[Blueberry]

So continuing with beneficial and constructive but edging in a bit with self-accountable. Not expecting a full turn-around on this, healing over night or anything but just giving myself a gentle nudge.

I already started about 5-6 weeks ago with taking my thyroid supplements daily despite knowing that there's a rebel in me somewhere who doesn't like doing things regularly, especially things that are beneficial to me. That rebel's being surprisingly quiet atm though. Never a squeak about me and these meds. Being accountable to self means continuing this post some other time when I'm less tired 

[sanmagic7]

well done, blueberry.   glad that little rebel is stepping back in the name of personal health.  keep taking care of you, sweetie, on every level.  love and hugs.

[Hope67]

So continuing with beneficial and constructive but edging in a bit with self-accountable.

Wishing you the best with this, Blueberry.

   

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope    The self-accountable doesn't feel so easy. Probably I need to have a look at in what concrete ways I already am self-accountable and in what further ways I could become so. But go slowly. This is a Yikes kind of topic and step for me.

[Blueberry]

It's definitely very beneficial for me to have Little Furries to petsit for 10 days 

They came on Saturday so I figured it's time I sat down with them and got them a bit better habituated to me. So I sat on a chair in front of their spacious accommodation and nibbled certain juicy, crunchy, delectable items of raw vegetable. If the Little Furries could salivate they would've been doing so. Instead they managed to extend their necks really long and were sniffing around excitedly and then I broke off little bits of veg and reached far back into their accommodation. Slowly, slowly Little Furries began taking little bits of veg from my outstreched fingers. Then as they got more daring, they came to the front part of their accommodation, putting their little paws on my knees, hardly able to contain themselves waiting for the next bite. Within a short space of time, they were both pretty tame and trusting. And I have been eating those pieces of healthy, nutritious raw veg. Little Furries would not have been interested in any sugary snacks. It was really fun feeding them and talking to them about how brave and clever they were being 

Unfortunately I noticed that I'll need to do a spot of accountable to Little Furries tomorrow. It looks as if one of them has a slight medical problem which will probably entail a vet visit.  Since I can't do that tonight anyway, I thought I'd be nice to Little Furry and not haul him out of his accommodation to have a closer look till later tonight or tomorrow. I notice my energy zooming off at the thought of having to deal with a medical problem. But it's part of petsitting. I have to deal if it turns out necessary. Traditionally it has been easier for me to look after my pets than myself. So I'll see here how it goes.

Accountable to self in other ways: I feel  about the number of emails I 'ought to be' writing: to enF, to B2, to the friend I'm trying to sort things with, and a few business ones as well. Being accountable to myself would entail letting that all slide until I really feel as if I can without stressing myself needlessly and then resorting to addictive behaviour.

[Elphanigh]

This sounds like a wonderful venture Blueberry. I am glad to hear you are starting to keep that regular healthy thing going, that rebel being a little quieter is good in this instance. Wishing you lots of luck with the fur babies (mine found a way into the closet with our water heater today). 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Elpha! Beneficial and constructive aren't new but when they were new I suppose they felt as strange and as difficult as accountable does now.

I was accountable to the Furries. I took them to the vet's and I didn't have any kind of plummet in energy. I took them by cargo bike, which is a first for me for a vet trip. I'm still getting used to the cargo bike but it went well and the success of that gives me more energy rather than taking away. Also being accountable and getting that vet trip done and finding out that yes Furry does have a slight medical problem gives me energy too. I wasn't being hypochondriac.

[Blueberry]

I had a little breakthrough in understanding today, which is beneficial.

Just after Horrendous FOO Event no. 2 it occurred to me out of the blue that the word for my sibs' treatment of me at the Event was "callous". Back home I was trying to explain that to a few people, but in my day-to-day working language if I back-translate the word for "callous", it's "unfeeling". For me there's a definite difference between "callous" and "unfeeling". "Callous" is worse, there's something about it that's more actively nasty but I could never really put my finger on it.

Then it kind of hit me this evening: what my sibs and in fact most adults in FOO (excepting one SIL basically) were exuding was various degrees of "it's only Blueberry, she doesn't matter. " That may be unfeeling, but it's also callous. Most of them hadn't seen me for 4 years and wouldn't be likely to again - even from their perspective - for another couple at least. But that apparently didn't matter because it was only me. They probably thought they could go back to what contact had been before Horrendous Event, which included occasional phone calls and 'normal' things like Xmas cards or contact from me to my nieces and nephews (all small). They were wrong though. I decided on very low contact and I'm sticking to that.

Some theoretical person following my 'story' on here might ask: "What's new there? BB has said all that before." Answer: The context in which this all occurred to me - I was ruminating on this thing with a friend that I've written about here http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=9265.0 and also on the Blog as a question to Pete Walker. I don't think she's callous the way most FOO mbrs are towards me but there seems to have been a "my stuff more important than BB's stuff" going on as well as an inability to understand my pov and inability to make any compromise before it was too late. With this friend, I feel burn-out. Yes, it would've been good if I had been able to set limits earlier than I did, but I'm still in my healing process (so is my friend) and I wasn't able to.  So I need a long, long break from contact with her - time to heal basically, and then see if there's much left to say, or how can we pick up the friendship and move forwards? Or can we at all? At the moment I can't. So I won't. Giving myself and a whole host of other topics in my life priority, whereas up until about 6 months ago I was putting her above many topics in my life. Mistake. Big mistake. Another bit of progress: I'm not giving myself a hard time about this It's all part of my healing process, that's all.

[Hope67]

I had a little breakthrough in understanding today, which is beneficial.

Very glad you've had a little breakthrough in understanding, and that it's been beneficial. 
  to you, Blueberry.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Hope      back to you. I haven't read in your Journal recently because I feel kind of burned out.

___________________________________

I spent a good part of the afternoon in the garden, sorting through papers and either filing in appropriate place or throwing out. Sometimes I sort through papers and throw the relevant ones out, but still have a stack of 'keepers' that aren't yet filed in the correct place. Needless to say it's more beneficial if I file them all. I think more self-accountable too because I'm actually finishing the job.

I can already feel something a bit like anxiety creeping up in me at the number of things I didn't do today and *have to* do by tomorrow, Friday, the weekend, Monday... (depending on task). The feeling of *have to* is more or less never helpful. I don't actually have to do these things piling up in my brain. They're in planning, but if I don't manage them, neither I nor the world will come to a sticky end. So, beneficial to note that!

Today I had my Furries with me. They enjoyed being outside in the garden. The weather's meant to turn a bit autumnal or at least rain tomorrow so it feels good to me that I bothered to put them outside today. I would regret it tomorrow if I couldn't put them out at all during their stay with me because of rain.

[sanmagic7]

i hope you can rectify those 'have to's' for yourself - put in that context, they almost sound like 'shoulds' to me.  don't know if that's exactly true, but it was a sense i got when reading what you wrote.

words and their meanings are very important to me, and i totally understand what you're saying about the difference between callous and unfeelling.  callous does seem to have a sharper edge to it, possibly even some neg. intent. 

i'm also glad you got to work in the garden for a bit, let the furries get some fresh air and earthy smells.  it feels like a fun little picture in my mind.  keep up the good work, sweetie.  i think you're doing really well.  keep taking care of you first, always.   love and hugs.

[Blueberry]

Yes, you're right san, they're more like 'coulds' that turned into 'shoulds' and then 'have tos'. In the meantime, life played a blinder. I injured my foot so I keep remembering to rest my leg and foot and elevate it or at least be lying down with my leg no lower than the rest of me. This rather scuppers all those 'shoulds' and 'have tos' 

I think you got your finger on it, there's some neg. intent with "callous" whereas with "unfeeling" you might have no real intent, you're just ignoring something that's going on.

My fur babies loved being in the garden, trotting about and choosing their own food all within a very small protected area but nonetheless... Change of scenery, change of underfoot, change of air quality.     Since yesterday it's been raining, which is looooong overdue, but I'm glad I put the Furries out that one time. I wouldn't be going through the effort with my injured foot anyway.

Thank you as always for pointing out progress or "doing well". Puts a  on my face.  back to you.

[Blueberry]

Thank you BeHea1thy for the validation, and for reading 

Being able to look back and see the difference is one of the things that keep me going consistently and that have kept me going for years on this healing journey.

I seem to have a long history of discounting myself and go from one friendship or even situation to another discounting myself or allowing myself to be discounted. Partially I have those 'blinders' on, being blind to how someone is treating me because it used to feel dangerous and scary to stand up for myself in case somebody then pushed me out of the circle of people, the way FOO did for years and still does. But I am beginning to heal from all that and to feel stronger in myself, less reliant on other people, and so I can let go of other people. I'm making progress 

I've been sorting through various stacks of papers on and off. Yesterday evening I saw an article about caretaking burnout and it was about caretaking of those with mental health problems. What the article stressed particularly was the need for self-care to avoid burn out. I didn't do enough self-care in contact with this friend, I went over my own limits too much and I'm not even her caretaker! I really really need to watch myself in these types of situations. Burnt out is how I feel. That's why I couldn't do one more thing for her. I never sent her a condolences card when her mother died because I just couldn't do one other thing without sorting out what's going on. And so it remains.

[Blueberry]

I was over at OOTF for a while and saw this tag line: "Manipulation is deception at its highest art form. It is my attempt to make you believe that what is best for me is best for you." (Beth Moore)

Appropriate for what this friend seems to have been doing to me, at least some of the time.

The "but it's not all the time" excuse I know all too well from FOO and I do  or :rolleyes: about it now. So the fact that this friend doesn't act this way all the time is irrelevant. I've even thought a bit of The Cycle of Abuse in this case, the way I've been letting all this happen.

[Blueberry]

One problem I'm having or rather that I'm doing to myself is not being assertive enough with "No."

That's how I allowed the friend I've been ruminating on for the last while to go over my boundaries, that's how I allowed a previous friend to go over my boundaries too often. Not all people consistently go over my boundaries, but those who do? They require a definite, unequivocal "No." Possibly followed by "I don't want this." In some cases maybe followed by a rhetorical "What part of 'no' don't you understand?" and then leave area. I think the latter question might be good for my garden neighbour and especially her mother (who doesn't officially live here, she comes and does gardening work for her daughter).

My T has pointed this out to me before and today it suddenly occurred to me. Earlier today I moved the potted plants neighbour's mother put in my part of the garden back to neighbour's garden. Pretty unequivocal too. I'd prefer to be able to give a resounding 'No' that would be respected.

I feel as if there's a damper in my throat not allowing that resounding "NO!" to come out because "it's rude". Goes back to FOO not accepting my verbal 'no' whereas their forms of 'no' - physical violence - were OK??  OK, they weren't rude exactly, they were , well, violent. Abusive. As san says it's like trying to make sense out of nonsense, like trying to build a tower out of jello. It doesn't work, it can't work.

Saying 'No' in a more assertive manner = self-accountable.