Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

[Blueberry]

The usual - I'm making progress in some respects e.g. employment and doing very little self-care to counterbalance the progress. I imagine the only way round that is to pick up my feet and take the steps towards self-care. Easier said than done though, needless to say. Maybe EFT too?

When not doing things for other people (professional is mostly for others, the part purely for myself I'm not doing), I read useless stuff on the Internet or just go back to bed. Not very beneficial, constructive or mindful. Although I suppose it's a bit mindful that I'm even noticing.

[Blueberry]

One reason behind the self-sabotage: I feel so ashamed and well stupid that I don't even want to write it down. It's something most people go through at some point in their lives. Feeling ashamed of even writing it down - well, that's brought on by cptsd. Better out than in. Out would help me remove the shame from myself.

I have the possibility of a paid job at the second farm in August. Since then I've been asked by the partner of an acquaintance if I think I could help out in her shop starting in June. Now I feel in a quandary. I feel guilty for 'leading the farm up the garden path' about the job in August. I think I'm being deceptive. I'm not though. Perfectly normal and perfectly legit to be looking at the possibility of 2 different jobs. I haven't even tried out the second job possibility yet! It could be I'll notice it's too difficult or that as of June it's too much work round teaching etc. Nor have the farm people committed to anything yet. They just said they were happy with the way I was while learning on the job.

At this decision-making time and just in general for the sake of myself, it would be good if I were treating myself as well as possible instead of 'giving up and going back to bed'. After getting this stuff down on paper, I could just leave as is for a while or I could delve deeper and do some Screen Processing. Yikes. No thanks. Doesn't ahve to be today.

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, just wanted to send you a hug. Be kind to yourself as you process the decisions before you.

[Blueberry]

Thank you notalone I'm not so good at being kind to myself atm, but the suggestion from somebody else could help a bit.

[Blueberry]

i'm so exhausted! Just done 1 1/4 hours of proofreading of a student's translation of her own letter of motivation etc. It was actually very well done by her, but there were still the odd bits. My brain is now out for the count, if that's the phrase I'm looking for. The student was here in my office so I couldn't divide the work up into half hours or anything.

It just shows me how important it is for me to do non-intellectual work as well.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I hope you are having some chance to relax a bit, after all the work you've been doing - I know you said you felt exhausted, so sending you a hug  - hope you get chance to do some non-intellectual work as well.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope! I had a long nap

Non-intellectual work includes my farm work - it's not that you don't have to think a bit because you do, but it's not this high concentration on words and their exact meaning which was so prevalent in FOO when I was growing up and for which I was often ridiculed and belittled as somehow not being quite correct. There was always some aspect of either the wording or my intellectual capacity which could have been improved upon. I noted today how prevalent that was in my thoughts.

As mentioned on somebody else's thread, it gets worse with time. Some things get better, yes, but some things get worse. I'd say my exhaustion at this intellectual work is getting worse. It's useful to note.

I could do some non-intellectual work e.g. wash the dishes but atm I'm simply not. There is also a backlog of admin work in my business. I told a client I'd send her a bill today. Have I written it? No. Feel too exhausted. Always kind of a bad sign when I start neglecting that side of the business. Oh well, I've been through these episodes before and survived.

A good thing: in April sometime I'm getting some more Little Furries to look after for somebody who has to go into hospital and then rehab. I could have the Little Furries for any time between 4 and 10 weeks

[Blueberry]

Over on the Depression board, there's an old thread called "not motivated". The first post reminds me of myself atm. I got out of bed only because I decided to phone my GP and say I couldn't make it. I knew that the appointment would actually do me good but I couldn't face even getting dressed never mind leaving the house.

I'm now half-dressed (jeans on, nightgown tucked into them, long winter coat on top of all that) but I wouldn't really feel emotionally safe going all the way over to my doc's like this. Brief errand in town: possible. Leave my apartment and go to another area of the house, check my letter boxes even - yes, done already.

The other thing that helped me get up was giving myself permission to write to a client and apologise for not having written up her contract yet and that it's due to a short phase of severe depression in which I can teach but little else. So that takes the pressure off.

I did read a bit about EFs last night but I didn't really want to delve into exactly what's going on rn.

[Blueberry]

Thanks to Pete and his book "From Surviving to Thriving", I realised I was in an EF, so after reading for a bit in there, I got back on my feet, went for a little walk in the sun and posted some letters, took my meds, made myself some tea and drank it, taught one student and listened to and sang with a CD while I washed the dishes. Though not in that order.

Also made a couple of very short-term decisions based on what I feel now, though I have yet to notify the people concerned, a bit of a hurdle there.

I realise how much my ICr. still goes on the rampage. A combination of being somewhat triggered with my intellectual work on Monday and my feeling that it wasn't perfect, though the client was happy and of managing well in the farm shop last week and all that that entails, e.g. memories of that not being allowed by FOO. People weren't meant to tell me I did something well.  for that! Pete writes it's really important to mobilise anger against those who made our childhoods a misery as well as people who continue the abuse these days. Quite a lot going on in my head atm but when I try to put it into words or write it down, it disappears.

[Three Roses]

Quite a lot going on in my head atm but when I try to put it into words or write it down, it disappears.

This! This is what is plaguing me. I'm starting to wonder if it's one of my ICs who are maybe not verbal yet, i.e. trauma that occurred at a pre-verbal age.

[Blueberry]

It could be a pre-verbal thing. I think atm in my case though it's due to realisation pile-up. So before I overload my emotions or my mind, something goes on strike before I can get any of it down on paper or on here. Maybe a pre-verbal part of me needs protection?

[Wattlebird]

How annoying I get the same thing going to therapy, suddenly forget the things that I want to say, my t said it may be pre verbal as well

[Blueberry]

That's interesting - both of your insights (or T's insights) into preverbal stuff. I'd never really thought about it like that. At least, i don't think so.

[sanmagic7]

best to you, blueberry, on figuring this out.  pre-verbal stuff is fascinating to me, even tho it presents problems toward getting at it.  love and hugs.

[Blueberry]

Thanks san 

______________________________________

Yesterday I was reading a book on zero waste, which wasn't all about plastic bags etc. No, also about wasting time versus using it for the people and activities which really matter to you. So it hit me afterwards once again - why on earth would I spend my time and energy in a FOO like mine when I feel so bad with them and afterwards??

Today I was doing some tidying and cleaning and then suddenly felt exhausted. Idk exactly what's going on. There are some things I feel I should be doing e.g. finally write a teaching contract for a particular student and also write an invoice for another client for her tax reasons. That's the one where I got so exhausted I told her I couldn't write her invoice on the spot. Ah yes, but should is never good for me. No wonder it's not working.

It's Carnival, a huge celebration in my town from tonight till Tuesday night. Like at Christmas and other major celebrations it's good to have things planned in advance. I have noticed that if I go away to a part of the country (or even just to the farm) where it's not celebrated I feel as if I'm missing something, so I do stay in my town. Monday and Tuesday evening I'm helping indoors at an event, serving drinks and cake. Groups in costumes and masks come through playing music. Once I'm actually there I will enjoy it. When I'm helping somewhere, I feel part of the group, part of the celebration. That's important to me. Feeling left out was a huge painful part of my childhood. Also you can spend lots of money at this time of year but when I'm helping out somewhere, then I don't because food, drink and the entertainment is free for helpers.

I'm still thinking about the trial work I did on the other farm and the things that has set in motion so it's not surprising I'm feeling a little tired again.