Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

[Blueberry]

warm and cosy

________________
I was having terrible EF last night, fortunately I figured out that that was what it was before too long. All those thoughts: like might as well give up trying to heal, maybe reaching 50 is all I can hope for (hypochondria was going haywire too). I'm not 50 yet but the EF was seeing that as 'not bad' for someone with my extent of cptsd. Like I've tried out all my goals, I may not have reached them but I've tried and there are no plans left. I know that sounds very negative and possibly but I'm writing how it was. Then friends started drifting through my mind and I sort of remembered "oh yeah, friends."

Some time in the past 24 hours I got really angry at having cptsd at all. I haven't yet managed to really turn that against FOO, feel anger towards the whole extended FOO, the whole dysfunctional family system of FOO, but that will come.

[sanmagic7]

i have no doubt you'll get to that stage when you're ready.  in the meantime, i'm glad you were able to recognize your ef for what it was.  do you have any dreams, blueberry?  to me, dreams are different than goals, but maybe that's just me. 

keep taking care of you, sweetie.  love and hugs.

[Blueberry]

Thanks san, especially for mentioning dreams. Yes, I have them. I think the EF was such that it told me my dreams were not attainable. Really this EF was just ICr repeating those caustic, toxic, nasty things FOO used to say combined with the conclusions I drew myself during those times as a Idk 8-19yo which was I might as well give up.   

I'm just touching base here again because at home alone sick in bed is kind of lonely. I used to have Little Furries to look after which would push me into some contact with the outside world e.g. to get them some food, but I don't even have that now. Just emails to a few people saying "can't come", "can't teach" etc  And anyway when I had Little Furries, I wasn't so completely alone because I had them.

As I lie in bed sleeping and dozing, realisations are coming up, none of them particularly pretty. Mostly about FOO and the extent to which I've been damaged by them and continued contact. I did do a spot of thought-stopping though, telling myself that these realisations can come up another time when I'm feeling a bit better

Sometimes I get sick to stop myself haring around and to allow things to come up, although I'm not consciously active in getting sick the way it might sound. Though in this case I reheated some potatoes which were past their best and had them for dinner a few nights ago - physical result: minor food poisoning I suppose. Emotional result: lots of time for ruminating and / or allowing things to come up. Causing minor food poisoning in self is definitely not good self-care.

[Blueberry]

Writing over on the Employment section (about volunteer / payment-in-kind work), I wanted to write the following, except it's bordering on SI, so here:

                                                    *** TW SI !! ***

It's sinking in ever deeper into my consciousness that FOO's behaviour and words when I was a child and teen were what brought me to think about throwing in the towel work-wise or even life-wise.

Here in my Journal I can develop it too: It's not really me and never really was me who wanted to die, it just seemed the logical conclusion (in a household much devoted to logic) in which I felt unwanted most of the time. Sometimes I didn't feel actively unwanted, maybe I even felt wanted? Yes, I think so actually, there were times when my parents were happier and didn't need a scapegoat. That was enough to keep me in the Abusive Cycle, but not to keep me emotionally healthy.

I didn't accuse my parents of not loving me, I accused them of not wanting me, that much I remember. Their reactions weren't too inspiring, they certainly didn't assuage my fears.  In fact they laughed. Which hurts now and hurt then. It also left me struck-dumb then. How was that a laughing matter?? But now I think: they're emotionally so low on the intelligence scale that they didn't know how to react. So they laughed instead of trying to feel. 

Giving up, not living, maybe finding an active way of ending life - these seemed logical conclusions by the time I was about 11yo.  Fortunately I veered off into non-doing / giving up / major depression / sleeping instead of seeking an active way to end my life. It hasn't been a logical conclusion for a long long time either. Might as well 'throw in the towel' is a throw-back to those years from when I was about 9yo till Idk late teens, though there were some breaks in those years too.

In the same way that actively wanting to end my life is not me, it's not mine, it's like FOO-impelled, giving up on things, throwing in the towel doesn't have to be me either. As I write that I have an image of a very small Blueberry, pre-school, who I need to go and attend to.

Thank you for anybody who read and thank you to OOTS for existing. Being able to write it here will have brought the suffering inner Child more swiftly to my consciousness than writing somewhere else or not writing at all.

[Jdog]

Blueberry-

I am here with you, holding little Blueberry's hand and reassuring her.

[Sceal]

It's good, I think, that you have identified it as not yours, but theirs. Or consequences of their actions. But that you, at the core, wants to live. 

[Wattlebird]

I'm sorry that they laughted at you, your right that it's their emotional immaturity causing this reaction, straight away I thought they laughted because they felt it was a ridiculous thing to say and didn't stop to consider you were quite serious. That must have hurt a lot,
Trigger warning si
there's a part of me that always suggests throwing in the towel, even when I know life is good and improving, it's not my intention or desire it's so frustrating just to have it pop up in your head uninvited.
Well done, good observations 

[Blueberry]

Thanks so much everybody for your support. When I re-read this part of my journal and your responses, I realise what a tremendous step this was yesterday. I cuddled my therapy bear whose name is Bear and despite being a bear actually represents a small inner child. The distressed inner child evolved quite quickly into non-distressed. I'm always so amazed how quickly that happens. I dread working with my ICs because I still remember the times I was working on re-parenting for hours and days and weeks and longer. Some of that was fun too swinging for hours, foot-painting with finger paints. But I guess eventually it got overwhelming.

Anyway the internal dread of working with my ICs - I'll try and replace that with the knowledge that once I start, it's over really quickly. It's like Screen Processing - it used to take ages. A 50 minute T session wasn't enough. We'd close it down and let it work away on its own and/or maybe re-open the next T session. Now Screen Processing can be over and done in 5 minutes at home alone, without T. I have up till now still mostly put it off till midnight or 2 AM So maybe I can get over that internal dread now too.

[Blueberry]

Trigger warning si
there's a part of me that always suggests throwing in the towel, even when I know life is good and improving, it's not my intention or desire it's so frustrating just to have it pop up in your head uninvited.

I understand that frustration about the uninvited thought dropping by. I used to be completely freaked out by it in fact. In time I learned to tell the voice that "we have other options now". "We" because in those times my ICs and Inner Teens were so numerous and usually at least one present at any given time. Saying "we have other options now" calmed down the virulence of it. If I remember rightly, it was even one of the ICs or ITs whose voice was suggesting it. Maybe this will help you some way, Wattlebird, if not ignore.

[Blueberry]

I'm getting better from my food poisoning, so that's good, to state the obvious.

Yesterday I was over at OOTF and saw Blueberry and was pretty confused briefly. That's not me over there! Never thought somebody else would come up with my name, but I guess it's not so unique after all. On the plus side, if FOO ever caught up to me on here, they'd be really confused about the Blueberry over there because that Blueberry is pretty different from me.

With Donna M's post on ego states, I got thinking about all that again and remembered: Hey, I can put one part of me in an imaginary place while me the Adult and the rest of us do something healthier! e.g. I could put that super active part that wants to stay awake all night reading, doing crosswords etc into an imaginary space where she can have fun all night while the rest of us sleep. I was so enamoured with my idea that I didn't follow up with it unfortunately           I started wondering about whether I could maybe put the bit that wants to eat in an imaginary food room, but soon realised that no, unfortunately, that's not going to work. But I think I'll try my original idea with the reading/crossword-doing part of me.

I finally found my paper journal which has been AWOL since about the time my bike was stolen. So I was overjoyed to find the journal under an ominous pile of things. Too bad I definitely won't find my bike under a pile in my apartment. On the plus side, there's no pile in my apartment that would actually hide a whole bike.

[Blueberry]

A realisation while I was sick in bed: the reason I have so much trouble 'just sitting' with my feelings, allowing them to be and then evolve and move on (which the feelings did when I was doing this with my T anyway) is that all that reminds me of the way FOO especially B1 used to react about my feelings. He'd say "Ooooooh weeeeeeellllllll".

If I go back in my mind to Horrendous FOO Event, or rather when I'd managed to leave it and was in the city with the airport, it suddenly dawned on me how utterly callous B1 and B2 had been to me during HFE. Looking back from now, from a place of greater healing, the callousness - it's a FOO thing towards me, my parents were callous too through most of my childhood. In fact when I mentioned to enF while leaving Horrendous FOO Event that I was rather sad to be leaving that place (one of my home countries) because that place 'gives me something too', he commented "tough-oh". So somehow 'just sitting with' seems to some part(s) of me to equate to 'ignore' (at best), 'make light of' or 'treat as a joke to hide the callousness'.

No, it's more 'just sitting with' equates to me being ignored, made fun of, or treated with callousness and contempt. So 'just sitting with' means to various parts of me that I'm back in the position of passive victim dealing with FOO's emotional abuse, not allowed to fight back or defend myself. Now that I've figured that out, it'll be easier to practise sitting with my feelings. Because now I know what to tell my ICs and I.Teens, I know what they need to hear to feel safe(r).

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I'm glad that you're feeling better after your food poisoning - that must have been tough to cope with.  I saw what you wrote about there being another Blueberry over in OOTF - that must have been quite disconcerting - I guess it's very possible though.  You expressed some good ideas about the imaginary places for your ego states to go.  I must admit I find terminology confusing, and I don't know what to call my parts/ego states/aspects - I don't know. 
Glad you found your paper journal - and that you felt overjoyed - that is a great feeling.  It's too bad your bike hasn't been found though - I wish you could get that back. 
to you, Blueberry.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

More realisations coming up today while I was lying in bed.

I'm meant to be teaching in a few minutes, realise I don't really have the concentration for it. My student has an exam tomorrow so it's not ideal that I'm in this state, hardly able to sit still, never mind prepare properly.

[Blueberry]

I managed to teach, then I turned down all my students for tomorrow and the rest of the week.

The realisation I had earlier today while dozing was that one part of my eating disorder (and other problems) is: "I don't care". Saying that, thinking that as a child was a form of protection for me. FOO criticised, I replied "I don't care." There was more to my realisation but it seems to have sunk back down again.

A secondary realisation was that lying in bed sleeping and having some realisations is much more important rn than trying to be normal, whether that's teaching or cleaning my apartment. When realisations are coming up, they're coming up whether short-term inconvenient or not.

[Blueberry]

Two days ago was two days ago. Now that no more massive realisations are coming up, it's time to activate myself. I 'discussed' the issue with one of my therapy animals (stuffed toy type) and she was in total agreement

I was reading in my paper journal and exactly a year ago I was telling myself I needed to activate myself then too. I was also suggesting I spent less time here on OOTS. It's not a question of stopping moderating I don't think. Anyway, I'm going to end on that and go and be active. That precludes doing anything else on my computer.