Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

[Sceal]

Did you remember to write down on your lists when you write them that you need to take rest as well? Is there anyway you can examine those "shoulds" and see if they really are shoulds, or if they can be re-constructed to something else, or just left all alone?

The weather does affect us, I think it is pointless to say otherwise. Personally I love autumn, because it gets a little cooler - but also because of all the pretty colours. But also socially, people doesn't try to show off as much after summer. So I don't have to either. But there is something to what Richard Adams says. Being cozy infront of a fireplace (man I wish I had one), or snuggling up in a blanket and looking out and being very grateful that I'm not outside? But that aside, research shows that when the darker months come there is such a thing as winter-depression. There's less sunlight around. Although the research has mainly been done in countries above the artic circle such as Canada and scandinavia. But I think it affects others too, and also some people are more predisposed to it.  Could you try to add some Vitamin D supplements to yourself these coming months, maybe it can help a little?

[sanmagic7]

i'm affected by the seasons, too, especially at the time they change.  those first few days of temp. change.  daylight savings time upsets me as well. 

being in our new place, we still haven't had a full year of changing seasons.  supposedly, we're heading into a rainy season, altho these first 3 months are going to be drier than usual, so they say.  we'll see.  the temp itself doesn't vary much, either, from summer to winter.  it'll be interesting.  our summer was much milder than all the heat waves i've read about, but i'm not a fan of the heat, so i loved it.

i agree that it's those in-between times of the year that can be the most uncomfortable.  as you said, even the heating systems don't quite know what to do.  i woke up cold this morning for the first time.  will have to put more effort into closing the window for the night, i guess.  or wear warmer clothes to bed.  such a dilemma!

love and hugs, sweetie.

[Blueberry]

Today when I finally got myself out of the house, I noticed it was warmer outside than in. Things to be grateful for: it wasn't snowing or raining. Makes a difference when I intend to cycle a fair distance, which I did do today.

The 'shoulds' are correspondence. Just so many emails or letters I 'should' have written or 'should' be writing. All personal. All difficult, apparently, even the easier, non-controversial ones seem to be difficult. I suppose in the case of the non-controversial ones it's that perfectionist streak again. Maybe something else too. In the case of the other ones, it just exhausts me so much, just trying to stand up for myself.

Today I was at the farm and found my work kind of tedious. Generally I do it because I don't have to think much or learn any new skills and I like that. There's enough learning going on for me in other ways, mostly emotional. Probably lots of jobs seem tedious some days, whatever profession you're in. At least I don't do SH while working on the farm - my hands are otherwise occupied.

I'm finding groups difficult atm, apart from the farm. There were 12 round the supper table this evening including babies but after supper people go their separate ways. With that in mind, it would probably make sense to skip the social occasion tomorrow morning where some of the women are who harp on about some of my activities. I'm just not good at ignoring, I rise to the bait. Today on the way to the farm I was arguing with those women in my head. What a waste of head space and the nice ride. Actually I'm generally finding people difficult atm. Just as well the forum isn't face2face.

[Three Roses]

In the same boat. I just want to be alone all the time. Standing with you.

[Blueberry]

Thank you 3R.

I'm not even sure I want to be absolutely alone. I taught a student today and that was fine. It's more that I often feel on the verge of being annoyed. Teed off and don't even know why. Well, probably because of not dealing appropriately with people going over my boundaries in the last weeks or even months and then allowing them headspace on top of it all. At some point the pot boils over.

I 'should' also be doing some more EFT and even Screen Processing. I recently did EFT on not driving, but I think probably I need to do a round of Screen Processing too. I go through phases of not doing EFT or Screen Processing. I do anything other than them. It's Flight. Do enough Flight then I end up in Fight mode. 

Thanks again for responding, 3R Helped me realise this stuff and write it out so as not to 'forget' and do more Flight.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I related to what you wrote about finding groups difficult to cope with - I admire the fact you attend groups - I just wanted to pop in here and say 'hello' and send you a hug too   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope, you brought a smile to my face

Did you remember to write down on your lists when you write them that you need to take rest as well?

Very good point Sceal. Though I once again did not write any list, the list in my head contained tons of 'really musts', not just about correspondence either but about cleaning and tidying. Tidying would involve a certain amount of discarding. I seem not to be in a discard phase, so it's difficult if not impossible. Also 'really must' shower and hair wash, another of those things I have a lot of trouble with.

So I took my rest in advance by remaining in bed. Well, I got up briefly, opened curtains, went back to bed. Enjoyed looking out at the sun on the trees and dozing.

I noticed on Monday at the farm how guilty I feel about taking a break. Since I'd spent the night there, I even had 'an own room' to retire to when my specific Monday work was done. Having my own space actually allowed me to feel at all. There is of course plenty of space in and around the farm, but I guess I don't feel completely safe about exploring more difficult feelings without a physical sense of safety too, my own 4 walls.  That might all explain why I tend to come back home from the farm craving something sweet, even if there was something sweet to eat there too. There sometimes is. In fact, honey and jam whenever you want.

[Blueberry]

So I took my rest in advance by remaining in bed. Well, I got up briefly, opened curtains, went back to bed. Enjoyed looking out at the sun on the trees and dozing.

Ditto today. But I have now showered and washed my hair, so that's a start on doing things for myself.

As I read elsewhere on the forum, it's a question of acceptance I suppose. Accept that this is the way I'm treating myself atm, that there are undoubtedly reasons, that this too shall pass. These phases always do. They pass faster these days than they used to.

[Blueberry]

As usual I'm putting off cleaning and tidying, so I'm just going to make a promise to myself here to get a start on it. Those dust bunnies would be priority, but anything will do so long as I start.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry - popped in here and then found I am unable to say anything coherent - except that I hope you have been able to 'start' as you hoped you would.  I have been putting things off too today - but the day is going ok - regardless of what has been done.  I hope yours will also go ok.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope I hope things continue to go well for you today too.

I actually did start! Then I caused a problem with my vacuum cleaner which I won't be able to deal with till Monday. Nonetheless there is tons of cleaning work to be done that doesn't need a vac. cleaner.

Tidying is especially important and I've started that too. I will also be able to mop the kitchen floor and will probably do so this evening. That's an advantage for me of a non-functioning vac. cleaner

Once I got going tidying and cleaning, I noticed the will coming back to do some re-arranging and even just some installation e.g. of little shelves along the wall for some little decorations which are sitting in a box rn. This is actually a fairly old topic, like from inpatient T about 6 years ago. I did start on it then - setting up and decorating my apartment to reflect myself and my interests and also to be practical, like having my cookbooks on a shelf in the kitchen rather than a shelf in the living room. Just one example, and already set up too.

This topic is really quite important for me in my healing. One reason is that my parents delayed for a long time on setting up properly, not because they didn't have the money or the handyman skills but because they, especially M, didn't want to live where we did, where F was employed. She often bitterly referred to our family as "camping out" till she could take us children all back to her and F's country-of-origin. When we lived in their home country for a year the energy in FOO for setting things up and making a home was palpable but apparently not long enough to make a lasting impression on me. I know that might sound a bit waify, but I do seem to have a terrible problem with energy disappearing when I attempt to do something that just wasn't done in FOO for most of my childhood.

I realised today while starting cleaning and tidying that one reason I've been stalling is I have too many plans in my head, often very small ones. It's not as if I intend to re-paint a wall or something like that. It can be something relatively simple like tape up children's paintings, gifts from children dear to me. Somehow it's a big effort. Again just one example.

[Blueberry]

Mopped the kitchen floor (which meant clearing a bunch of stuff off it first) Mopped a bunch of other floors outside my apartment but in the building and finally got back onto working on an email to a friend with whom I have been having problems (see here http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=10215.0 if interested)

[Deep Blue]

That's awesome blueberry!

[Blueberry]

There was a local election here today and I notice how stirred up I get. It was very close, but with the mayor I was rooting for somewhat behind the one I really don't want. Neither of them got 50.1% of the votes so there'll be a re-run in 2 weeks and then whoever has the majority, even if under 50%, wins.

I feel revved up to 'fight' in a positive way, campaign for the mayor I voted for. Unfortunately if he doesn't win the second time around, then I'd fall a bit. Him winning would probably involve mobilising non-voters. It's easier for me to mobilise for somebody else than for myself. Far easier e.g. to put an election poster for him in my window than my own advertising. Though somebody passing my window today made a slightly disparaging remark, which I heard because I was passing by too, and it didn't really bother me. I shrugged innerly. For a long time the incident would have led to my ICr having a field day and me either with extreme impulse to SH or just automatically doing so.  for me on this progress.

I have noticed quite a bit of progress today but I wrote it down in my paper journal. Being able to do that - feeling and writing in paper journal at same time - is a bunch of progress all on its own.

[Three Roses]