Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

[Hope67]

I am getting a bit better at forgiving myself.

This is a big thing.       to you Blueberry, if that's ok. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope,  to you too. You're right, it is a big thing, especially for me and the way I grew up.

Jdog, I've come back out of my EF

You're right, cycling is rather strenuous. I had just a few months of a lot less cycling than usual and I noticed the difference. I want to do more again and that's a good sign.

[Jdog]

 

[Blueberry]

I got really triggered in a particular situation a few hours ago. Now that I've been reading around on here for a good while (including old posts of my own) and have answered a few posts and pms, I'm feeling less triggered. Though having said that, it occurs to me that what was triggered hasn't been processed in any way, it has probably just slipped out of sight briefly to then come hurtling back up again at some other point catapulting me into some non-helpful behaviour like overeating.

Anyway I want to write about the situation. I was at the monthly meeting of a group I go to and there was a situation where I felt very triggered about information being withheld from some people, e.g. me. So it was a power thing because one of the two people with the information holds no position or capacity which allows him this information. The other guy with the information has access to different information which only one other person has access to and I'm not that person. However having access to this different information wouldn't automatically give him access to the other information (that I wanted access to). So this power thing for no good reason I could see was triggering. Then these two and others started telling me that the information itself in the form it is presently in is totally irrelevant and useless, the important thing is what we as a club do with the information, how we present it to the public. It turned out that two of the people arguing this hadn't even seen the information yet themselves but presumed to tell me a) that it wasn't in any kind of useful, comprehensible form and b) it wouldn't provide me personally with any useful information. I don't really know if they were playing some sort of Devil's Advocate - just arguing for the sake of it or trying to wind me up or what. Two other women there took my part a bit. One didn't want the information personally, the other did, but both commented: 'Blueberry is just as much an active member in the group here as you guys, why can't she see this information??' There was no real answer to that, they just went off on some tangent, several people talking at once. And when the two who hadn't even seen the information themselves pointed this out to me, I was just dumbfounded. They said it like "We haven't seen it yet either, so why are you making a fuss?" I didn't have the opportunity to ask "How on earth do you know whether or not the information is useless in its present form if you haven't even seen it yet yourselves??" The way they had been arguing, I assumed they'd seen it.

What I did ask at some point was "Why are you guys making such a song and a dance about it? Why can't you just let me see the information or tell me that you'll email it to me in the next couple of days?"

Eventually one of them with the information printed out handed it to me resignedly. OK, I understand some of the triggering now. enF also acquiesced resignedly sometimes - "yeah OK, not that you deserve it or anything, but OK, yeah just to make you shut up, you can have what you're asking for." Even though my brother was simply handed information or in another case, enF permitted me to leave the dining room to eat, in that fake resigned kind of way. On those occasions when I took my plate and left the room it was in order to get away from verbal and/or emotional abuse at the table. I didn't deserve to escape that??  No wonder I was triggered this evening. It's obvious that FOO didn't think I had a right to escape abuse otherwise enF would have stopped the abuse coming from B1 and M would have stopped her own abuse.

What I don't get is: they're not normally like this. Did I do something this evening that set them off? I don't think I can discuss it with them though. I don't want to ask. I don't really want to know, or at least probably not in the way they might tell me. They might come up with a whole litany of complaints about me and not realise that that could be severely triggering.

Interestingly enough, this evening it was almost a male versus female argument. The only people actively supporting me were other women. There was one other woman there who didn't support me. She eventually said she hadn't seen it either, using tone of voice etc to indicate that I should shut up and let them get on with other things. The 2 people with access were men, the 2 people who claimed the information is irrelevant in its present form having not seen it themselves were men. And later after it was all semi-settled, 3 of them even made some joke about women not having rights or something. I can't remember exactly. It was just some stupid joke. If you'd asked me before today, I would have said no way would any of them espouse such ideas, these are liberal-thinking men. The wives of two of them were present - they were the two who supported me. Now I don't know.

Jokes. Being flippant. Another triggering moment. enF liked to make jokes as a response to serious requests / comments / explanations from me. About 4 or 5 years ago, a T pointed out to me that making jokes in response to me was abusive. It was a way for enF to keep me under his thumb, to invalidate me and to reduce my willingness for self-expression and for defending myself. 

[Not Alone]

I can see where those interactions were triggering. Sending you care and tenderness.  Proud of you for standing up for yourself.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Having information withheld without reasonable justification sounds very triggering to me, and I think you did well to stand up for your wish to have the information shared.  I'm glad that some of the women supported you.  I also admire that you've been able to process this and think about your FOO dynamics and how there are parallels or similarities there.  What your T said about jokes being abusive is very powerful too.  I don't really know if my reply to you is making any sense, but I wanted to say that I admire how you dealt with this situation, and I would also like to send you a supportive hug -  if that's ok.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hello everybody,

There are a few posts on the forum I want to respond to but I'm just too busy and have been the past few days to manage. Me too busy    Changed days!   I'll be back on tomorrow. 

[Three Roses]

 

[Blueberry]

Me too busy    Changed days!   

The real progress here is: "too busy", not "too exhausted". I'm learning to say 'no' and learning what my priorities are before I'm too exhausted to continue. Learning to do what's important to me in the 'here and now' and not answer posts here or support friends by phone or whatever else. Making decisions for me!
____________________________
Today somebody in the building dumped a couple of bags in front of my basement door. Without agonising or any kind of anxiety, I picked them up and put them elsewhere in the basement - nowhere where they're directly impeding anybody else. The real progress is the lack of anxiety. Also I came back home this afternoon to discover somebody dumped their jacket on my office chairs, even though this space is marked as my Waiting Area, with requests not to dump stuff on my 2 chairs. I used to always have a certain amount of anxiety, bad conscience about moving stuff off my chairs. Well today, I moved the jacket and instead of leaving it in the general vicinity of my chairs I unceremoniously dumped it in some general space in the building. Visible for the owner but totally separate from my office space.

It's only now where I notice the huge reduction in anxiety that I realise how much anxiety I used to feel. That's why I used to write such huge long posts about the topic.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
for the fact you moved the things that had been dumped on your space.  Also, you mentioned making decisions for yourself - that sounds really good. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

I'm still sick but want to write a couple of things anyway.

First, I'm taking better care of myself than in the last few years (when sick): I'm taking my low-thyroid medication and making myself plenty of hot drinks during the day. This used to be something a former friend would remind me to do, but now I'm doing it without reminding. Yeah, I have a Very Bad Cold including with fever and chills in the first couple of days but I don't seem to have gone into a 'might as well give up' EF on account of it. 

In the first day and night of fever and chills I seemed to be processing more CSA stuff.

*** TW***


One way I have had since I was a child was to have imaginary invisible beings punishing my perpetrators. This went a step further during my fever and I'm seeing it as progress. Oh, look, I wrote perpetrators because in this feverish state there were two instead of one. The second being enF, who allowed CSA and a lot more to happen. So a different kind of step forward in addition to the type of punishment. I'm writing this chiefly for myself, it might not make a lot of sense for others.

*** End TW ***

Enough, back to    I won't be reading or commenting on others' posts till I'm feeling quite a bit better.

[Three Roses]

Hugs to you, BB. I hope you are feeling better soon. 💜

[Blueberry]

Thanks 3R!
____________

Tbh I'm feeling a little lonely rn though earlier on I was thinking how good it is that I no longer have contact with all those needy 'friends', who I've since got rid of.

I need to be careful. There is a friend I was talking to on Monday just before I got sick. She talks and talks. I know I need to set a limit of some sort when she's speaking because I could feel myself getting impatient and frustrated and antsy, just as I used to with former friend B. Setting a limit is 'rude' - is what I was brought up to believe. Though heaven knows, better a calm verbal limit than how M and Brother1 set their limits in the past.

I noticed here on the forum there have been a number of posts about friends recently. I haven't read them but it's a topic for me too. It's good  that I'm far enough along in my healing to no longer be listening to ICr ranting on about losing friends obviously means you're a loser. FOO wasn't too good on compassion when I was growing up, still isn't. Not that I'm losing my friends, I'm pointing them towards the exit door myself or just not re-contacting.

[Jdog]

You are certainly not a loser, Blueberry.  Giving up friends does certainly count as a loss, and creates a hole regardless of the reason they are no longer part of your circle. 

You deserve kind and compassionate friends.  Keep finding them.

[Blueberry]

Thanks Jdog  You're right - there's a hole where friends used to be. Just a fact. But in time something good can take its place in that hole.