ones you've been cultivating.  sending love and a hug filled w/ honesty.   

[Blueberry]

I'm not writing much atm because I have a 9 year-old visiting me and I want to spend time with him.

I've noticed when things are going to get too much. e.g. this afternoon I lay on my reclining lawn chair and dozed while he read a book and at the playground while he had a good few active minutes I lay on a huge hammock-like thing and swung slowly to and fro.

I notice how much easier it is for me now with him than last year. It wasn't really hard last year but I got triggered a bit just with him being there and 'under foot' so I worked on not being triggered directly, sometimes while talking to him as well. (Multitasking isn't normally my thing but worked then). Maybe I didn't take adequate breaks during 'under foot' triggering, Idk. Anyway for whatever reason, it's easier.  Added on 12th Aug.: actually the 'under foot' triggering was about 2 years ago. Last year I was very badly triggered and in a real mess.

I also notice that I have next to no desire for anything unhealthy to eat. It doesn't even occur to me to buy sweets or anything. No, as a treat fruit instead or a tasty cucumber. That might not work indefinitely, but for these couple of days, yes. It feels good.

[Blueberry]

Another thing to do with this situation which occured to me during the retreat: I was out and about on foot in the dark with my little visitor, on the edge of a wood. I felt braver than I normally would've because I wasn't alone. But I told myself that I'd have to protect the child if anybody attacked us, a 9 year old wouldn't be protecting me. That awoke a sort of Mama Bear in me who I don't have for myself. I felt the change in my body as well - the willingness and energy to fight for and protect a child if need be. Whereas on my own I tend to fear and then dissociation in some form or other.

 

[Tee]

  now to hold on to that for you too.

[Blueberry]

Thanks Tee  Maybe I am holding onto that a bit? I am defending myself and/or setting boundaries in other ways atm.

_________________________

I don't feel I can write this on my Taking Those Concrete Steps journal: I'm    so confused rn. I was moving some posts around and got everything all messed up. It is straightened out now and I did do that myself tho first I thought I'd have to ask Kizzie. At least it's good I didn't have to

About something else I'm happy: Got a call from people whose Little Furries I looked after last summer asking if I could do it again, starting in 5 days. I agreed to. I'll enjoy having some around for the final part of the summer holidays

There's so much stuff today that I didn't do, that I'd intended to. I must have needed the break. But at least 2 items I really should do this evening.