Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

[sanmagic7]

yes, you did mindfully notice.  a pos. step, i would think.  good for you, blueberry.

that whole relationship thing  has been a big change for me.  unthinkable about sums it up.  i've also done what i could to repair stuff, but, like you said, when it's too much baggage, maybe it just can't be done.  besides, it takes two to make repairs, doesn't it? 

that's what i've discovered a lot in the past - i was willing to do the hard work, while the other person wasn't.  not that i'm puffing myself up but as much as i thought i could, i couldn't fix these by myself.  couldn't fix the people (heaven knows i tried - in my arrogance), nor could i fix the relationship.  eventually, i was usually pushed to the point where it was impossible to stay anymore, or they dumped me.

either way, the relationship ended, and looking back, i agree - those people helped me get stronger within myself, got to know, understand, and create boundaries, and learn how i needed to be different.  i don't want to go back to being the person i was - it's how i got into all these difficulties in the first place.

live and learn - we are good at that.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Hope67]

I feel stronger because of this realisation too.

[/quote]


Hi Blueberry - this is great!     Sending  you a warm hug 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Hope 
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Needless to say I'm having trouble motivating myself to finish either of my contracts now. It's good for me to note.

[Blueberry]

 
Those translations I'm meant to have completed...   

Well, I have to finish them somehow, but they're both going to be later than I originally said. Then I'm truly giving up translation (except criminal record checks) and giving up proofreading of translations done in other countries. That's the one job I'm doing at the moment, but it has turned into a re-translate on account of the omissions, inconsistencies and just plain errors. At least yesterday when the client sent an impatient email, I mentioned all those 'omissions, inconsistencies and just plain errors'. As in: You misled me as to the amount of work necessary, so Leave me alone now!!

The definition of my work disability is being unable to consistently work longer than 2.75 hours a day, 5 days a week. Well, I have to admit to myself that this really fits for translation. There atm I can manage max 30 mins in one go and then I need a break of several hours or sometimes even a day or two. Because my brain goes on strike. It's not worth it, not worth it, not worth it. What a life struggling with my brand of cptsd and translations    It means I'm not just struggling when translating. I end up struggling with everything, including getting up in the morning. It affects my teaching ability, not to mention an increase in my 'need' for unhealthy crutches like eating.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i can totally relate to having a brain that goes on strike after a certain amount of time.  translating is a very difficult accomplishment in and of itself - i've had experience with that in mex.  not just to get the words correct, but the meaning as well.  and, when you have omissions and inconsistencies, yeah, a head ache for sure.

sounds like you're discovering some limits and boundaries for yourself.  well done.  i consistently run out of steam just writing on the forum.  it's difficult to think that hard for too long, which is why i've been posting less and less as time goes on.

it makes total sense to me why you have 'bed' days - they sound needed and necessary, and i'm just glad that it seems like you're becoming more patient with yourself when taking them.  i'm glad you have the kind of work that allows them for you.  keep up the good work.  i think you're doing really wonderfully.   love and a restful hug for when you need it.

[Blueberry]

Decision: As hard as it is - I need to refuse all translations except criminal records with no entries (because they are very easy for me ) I need to continue my break from translation. I do realise that it's too early to embark on translating children's literature which is still a dream of mine. And here, I can forgive and accept myself that it is the case. But not with other translations.

I wrote this over on the Employment board and I can't emphasise it enough. I need to turn down proofreading too. Worth exploring in T or on my own what's hindering me from forgiving and accepting myself for not being able to translate all those other documents other than children's literature.

Maybe it's because I'm leaving the door open to children's lit. in the future and am trying to close the door behind me to all those other translation types. I could hold a kind of funeral for my life as translator (except literary). Maybe not funeral, but do some sort of ritual like writing about it, mourning maybe and then throwing the paper in the river. Something like that.

[Blueberry]

A couple of people commented that it sounds like a really hard decision to make, and it is. I noticed that while I was talking about it. I can remember thinking and even writing (here? paper Journal?) that it's sad that in a profession where my work is seen objectively, from outside, as good, I still can't do the work with any regularity. cptsd gets in the way every time. Now when I talk about my decision I'm feeling the pain more. Pain at accepting the terrible effect cptsd has had and continues to have on my life. It sounds kind of  to say "terrible effect" but I think nonetheless it has had a terrible effect in a ton of different ways. It's an illness and debilitating. Or injury, if you like, and debilitating. 

This. Atm I'm avoiding feeling the pain by eating and going back to bed, and before that I was avoiding feeling the pain by thinking to myself "Maybe I can after all..." and accepting work I should have turned down.

It is good to realise this atm because there is some other work I've accepted that I could still turn down and should do so. It's teaching one-one-one, two members of one family who both need to come several hours a week, but separately. It's too much. I'd like to be able to do it, but it's too much. There are hurdles to jump through before I can even start, hurdles which give me anxiety. That's a cptsd thing so I could do a round of eFT on that so as to better accept. The thing with the translations is showing me that even though I have put some work, time, ideas, thoughts into this latest teaching request, it would better for me and for clients to turn the whole thing down now than start and then struggle. I wish I'd done that with the translations.

Also I've done this kind of thing in the past: taken on too many students and collapsed for months. Not a good thing, to state the obvious.

[Blueberry]

Those translations I'm meant to have completed...   

Well, I have to finish them somehow

I've decided I don't have to finish them, or more to the point I noticed yesterday that in one case I can't. Literally. I look at the remaining words and paragraphs and I have no idea what to write. My mind is blank. I'm going to copy  what I've done so far onto a CD and post it today. I'm meant to post, not email. So I will. The client won't be so happy, but I guess he'll live. He might also learn that being very persuasive in your arguments might backfire sometimes. Last Friday he managed to persuade me to try at least this part of the contract even though I mentioned ill-health. I could tell he's somebody who is used to managing to persuade and convince others.

The one that is more correction and more phrases than actual paragraphs I will do because my mind isn't completely blank but I realised when writing a Recovery Letter on the issue that it would be wise to demand payment in cash before I hand the translation into the authority who needs it. I have the original certificates and I can use this as a passive bargaining point. As in the client can't say "to * with you, I'm not paying up, I'll get somebody else to do it." No sir, if you want your originals back you have to do some negotiation on price.

[Three Roses]

No sir, if you want your originals back you have to do some negotiation on price.

You go girl!

[Blueberry]

Easier to write than actually do.

[sanmagic7]

it sounds like a good idea, on paper or doing it.  i know it's a huge difference tho.  supporting you on this, sending strength if you need it.

i really related to your statements about how the effects of c-ptsd can be so unforgiving toward us as we attempt to have a life.  what seems easy for others is a battle, struggle, painfully difficult chore at times for us, and, yes, can send us reeling for weeks on end at times.  been there, done that - it's horrible.  there was a time when i watched the same 2 movies night after night just for the comfort and routine of them to get me to another day.  that went on for months.

i think your fighting spirit is commendable, bb.  whether you can 'translate' that into action remains to be seen.  however, it's there, and i see that as a pos. sign.  you're getting there, making progress.  i wonder if that thought would have even entered your mind 6 mos. ago.

i'm glad you're seeing boundaries for yourself more clearly.  i think that's a great step.  sending love and hugs, sweetie.

[Blueberry]

No sir, if you want your originals back you have to do some negotiation on price.

You go girl!

This one I've set in motion now! It did take me about 24 hours to be able to set a new price, but I've done it. I've also closed my email pgm to give myself a break, summon up emotional strength again etc.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I think your letter to that client was really astute and well-written, and I applaud your ability to have asserted your boundaries in relation to that work - and well done for setting your new price - and giving yourself a break too. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

it sounds like a good idea, on paper or doing it.  i know it's a huge difference tho.  supporting you on this, sending strength if you need it.

i think your fighting spirit is commendable, bb.  whether you can 'translate' that into action remains to be seen.  however, it's there, and i see that as a pos. sign.  you're getting there, making progress.  i wonder if that thought would have even entered your mind 6 mos. ago.

i'm glad you're seeing boundaries for yourself more clearly.  i think that's a great step.  sending love and hugs, sweetie.

Thanks so much for all the progress you're seeing and then for telling me it all. You#re right, 6 mos. ago I wouldn't have been dealing in this way at all.  And thanks for sending strength, I really need that.

As both B1 and enF flitted through my head, I realised part of the problem is saying "No" to men. Men who manage to sound reasonable while upping their demands and trying to push my price down and circumvent other conditions I set.

there was a time when i watched the same 2 movies night after night just for the comfort and routine of them to get me to another day.  that went on for months.

This makes me feel a lot better!  I'm back to playing Patience and looking at pictures of flowers and dreaming about my furbabies, though I know I wouldn't have the wherewithall to look after them atm.

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much for commenting, Hope!