Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

[Blueberry]

** TW Nightmare **




Just before I got sick, I dreamt I was in a building with huge, transparent pipes running through it. The pipes were full of water and there were people in the water, all with underwater breathing equipment, and they were scrubbing the insides of the pipes. I stepped too far forwards and was told I'd be put in the pipes as punishment.  Here's the good bit: I didn't take that lying down! I got a lawyer immediately and managed to avoid being put in the pipes. It wasn't easy because as soon as I tried to escape, the place turned into some sort of maze, so that I constantly opened a door into the room where the woman was who was trying to take me prisoner but her back was always towards me so I could nip out in time. Eventually I managed to leave the maze altogether.

** End TW **

The really good thing though was standing up for myself to begin with by grabbing a lawyer and thinking to myself: no way am I going in those pipes, even with breathing equipment. Stepping "too far forwards" was one of those arbitrary things. There were no posted rules about it, no way to know. Like in my childhood when I was punished and didn't even know why.

This nightmare was also connected to the time I was on a closed ward. Everything seemed unreal and arbitrary and I had dreams of trying to get out and the door always being closed in my face. So maybe processing that a bit too.

[Not Alone]

Sounds like a scary dream, yet at the same time, great that you fought back.

[Blueberry]

I'm much better again from my very bad cold. No feverish chills etc or pain anymore, just the normal cold symptoms like stuffy nose. As I've been getting better in that respect, I've noticed depressive symptoms creeping in again. When I was still feverish, I was doing far better at taking my meds and drinking hot drinks on and off all day. Also I didn't have a sense of 'can't be bothered' but that is creeping back in now.

An hour or so ago I decided to act as if I wasn't feeling 'can't be bothered'. Tomorrow Little Furries are coming to stay and I needed to set up their living quarters. I did so though my energy was seeping away before hand. Now that I've done it, my energy seems to have stopped seeping away and I feel better because I don't have this 'should' hanging over my head.

There was another 'should' hanging around today, an ICr 'should'. It was saying that since I was able to do a little cleaning and tidying, I would obviously be able to work again on Tuesday. But the idea of teaching et al. on Tuesday makes me feel constricted and panicky and tired etc so I've decided to see how I do tomorrow accepting the Little Furries. Due to my pension, I don't need sick notices from the doc so I decide for myself when I start working again and how much per day.

That ICr 'should', it's right out of my childhood. One of my M's 1 + 2 = 5, except for me not so easy to spot the fallacy as with the numerical one. But I am getting better at spotting and then not acting according to her rules.

[Blueberry]

My T tells me to watch how I react physically. I've just commented on the blog article and noticed my physical reactions as fear, in my gut. For me writing in a new place, in the open is hard. Deep down, there's still this expectation that what I write has to be perfect, more than perfect in fact. I can see M so that was one of her messages, though I don't think just hers. No, it was F's too. He just dealt with it differently. He mocked me instead of going on an angry tirade.

Atm I seem more to be frightened of the angry tirade. I'm breathing and reminding myself that I'm safe now. FOO will never read what I wrote on the blog. Oh, OK, I understand, I need to work on a situation from the long ago past, calm and console my 6 year old self. Off to do some Screen Processing. (No wonder I was having a bit of trouble writing on the blog, no wonder I got hit with brain fog.)

[Deep Blue]

I agree with you Blueberry. I feel like fear is in my gut too.  My T has been saying the same thing too.  That I'm supposed to see where I feel my emotions physically. I think my emotions are mostly fear related though?

How are you feeling? Still sick or doin a little better?

[Blueberry]

I'm doing better, but not yet good, thanks for asking. I decided e.g. not to teach tomorrow. Too early.

[Deep Blue]

Good for you, take care of yourself first

[Blueberry]

Yep, take care of me and my Little Furries. One of whom had an accident the day before he came so now needs eyedrops. He is not too pleased. But he is fairly tame and very sweet. Same with his same-age friend. The baby of the bunch is rather nervous and keeps out of my way, but that will change.

I'm struggling more than I was when really ill to take my own meds and drink enough and so on. Weird.

The owners of the building have put scaffolding up at the front. I knew that was coming, though it was meant to be tomorrow. Still, it feels encroaching. Fortunately, most of my space is at the back of the building.

Calming and consoling my 6 year old self (a couple of days ago) mostly involved explaining some things about M. Done internally so not repeating here. I then went on to do Screen Processing. For I think the first time ever my younger brother turned up. Worse - before I even had the Screen up in my imagination. He climbed voluntarily back into the Screen only when I made a magic wall of fire between us. Being magic, it stays in place and doesn't spread or harm me or anything. I'm still imagining the wall of fire and some things are still processing because of it, e.g. something to do with my goddaughter, who is my brother's daughter.

Lightbulb! Could be I'm struggling a bit with meds and drinking because of the Screen Processing, rather than having been ill.

[Blueberry]

OK, I know it's my ICr. having a field day... I finally dared to ask a question on my professional association's website and now feel as if I have egg on my face. I should have known, I should not have needed to ask   But I did need to ask. Only now that I have the answer does it all make sense. Sometimes when others respond, they're snarky about the questioner asking others to do the research for them. I did research but didn't come up with the information I needed. I guess I researched in the wrong places. And then couldn't see the wood for the trees.

The reason I'm writing on here is that I did a tiny spot of SI and also want to eat sweet stuff. So, it would definitely be better to do a round of EFT.

[Not Alone]

Blueberry,
Please be kind to yourself. 

[Blueberry]

I didn't do my EFT. I went to bed and lay and shivered instead. But eventually I got up again and went and had a nice long bath at a friend's whose bath I can use when she is away. I really needed it too since my shower drain is having issues. (One reason I need to contact landlord).

[Not Alone]

I feel for you, laying in bed shivering. It is so hard when the feelings are so big. Glad you were able to take a bath. Sounds like a soothing, nurturing thing to do. 

[Hope67]

I finally dared to ask a question on my professional association's website

Hi Blueberry,

I just wanted to say that I admire you for being brave to ask a question on your professional association's website, and I am thinking back to times when I've seen people ask things, and get answers, and then I've thought - 'Glad they asked that, because now I know the answer too' - I feel sure that your action will have also helped others, but most importantly you got an answer that was helpful to 'you' and which made sense. 


I am sorry to hear you're shivering - is that feverish still - I hope you feel better soon.   I hope that you enjoyed the nice long bath - and wishing you the best for today - sending you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Jdog]

 

[Blueberry]

Thank you all for hugs and comments. I still haven't looked back at my professional association website, though I know another response came. Nor have I done my EFT or got much further on the job I'm meant to be doing. I've allowed myself to get stuck.

Today I was actually doing completely different work - I was working at the polling station. This evening, especially, after the polls closed it was quite strenuous. Counting and sorting and deciding. A first round of decisions on whether ballots were valid or not. I was noticeably slower counting than others which kind of stressed me. I started doing SH eventually, I'm not even sure why. Oh well, I had wanted to try it out and one good thing about the job is that I didn't have to do any kind of formal job application which is always very stressful for me. "Please tell us why you're the best person for the job." Me: Blank.       Actually I mostly don't even get as far as the interview because writing the application has me blanking and/or doing tons of SH so that I give up.