Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

[Sceal]

Just want to join in on the cheering. Wow, that is alot of progress that you have made. And how incredible that you are also in a place where you can notice and acknowledge  the victories you did during that speech!  big hurray!

[Blueberry]

Thanks Sceal 
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Today I had planned to do all sorts of stuff, most of which I didn't do. I'm not sure what's going on. I did think to myself it would maybe be best to go for a walk in the fresh air, but I didn't. Or deliver a couple of things I meant to deliver to 2 different people, but again I didn't. Possibly I was concentrating too much on other people. I did have a flash of an idea to buy myself a big artist's block because I've been wanting to stick all those papers, postcards, photos etc. lying around into it and write little comments. But instead of doing so I went back to bed and slept for 4-5 hours. So now I'm up and awake at a time when most people are going to bed.

I did phone a friend I hadn't spoken to for a few weeks and apologised for being a bit stand-offish. She hadn't noticed though. And I phoned a client to reschedule an appointment. So that's good. But there were a number of other people to phone about various things and I didn't. I went back to bed.

[Wattlebird]

Hi bb
Sounds like you needed some rest a relaxation, I usually need a day or 2 like that each week where I can sleep, rest and get enough energy to tackle the next couple of days, my t says the emotional chaos inside is very very draining and it's natural and helpful not to ignore that, so I'm going with that, I used to hide somewhere to sleep mid day as I was so ashamed of my laziness.
But now I think of it as more of an emotional regulation to keep me on top of things (well not exactly on top of things but not drowning in anxiety at least) 

[Blueberry]

I guess I did Wattlebird, because today I got on with some of the things from yesterday. Now at the end of the day I'm tired so maybe yesterday i was resting in advance. I do that too e.g. stay in bed in the morning because that automatically limits the amount of rushing around I can do in a day.

I think I expect to be over taking naps by now. It is true that I'm moving forwards quite a bit but I still need to rest more than people my age normally would.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i echo all the cheers here.  well done, especially that you can see positive changes for/in yourself.  that's so very cool.  so glad you got a whole lot of healing going on. 

i have been taking naps since my 20's, and a lot of times they are the most restful and rejuvenating sleep i get.  i still take them, and don't intend to stop.  i've always firmly believed that rest/sleep is the most healing thing we can do for ourselves.  for those of us who've also been traumatized, dealing with 'everyday' things can be heavy and wearing, where it might not be for someone else.

so, i've put those comparisons aside, and i'm glad.  my dad used to nap every day as well - maybe that's where i got the 'permission' to do it without feeling guilty/ashamed about it.  at any rate, as long as it's helpful, i don't see where it has anything to do with lazy, and everything to do with self-care.  go back to bedders, unite!   

love and hugs, sweetie. 

[Blueberry]

I feel all tired again today. I did get some stuff dealt with e.g. some Xmas shopping. I also bought a large artist's pad and was thinking of getting on with using it but then didn't.

My legs and feet hurt from yesterday and this makes me depressed because I used to be able to walk great distances fairly quickly. Now lack of exercise is taking its toll. But I also know that planning to exercise 2-3 times a week is just not going to work. Regular exercise is anathema to me. Maybe something to explore in T.

I am interested to see in the local newspaper that you can apply for a free spot in a year-long course on improving eating habits and upping your exercise. The photo of this year's group in summer: at the start of a half marathon and most of them are as overweight as me or worse. It probably would help me to be in a group but otoh with my all my exhaustion and everything-is-too-much, it might not be wise. I'd probably force myself to join in on this or that despite being in an EF. That doesn't tend to go well. Either I get all controlling and angry or I collapse later and don't manage other important things in my life or I feel like a very small hurt and frightened child.

It's not so much being fat that's bothering me. It's more noticing how my physical condition is going south and noticing that I can hardly keep up with other people on hikes or bike trips (even slow ones). So then I don't join in on these activities and then I go into a downwards spiral of less exercise means body gets weaker and weaker means exercise becomes more of an effort means I give up before I start. Well, I'll still consider the offer for a bit.

[Sceal]

I know the struggles with food all too well, and also the desire to want to plan to excersise enough, yet never getting around to doing it. (despite having plenty of time for it).
I was recommended a book by my GP, and I also saw they are recommending it at the eating disorder centre here. half the book is talking about eating disorder, what it is and what it does. And the second half of the book is a self-help tool you can use. Perhaps this can be something for you to look at?
It's called Overcoming Binge Eating by Christopher Fairburn. I don't think you need to have binge eating disorder to explore this book. I have it, and I've read through it.

[Blueberry]

I might look into the book, Sceal. I'm having enough trouble in T with the topic though. I just don't want to feel into it. I imagine it'll be similar with exercising too.

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I went to church this evening and felt very dopey. Then I realised why: there are memories and realisations coming up. No surprising memories, nothing shocking. More stuff where I think "oh, yeah, that." Emotional abuse. I guess it's taking its toll though.

[Hope67]

 :hug:to you Blueberry - I just popped by to say hello     I hope you get to enjoy that large artist's pad you bought - you've reminded me I would like to do some drawing or some painting.  I hope you are able to get some rest - as I know you are feeing a bit dopey - with all those realisations coming to mind. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Actually the artist's pad is for something like a scrapbook to stick all sorts of bits of paper in that I have lying around the place - newspaper articles of things that interest me or things I've been involved in, photos of me and others, souvenirs,  mementos. Then I'll write things beside them and see what comes of it all. At least it will reduce the pile of who knows what on my floor and table.

[Hope67]

That sounds great, Blueberry - I hope it goes well.   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Hope! I did start it yesterday late and continued into Sunday morning 2am. I am a night owl Pete Walker suggests something similar. I don't remember in which book. I had the idea beforehand actually but was just pleased to see that he's suggesting it too and even does it himself.

I was enjoying working on it yesterday. It brings up pleasant memories of the past couple of years, reminds me of my strengths and interests, or where I took beneficial action for myself. It shows me who my friends are and who they were but no longer are, but still the focus on these were friends so celebrate what was, take the good from then.

Today I didn't get out of bed till past 2pm. Sunday's a day when I can usually allow myself to take a real day of rest. If I lie in bed most of the day so be it. I'm actually going up to the farm tonight where there's an interesting talk. Then I'll stay the night, do some work in the morning and come home to a pretty full rest-of-the-day on Monday at home.

I wasn't just lying around sleeping though this morning. I was positively enjoying my cozy, warm, comfy bed. And I was going through in my mind what I'd like to write a mbr of FOO. I read back in my diary that T was helping point me in the right direction on this in March and April. I know that that looks like a long time but it isn't really. It's quite simply the time I need to heal, the time I need to conceivably write something beneficial going forwards and not blank out completely ["Dear FOO mbr, Blank".] or throw myself under a bus.

I have needed to get to a point where deep within my soul I'm talking about something other than blame. Not blaming myself, not trying to sort out who is to blame in FOO. For people further along in healing than me this will all sound so logical. Or maybe some of you never had blame games going on in FOO. Our FOO did. Back in March/April I would've written to FOO mbr that I'm not 100% to blame. My T said: "so 99.9%?". That's exactly how some FOO mbrs would react and laugh, not realising or caring about the seriousness of the situation. Something is shifting in me atm.

I hope to get another T appointment before Christmas to work on this. January would do too.

[sanmagic7]

personally, i think the blame game sucks, yet i find myself dwelling in it from time to time.  some of it comes from not putting blame/responsibility where it belongs, when i carried it all on my own shoulders.  that's been important to me to make the shift, and allow that i shared responsibility for some stuff, but it wasn't all about me.

actually, i got that insight from someone here.  it was incredibly helpful, and a big relief.

i think what you're doing, bringing back pleasant memories, is pretty cool.

i hope that shift you're feeling is pos. and helpful, blueberry.  love and hugs.

[Sceal]

I agree with San, that the blame game is really awful and bothersome. Yet being able to place the responsibility over on the correct people fully, is quite helpful. i also think this is somehing we'll have to do again and again, until finally it sticks.

[Blueberry]

  I know that that looks like a long time but it isn't really. It's quite simply the time I need to heal, the time I need to conceivably write something beneficial going forwards and not blank out completely ["Dear FOO mbr, Blank".]

Talking about "Blank", I was thinking about how my T thinks that part of my overeating and unhealthy eating is an act of defiance towards FOO. The word he uses in his language reminds me immediately of the 'terrible twos' so I was thinking about how I could talk to a very little Blueberry, a 2-3 year old, and my mind went blank. Not for the first time. It's as if I have absolutely no idea how to even begin to approach the 2-3 year old inner child.

It was good that I decided to look up the English equivalent of the word T is using so I could write it here. "Defiance" is not something where I immediately think of a 2-3 year old. I'm not feeling what age yet, but definitely older. The Blank has gone because there's something concrete I can feel into.

I know logically that being defiant in a way that damages myself is not constructive or beneficial but this knowledge isn't enough to change my eating habits. I need to go deeper. "defiance" sounds safer to me than "terrible twos" so it may be easier to go deeper. I couldn't feel proud of being in the "terrible twos" whereas being "defiant" I could at least say that I feel strong, feel completely grounded in my body, and feel that I could defend myself if need be. Obviously a much safer place to be in than the 2-3 year old I was.

Good that I decided to write about this on here because it made me reconsider the meaning of the word.