[Three Roses]

I feel as if there's a damper in my throat not allowing that resounding "NO!" to come out because "it's rude".

Seems to me they were rude first. You're taking the high ground and not being harsh, you're just standing up for your own preferences. That is OKAY TO DO!

I like the "broken record" act, because I seem to allow myself to get drawn into debates about things that don't need to be debated (my own wishes, preferences, etc.). Instead of thinking of a polite response to what the other person is saying, just restating my position and repeating it as many times as necessary seems to work well for me. (The other party tends to get real tired of hearing the same thing over and over! )

Putting the plants back where they belonged was a nice thing to do. They were lost and needed to go home. 

[Blueberry]

I've been on here quite a while but a lot of the time I was actually reading some of my own old posts. Although that's rumination and not getting on with life, I find it useful. However now I'm getting off this area of the computer so I can do a little work I need to. This is being self-accountable.

[Blueberry]

I've decided to remove the "self-accountable" from my recovery goals because it occurred to me it's like all-encompassing goals I sometimes had in the past: "to heal", "to get better" or goals I've been told are important for those of us with cptsd: "heal from the victim role", "stop being 'waify' ". None are specific enough. I wonder too if it's not a replacement for the goal I recently decided against: "to be able to work again" (full-time, part-time, as an employee... or whatever else).

There are so many ways in which I could be accountable to self, it's too much, too overwhelming. Last night when thinking about being self-accountable in one particular way - what I have forgotten - I wanted to go on an eating rampage. I didn't do so. But that tells me: careful, careful. Small steps.

What I did do last night was write my Highly Recommended / Could list for today and think that going back to writing it every day would be a constructive way of adding little bits of self-accountability to my life.           

[Blueberry]

I feel as if there's a damper in my throat not allowing that resounding "NO!" to come out because "it's rude".

Seems to me they were rude first. You're taking the high ground and not being harsh, you're just standing up for your own preferences. That is OKAY TO DO!

Thanks for cheering me on. I hadn't really thought about my neighbours being rude first. The "it's rude" sentence is of course something from my childhood. Idk if others on here remember that too? Being 'shut up' by parents / grandparents / any other elders because either your objections to somebody going over your boundaries  or just you stating your preferences were "rude". They were rude by definition because these people were older than you or more important or something. So I guess it's a mild EF as usual.

I like the "broken record" act, because I seem to allow myself to get drawn into debates about things that don't need to be debated (my own wishes, preferences, etc.). Instead of thinking of a polite response to what the other person is saying, just restating my position and repeating it as many times as necessary seems to work well for me. (The other party tends to get real tired of hearing the same thing over and over! )

"Allowing myself to get drawn into debates about things that are not up for debate" used to be one of my middle names. But I'm beginning to let it go. Repeating like a broken record and not allowing somebody to derail you is probably one method of being assertive. I'm working towards that now.

Putting the plants back where they belonged was a nice thing to do. They were lost and needed to go home. 

 

[Three Roses]

"Allowing myself to get drawn into debates about things that are not up for debate" used to be one of my middle names.

That's a long middle name! Hard to fit it in the little boxes on forms!

[Blueberry]

I've changed the third of my next steps to 'mindful' since that's what I'm working on atm with eating and all other food related topics. I notice being mindful about that is leading to me being a bit more mindful in general, which is definitely beneficial! Like this afternoon I was mindful of my reluctance to continue reading in my professional magazines and deciding on filing or throwing out. So it was obviously time to stop and I did.

As I think I wrote somewhere else yesterday, e.g. under Recovery Letters or FOO, enF phoned friends of mine to get information about me. I haven't spent too much time thinking about it consciously. A few times today something has occurred to me and then my mind has moved onto other things. Progress. At one point I realised I was angry but without feeling uncontrollable rage. This is novel for me, it really feels good. Uncontrollable rage doesn't feel good at all because among other things it takes me back into immediate post-trauma feelings, like being a victim and not able to change that at all, no escape.

The Little Furries are going to be collected by their owners tomorrow morning. It's a shame, I'd be glad to keep them a few more days. Originally they were going to be collected in the late afternoon so I thought I could have them out in the garden with me one last time. Oh well. That's how it goes.

[Sceal]

So happy to read about your progress!  It sounds like you've been working really hard, and it's wonderful to read that you're noticing it's effects.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to give you a hug today - if that's ok    I know that the little Furries are going home - and I hope you'll be ok.  You gave them a lovely home for their holiday - I am sure they appreciated that. 
I think your 'mindful' approach sounds positive.  Wishing you the best with it.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Hope      is great. Yes, the Little Furries were collected today. I did manage to give them 30 minutes in the garden before they went home and they really enjoyed that. Their owners were very appreciative of my care and have asked if they can bring them again despite a fairly long drive here.

Just today there's an email asking me if I could look after 2 more Little Furries towards the end of the month, so that's nice. I don't have to wait months and months. It's a bit strange atm - whenever I go into the room where the Furries were living, I almost speak to them and then remember that they're not there. It's interesting how quickly I get back into the habit of that.

My mindful approach to eating is bringing changes already.

Thank you Sceal too for commenting and cheering 

_____________________________________

I'm very tired today but this is hardly surprising since it felt as if I didn't sleep a wink last night. Maybe I did Idk. But I definitely got up at about 5am and started tidying a shelf that had all sorts of bits of paper on it. It looks much better, but sleep would have been more beneficial.

[Blueberry]

I feel as if there's a damper in my throat not allowing that resounding "NO!" to come out because "it's rude".

Seems to me they were rude first. You're taking the high ground and not being harsh, you're just standing up for your own preferences. That is OKAY TO DO!

Thank you again, Three Roses! This is so applicable to what's going on in my head and emotions re: my email response to enF. I don't even want to check my emails in case there's a reply from him. I can 'hear' him and my M haranguing me about being "rude" though all I did was question that inappropriate phone call enF made behind my back. Individuating is "rude" apparently, especially when done by me. And yeah, in my email response I'm standing up for what is good for me, what I need in my healing journey. Not that I wrote that, not wanting to give any extra ammunition and I don't owe them an explanation.

[Three Roses]

❤️❤️❤️

[Blueberry]

Thanks 3Roses 

I had forgotten until today that when I make a gigantic step forwards like calling enF out (FOO taboo, the more so because I'm doing it) that my reactions that send me spiralling back down again are delayed.

I'm not doing too badly considering. I didn't get up till noonish but when I did I started listening to a CD, singing with it and moving a little. Not dancing as such which would be too much atm but more just taking steps and/or swaying gently.

I also took both meds and had some breakfast. I didn't force myself to have a shower though I really do need one. It's more beneficial for me to do things I feel inspired to do like singing along with the CD rather than things I really have to force myself to do and even then it may not work. I didn't force myself to go outside either, even though it's a very nice sunny autumn day. I still needed to feel safe inside my own four walls.

Last night I ate things I shouldn't have and in a quantity I shouldn't have either. But I'll write more about that over on the Eating Issues thread.

Possibly I need a break after working hard, as Sceal pointed out further upthread.

[Sceal]

We all need a break after working hard, I think you doing the things you want to do today rather than have to, or should, is more beneficial for you. Self care is important. The shower isn't going anywhere, you can take it tomorrow, or on tuesday.  When you are ready. Same with the rest of the outside world. Some days we need to remain indoor to protect ourselves. 

[Blueberry]

We all need a break after working hard, I think you doing the things you want to do today rather than have to, or should, is more beneficial for you. Self care is important. The shower isn't going anywhere, you can take it tomorrow, or on tuesday.  When you are ready. Same with the rest of the outside world. Some days we need to remain indoor to protect ourselves. 

This message from you Sceal is still apt. Shower? Maybe Wednesday (today) or Thursday...

I'm taking gigantic steps forward re: FOO atm. Full stop. Need to feel safe in order to do that. Need not push myself to do anything else atm.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like you have both priorities and boundaries in place, sweetie.  keep at it and good luck with your foo stuff.  wishing you all the best.   love and hugs.