Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

[Three Roses]

So this is what I get when I ask for more contact with my niece and goddaughter, more contact with her parents too.

😳

[Blueberry]

I went to a Nativity Play this evening, with some of the farm people. I wouldn't have managed to go on my own. I just wouldn't have got my act together to do so. I intended to be at the farm by 11 am at the latest and didn't actually get there till after 3pm. One of those days. But I did finish my work there.

Being at the Nativity Play made me remember that singing actually does me good so maybe it might be wise to sing with the church choir on Christmas Day. Maybe I could get my act together and do that? Or maybe I'd even like to get my act together to do so?

I made a mistake this morning. I said to myself that I wouldn't go up to the farm before I wrapped up a present for my godson and another for his mother and took them to the post office. Oops. I had forgotten that that kind of plan doesn't work out. Eventually I went to the farm without going via the post office. All the way up to the farm I felt badly about what I'm doing to my godson. I had been feeling like a bad friend to various people atm anyway. Maybe a bit of an EF? Cuz now that I'm back from the farm I feel OK about myself. Not really good, but OK.

Though I think the issue with my godson involves me learning a) to accept myself and my limitations and NOT thinking I'm bad because I don't live up to my expectations or his mother's and b) to say in advance how I want contact to be and if that doesn't fit their plans, then it doesn't. But I still don't go back and rearrange my plans e.g. spend longer at their place to convenience them and then blow a fuse because it's too much.

This is difficult for me. But it's also necessary.

[sanmagic7]

 

i like the way you think, and i'm really glad you remembered about singing.  i think that's great.   love you.

[Blueberry]

Thank you san

I would say I'm a little further out of my EF. I got a few more bits of Christmas post to the post office, including to my godson. I did a little tidying (not that anybody would think that who dropped by) and a little bit of last-minute Christmas shopping including my "tree". Just a branch which I put in a big vase with my decorations on it. Last year, if I remember rightly, there was so much junk on the table I usually put the vase on that I didn't bother with my "tree". This year I made the effort though. I cleared the table a week or so ago. It's just round about that's rather messy.

I've also decided not to go to a party this evening. I did tell my friends a week or so ago I would attend. But now I realise: it's too much. There will be lots of other people there so I don't even need to feel bad about it, as if I'm leaving friends in the lurch or anything.

I finally put a bit more laundry in the washing machine. Then I decided just to set it going even if not quite full. I don't normally, it's an eco thing here. Only wash full loads to save water and electricity. Now there probably are more items for that wash lying in a mess on my bed, but I decided in my state today better not put off washing to look for stuff. Just set the thing in motion.

I started washing the dishes but didn't manage to finish. I put my latest bank statement consisting of 5-6 pages in my binder and had trouble figuring out the correct order of pages. So that (along with laundry and washing dishes) indicates to me that my state isn't too good atm. So time to give myself a 'break' when things don't run to plan.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I hope that you enjoy your evening - I know you have decided not to go to that party - you're giving yourself a 'break' - and I hope that you are able to get some rest and relaxation, and anything else that you need or want.
to you,
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope. I got some more housework done. It was a real effort to manage to hang all my laundry up, but I persevered and got it done.

Before that I cooked myself some pork i'd got from the farm along with apples and onions. I know you'd normally add potatoes or other starch to the mix, but that honestly would have been too much for me. Such is life in my cptsd world. I'll have the potatoes some other time. I do that anyway - just eat potatoes and squash or potatoes and carrots. No wonder I refuse to cook at the farm when I can't even make myself a pretty standard meal. I certainly couldn't for 12-18 people.

Anyway I was thinking that was a bit like my special meal for the season because I won't be home for my main meal on christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

I see reading back in here I thought I managed to circumvent an EF after contact with B2 about my niece. I don't think so now. I think it just didn't turn into a full-blown EF. When the slightest little thing tires me and I can hardly finish hanging up the washing or doing the dishes, then that's the sign of really bad emotional exhaustion. 15-16 years ago it was like this all the time. Now fortunately it just comes sometimes. This time I managed to keep ICr quiet so that probably helped bypass a full-blown EF and possibly helped prevent me from collapsing for a few weeks. I feel though as if I'm on the verge of collapse. So that means: be careful of own needs and avoid acting on 'oughts'.

[Blueberry]

Some body memories of CSA came floating up in church today, of all places. No wonder life has been difficult recently, no wonder I've been hiding away. NTS that's what I do and that's what life feels like just before memories resurface.

Actually it's not so suprising they came up in church because that's where the musical event where I froze a couple of weeks ago took place. I even thought this morning before I went to church that it would be good to go to church to get a good feeling about it again. Not that I'd consciously been aware of any bad feelings since the musical event. Further NTS: try and connect thoughts like "it would be good to go to church to get a good feeling about it again" with actions like doing a round of EFT or even Screen Processing before getting back in said situation. This means being more proactive.

I feel exhausted at the thought of EFT, Screen Processing or being more proactive.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i'm just glad for you that you're recognizing what's going on, it seems more quickly and more clearly.  it sounds to me like you got a lot of chores done, even if you didn't finish some of them.  i'd say it still all counts.  some days that's all i can do is begin something - finishing it just has to wait for another time.

i think you're doing wonderfully.  love and hugs.

[Three Roses]

It's a very triggerish time of year. (I made a new word.   ) I was just thinking this morning how exhausting doing all this work on ourselves can be, just to be able to be around other people without a meltdown. Hugs to you. 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,  I know you've had some body memories of CSA whilst in your Church - and I wanted to send you a safe and gentle hug, if that's ok.   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you, san, 3Roses and Hope for encouragement, hugs, and saying how you see my situation objectively. Merry Christmas btw and all the best for getting through this season. My Christmas celebration starts in 2 hours -  I need to get moving. People celebrate on Christmas Eve here. 

[Deep Blue]

Merry Christmas Blueberry

[Jdog]

Merry Christmas, Blueberry

[Blueberry]

Merry Christmas Deep Blue and jdog!

________________

I've just got in again from my celebration, followed by church and the midnight gathering in the town centre where a horn of types is played and everybody sings Silent Night. The celebration I went to was nice, nice to be in company and everything organised. A friend of mine was there and saved me a seat   I only found out this morning she was going too. I really do appreciate that a group of people get together as volunteers and put the celebration on for people like me who might otherwise be on their own, or irf not on their own maybe feeling a bit like a spare wheel at friends' and their family.

I didn't have any flashbacks in church this time  I enjoyed the music and singing and candles and the quiet peacefulness. There as well as at the midnight gathering, I felt this real feeling of belonging! That means so much to me after a childhood and lots later too of not belonging. As I wandered over from the church to where everybody of all denominations and non-denominations sings Silent Night, I noted how easy it is for me on my own. 'easy' isn't quite the word. I feel fine about being on my own. For years, I suppose my ICr was raging away about how much of a failure and loser I was for being on my own. I know those were B2's words and my parents' tacit agreement even though M and F didn't quite use those words, or at least not that often. I endured so much criticism and mockery from them over the years for simply being on my own that being on my own for years afterwards made me feel very, very self-conscious. I could almost physically feel how the people round me were making fun of me. They probably weren't, but the memory of FOO doing it was almost physically tangible in the air around me. That seems to be gone. There may be times when the feeling comes back, but I don't think with that amount of vengeance any more. It certainly wasn't there tonight. So then I can absorb the peaceful feelings around me, and there certainly were some in the air. I didn't imagine those.

The carol Silent Night was written 200 years ago exactly, they said tonight.

[Jdog]

May the good feelings of peace linger and remind you of the many good things that are happening.