Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

[Blueberry]

Today I spent most of the day in bed. I'm accepting it more or less. "Have to" or "should" get out of bed doesn't help. I did get out of bed for a couple of clients.

I miss this place when it's down but now it's up again I realise there's nothing to post. My head's all foggy. I dreamt about FOO last night, it wasn't a good dream.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I did try to come here earlier today - but couldn't - so having just read your entry in your Journal, I now understand why. 
I just wanted to give you a supportive hug  if that's ok, because I also feel like I've got a 'foggy head' - and I empathise with your feeling - in that respect.  Glad that you rested today - and that you also managed to see a couple of your clients.  I think that's good going, especially after a bad dream about your FOO.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope! Supportive hugs are lovely. 

I've recognised in the past couple of days that I'm just barely getting by, I'm just managing to hang in there. SI is not an issue rn, it's staying up and doing whatever it is I have planned, even down to taking my medicine and other very basic self-care.

So yes  for managing to work with clients atm at all. I got an enquiry for my other profession yesterday and have absolutely no problem whatsoever with saying that I'm ill atm and can't do it. I would go down with a bad cold if I tried. I know I've been making some progress for a while in that I don't go down with bad colds for 2 weeks at a time any more. It's good that I notice now beforehand.

I had a therapy appointment today. I asked T if he's ever going to say that it's time I stopped therapy and went and sorted out my stuff on my own. He said that's not on the cards. He won't be working for ever more, which I do know. He almost retired in March but then decided to continue p/t instead. But for the foreseeable future he's quite OK with me continuing. He also said this 3 times a quarter deal I get doesn't have any kind of restriction on it as far as the medical insurance is concerned. I'm very relieved. I'm also grateful that my country of residence covers so much. 

He did even say that especially with the CSA that at some point I should probably consider therapy weekly again, but that would involve finding a new therapist. He didn't say so, but the other possibility would be inpatient.

The other thing once again apparent to me is: despite all the bits of progress I'm making which I notice myself, my GP notices, others on here notice and tell me, despite all that there's an awful lot of work left so to speak and so for whatever reasons exactly I'm very badly affected by cptsd. I tend to minimise. But no. I've been working on myself more or less non-stop for years and there are still so many problems just with day-to-day living and getting by. I don't want to compare myself to others on here and have a competition of who has it worse, who is more badly affected. It's more for me: proof that it really was bad, that it's legitimate that I still have so many problems, that I still feel sometimes as if I'm about to collapse and I have no idea how I'd get by without therapy.

[sanmagic7]

i relate completely to your very last paragraph, bb.  inhale, exhale.  it keeps becoming evident nearly on a weekly basis.  whew!  no wonder you want to hit the bed so often - this crapola is exhausting.  hang tough, sweetie.  i'm just glad you're realizing this for yourself.  love and hugs full of support and caring.  it'll happen.

[Blueberry]

I am back today from my healing retreat.  I came back last night in fact and today I stayed in bed till 3 pm. I'm quite OK with that. I obviously needed it.

The healing was very intense. So much became clear I can't write it all down, though some I wrote on my way home in the train.

One sentence I said quite a few times with real meaning was "I can't carry your pain too." I wasn't thinking about the forum while saying it. But I'll try and be mindful in the next while with myself and see how much moderating might be part of that. The person I mean here is one of the friends I've been struggling with for a while, mostly in my head. I could really feel how this friend is meant. Yes, I directed some of that sentence a different direction, to my parents. But atm this friend and her behaviour - they're it.

[Deep Blue]

Beautifully said my dear 

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad your retreat was helpful and healing for you, blueberry.  i've gotten a lot out of those in the past as well.  i think that's a great statement you brought out of it for yourself.  it's so true and so freeing.

keep up the good work, sweetie.  glad you had time to rest afterwards.   love and hugs.

[Blueberry]

If I'm honest with myself, I check on here daily especially first thing in the morning as a  "Good morning" to friends since there's no one irl to say it to.

sounds desperate, lonely. But I'll let it stand.

[Deep Blue]

Good morning blueberry,
Not desperate or lonely.  I do it too! Glad you let it stand 

[Three Roses]

I don't think it's desperate at all, I do it, too!

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I absolutely do this as well - you are not alone - and I don't think it's desperate either.  It is heart-warming to know we are looking out for one another and checking in.  That's what I think.
to you, Blueberry.
Hope 

[Sceal]

I also tend to check in the morning, and also right before I go to bed sometimes too.

[sanmagic7]

i'm part of this morning check-in.  not desperate to me, either.  this is the safest place i know, with the best people (besides my d) who i would like to start my day with.  i also check in before bed, maybe not to write, but to read something positive someone said or did.  it's comforting to me, helps me sleep better.

we really are all in this together.  love and hugs, and nite nite.

[Blueberry]

Oh, wow! I'm not alone in this. 

[Hope67]

Definitely not alone Blueberry   
Hope