Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry, Just popping by to say 'hello' - sending you a hug 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Blueberry]

I didn't remember yesterday until I was in bed that I stuck up for myself yesterday and wasn't ashamed afterwards

It was at the farm, though it wasn't the person I have trouble with who I've mentioned before. It was in fact somebody who comes to clean. I was washing dishes and had the light on above the sink. She came by, talking, and turned it off. I turned it back on, saying I wanted it on. A few minutes later she dropped by again and turned it off, saying "Why do you have that on? There's a window right there with light coming in." I responded with some irritation in my voice that I needed the light to see better by. She half-apologised. I don't think she'll be so quick to order me around any more! And as I say, the second bit of progress besides even giving her a piece of my mind not being ashamed that I showed irritation in my voice.

Some people say you ought to be able to state a limit calmly without showing irritation, but actually there's no reason for shame even if I do show irritation. I was irritated. This woman interfered with my work twice and she is in no way my superior.

[Wattlebird]

 
Good for you, I think it's good you showed your irritation, helped show her that it's none of her business. 

[Deep Blue]

Proud of you! Who says we shouldn't show irritation in our voices?!?

You were right and I'm glad you stuck up for yourself 

[sanmagic7]

i echo wb and db.  well done!   

[Three Roses]

I say if you're irritated, show it. That's just being honest with yourself, and with others. Being irritated isn't wrong! Good for you! 

[Sceal]

  Well done! Great practice and awesome progress!

[Blueberry]

Thank you everybody!  I don't know who says we shouldn't show irritation. Maybe I got that idea somewhere from the over-abundance of irritation (by which I mean verbal abuse) showed in my FOO at the least provocation? You can go overboard with showing irritation.

I have heard of it in therapy too though, probably more in group therapy than with my present T. Though I do know he's shown me a limit before without showing irritation in his voice or anything like that. He simply said that the consequence next time is xy. I think in group therapy it's more that they show you that you can often defuse a situation better by remaining calm and stating a consequence. But if I think about it, there was no good consequence to show at the farm. Saying "great, I'll leave the room and you can finish the dishes" was possibly even what she wanted. It might have been a territorial thing on her part.

Also in group therapy, at least what I've done, you're often aware of what situations in the past make you unable to hold your anger back anymore. If M and one GrM hadn't constantly 'straightened things up' while I was helping in the house or listened at the keyhole to make sure I wasn't doing anything wrong, then I wouldn't act so allergic in this kind of situation. This time it's a step forwards to notice that I'm perfectly in my rights to say/show "Hey! Stop! I have that light on for a reason. It is my right to have it that way."

It's good for me to note that I acted appropriately for the situation. I did show irritation in my voice, but I didn't yell or go berserk and I didn't swear or turn otherwise violent. (I mean unlike people in FOO when I was growing up). The first time I spoke perfectly calmly and gave a reason. She didn't accept my "No" and my explanation so then it was perfectly OK for me to show irritation. I have to work all this stuff out. It sounds a bit lol probably but otoh it's kind of sad that, um, I'm so badly damaged by FOO in this respect that I have to take these tiny steps.

I remember a year or two ago somebody took my place at the table which I'd reserved a) by saying "this is where I'm sitting" and b) by putting my bag there. I came back 2 minutes later and objected to her sitting there. When that didn't work, I repeated more loudly, so the person got up and moved to a vacant chair but complaining about me being loud or aggressive or something. I took the issue to therapy with me and T explained that it had been important to give push-back and to stand my ground. That person wasn't acting appropriately by taking my seat. She has treated me better since - she knows she can't push me around like that and ignore a limit I've audibly stated.

[Blueberry]

Now after those good realisations on moving forward, I feel as if I'm going to be moaning if I explain what's going on internally.

I feel somewhat overwhelmed atm, with thinking what I ought to be doing. I ought to go and visit an older friend in early January for her birthday - 4-5 hour train journey away. I ought to go to choir practice tonight, I ought to want to sing on Christmas Day in the church choir.
I ought to finish my Christmas post and I definitely ought to start cleaning up in my apartment. I would definitely prefer a cleaner and tidier apartment - that would make me feel less depressed but the only way to achieve that is by starting.

Feeling overwhelmed can be an EF and IC reaction - probably several reacting at once if I know me. This feeling overwhelmed is probably a reaction to my thinking I 'have to' do x and y because it's expected, rather than simply allowing myself to feel what I want to do much nearer the time.

Also I notice today and yesterday that I really miss having fur babies. I managed to keep my apartment both tidier and cleaner when I had fur babies than now, though I thought my cleanliness would get better when I didn't have any. I was certainly better at getting out of bed too. And I was less lonely.

A good thing today: I finally got a couple of things sorted at the bank . It wasn't really difficult, but something I've had in mind doing for a number of months, which just shows me again how hard it can be to function the way I think I ought to be able to, as an adult. 

[Laura90]

Your constant awareness of the hurdles that make what other people think as little simple everyday tasks hard for you, but your constant recognising the fabulous steps you take at reversing those default settings from trauma, flashbacks, critic, fear is so inspiring.

You go Blueberry! Rooting for you 

[Wattlebird]

I think your right blueberry, I know it's not always helpful to show irritation, but when someone has ignored your already stated wishes then I think it is ok, they are disrespectful and should have that indicated in some way like the seat you reserved, it's appropriate to give some push back.
I know the should do dilemma and I think it's hard to motivate yourself when your doing everything because others expect it.
Good observations not moaning   

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
This time of year is rife with ought to's - but the fact you have identified them, means you can consider whether you want to or could do - or whatever phrase you feel pertinent to what you'd like to do.  Language is so interesting from the point of view of the expectations that are accompanying certain words and phrases.  I sometimes wonder where they come from - i.e. are they my own expectations or someone elses, and I can never be too sure. 
Anyway, I wanted to send you a supportive hug - and say I've missed you - and that I am sorry to hear that your bike was stolen - I hope it will be found somewhere and that you can be re-united with it. 

Hope 

[Jdog]

To echo others - I, too, congratulate you for taking the stand against the rude woman and for really thinking about those "shoulds" and "ought tos" in life and separating yourself from some of that.

I am picturing you reunited bike!!

[Blueberry]

Thank you everybody for comments and general support 
When I come back here to read, I remember "Hey yes, there was that big progress on the farm on Monday!

I'm not really doing anything I ought to do atm. Mostly when not teaching, I lie in bed dozing and doing crosswords.

I remembered why going away seems overwhelming: it's the packing to go and getting out of the house at the right time to catch my train, whether it's an early train or not. That is very difficult for me. I used to think it was on account of getting the Fur Babies all set up for me to leave them a couple of days or to leave them and my apartment in a fit enough state for somebody to drop by on them. No. Because I have the same problem without Fur Babies.

What I did do yesterday was put up a little ad in a local shop saying I'm happy to look after other people's Fur Babies, though just the type I used to have. Maybe somebody will contact me. There are other places I could be waving my flag including online but for the moment the local shop is a start.

I've had a little more contact from FOO recently, mostly emails with photos of Littles, but also some post. That includes an Xmas card with "Love" written on it. I don't think so. I mean I don't think what they feel towards me is love. Especially SIL2, even though she signed her name, but B2 not either. Not after their treatment of me last time I saw them. So this is what I get when I ask for more contact with my niece and goddaughter, more contact with her parents too. Good to know. I suppose it's inevitable, at least in my family.