Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

[Blueberry]

Yesterday I finally looked at my prof. association website and nobody had commented with anything snarky or anything like "you're wasting our time". There are sometimes comments like that from a couple of people so my worries weren't just EF-related, but still these worries made the whole situation worse. So I'm just making a note of that for myself. Not for the first time my fear of something has compounded the problem.

I had an appointment at my newish psych doctor's today. It was only my second time there. His opinion is that while things are still 'raw' e.g. my not having got over the realisation that I have a 'family in name only', it would be good if I spent more time with people who know my history. So that means getting my act together and going to my gp, trying to get another appointment with T, going to those retreats more often and not telling myself I shouldn't need any of that any more. Oh, there's that "shouldn't need" in there. I know that "shouldn't need" well, unfortunately. It's not helpful. It's probably my ICr. in fact.

Once again I feel with the number of things I need to do in the next few days and weeks. The psych doc said waiting till August to go on the next possible retreat will go by quickly - 2 months is all. Well it doesn't seem that way with the number of things I 'have to' do in that time. Anyway, I think he's wrong. 2 months in a low-level EF can seem interminable. It won't be that way though because I'm likely to come back out of my EF long before August.

[Jdog]

Glad you are seeing more of a light at the end of the EF tunnel.  We do tend to lose perspective and get sucked into the "right now=always and for all time" thinking, don't we?  You know how to break larger issues into more manageable bits, and I am sure you will put those skills into play as soon as you can.

[Blueberry]

Thanks for the gentle reminder that I have the tools for this and will use them when the time is right.

I feel exhausted. I haven't really got over my cold yet. Most things are a big effort atm. I am allowing myself a lot of downtime however.

[Jdog]

Yes, I agree that having a cold really sucks.  Mine is a little better but I actually had a very difficult night, partly due to my cold.

I'm sending you some warm soup and an extra box of tissues...

[Blueberry]

Thanks Jdog    Maybe you need both more than I do. I think I'm in more of an EF that's giving me a few physical problems and general weakness too. Plus my immune system is probably not up to scratch atm and my lifestyle of the past few weeks is not helping there, not in the least.

I feel hugely demotivated atm. There are things to be done but I'm not doing much of them. I'm finding it exceedingly difficult to follow through with the most mundane tasks atm. I've had these phases before, I will come out again. Atm it feels as if I don't really want to come out of it yet.

I admit I feel lonely. No FOO to speak of and I find friends and acquaintances in general strenuous and annoying atm. I just don't have the space and the emotional energy for others and their problems rn. I don't really mean so much on here as people I bump into in daily life. Though on here I'm also reminding myself that I don't have to respond to a whole slew of posts just because I'm Mod. Also expending energy putting down the ICr. blaming me for being lonely since I'm so 'difficult'. If I weren't so 'difficult' I wouldn't have issues with friends or need to push FOO away.

otoh I could spend more time observing the Little Furries I'm looking after atm. That brings me out of my funk a bit and they enjoy my presence too. Originally I had intended to take them into the garden but even that felt too much.

I know these phases, nothing new really. At some point I'll decide I've had enough and want to get on with living life again instead of stuck in depression, observing other people's lives.

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, I'm sorry you are going through such a "down" time right now.  It is okay for you to focus on yourself. I hope your Furries and maybe some other things are able to bring you a degree of comfort.

[Jdog]

 

[Blueberry]

EF. It just takes the time it takes to realise what sort of EF brought on by what and what are my feelings really. And what are the next manageable steps. And what should I cancel.

Feelings - I'm sad. There's grieving to do. Or my IC is sad.

Pete Walker talks about waking up in an EF which means flashing back to the feeling you had waking up in a family where you felt abandoned or unsafe or unmotivated pretty regularly. I think I've been in a variant of that for about a week. That is: getting over my very bad cold (which was a valid escape from normal life) and 'waking up' to normal life but not feeling like getting on with it at all. I did a lot of freeze escaping as a child. I slept and I pretended to sleep.

A few days ago I was wondering if things could ever go back to the state of me feeling as if bits of me are sliding in and out, as if part of me is going one way while other parts of me are going another way, a type of dissociation. The answer today is: Yes. I'm not quite at that stage yet but I'm certainly at a stage where it is difficult to do anything methodically: teach, prepare lessons, write homework, sweep the floor, tidy, or even pick greens for the Furries. Nonetheless, I'm going to go out and do the latter quite soon.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I am thinking that you might be out gathering greens for your Furries now - so I hope that's going ok.  I wanted to say that I really relate to what you said here - all of it.  I also did a lot of freeze escaping as a child - so it was helpful to see you phrase it as that, as I'm not sure I could have necessarily linked it in that way.  I also particularly related to the fact that you said "I'm certainly at a stage where it is difficult to do anything methodically" - and you talked about different parts going in different directions - I relate to that so much. 

to you, if that's ok.  I feel like I want to copy the bit you wrote to my Journal, as I want to remember it - is that something that is ok?  I don't want to do it if it's not appropriate, but I don't want to forget it - it was meaningful to me. 


Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hello Hope,

are great rn.  Here are some for you

It sounds as if my post is useful for you. I feel happy about that. I post so much on here that I'm glad when something I say helps somebody else too. You're welcome to copy whatever part you like to your Journal.
_________________________

I need to write 2 contracts. I'm not able to write either atm. Pete Walker wrote about something being too much in childhood (maybe it was toxic shame?) and then children not being able to express themselves. That's one of my problems. Whether expressing myself through body language, doing something creative, speaking or even just writing. Here on OOTS I can write a lot but it's not the same elsewhere.

Today I spent a lot of time outside in the garden which meant I was surrounded by greenery and fresh air. I took my Furries down with me and picked greens for them for later tonight and tomorrow. I did various gardening jobs including cutting grass and sowing wild flower seeds both of which need a certain degree of methodical work. I also took lots of breaks and gazed at the Furries and/or did crossword puzzles and the like. Obviously I managed to stay out of bed for the duration. I feel better grounded and less likely to start drifting apart.

I got an email from my T that he can give me an appointment on Wednesday. I partially feel ashamed at needing T again. But that shame is an ICr.

[Not Alone]

Today I spent a lot of time outside in the garden which meant I was surrounded by greenery and fresh air. I took my Furries down with me and picked greens for them for later tonight and tomorrow. I did various gardening jobs including cutting grass and sowing wild flower seeds both of which need a certain degree of methodical work. I also took lots of breaks and gazed at the Furries and/or did crossword puzzles and the like. Obviously I managed to stay out of bed for the duration. I feel better grounded and less likely to start drifting apart.

I got an email from my T that he can give me an appointment on Wednesday. I partially feel ashamed at needing T again. But that shame is an ICr.

Glad you were able to be outside for awhile and do things that helped you to be more grounded.
It is completely okay that you need an appointment with your therapist. I don't think that you would feel or state something negative toward anyone on OOTS for needed therapy. As much as possible, give yourself the same kindness that you extend to others. 

[Blueberry]

Thanks for that reminder, notalone.            You're right, I wouldn't think, feel or say anything negative about somebody else needing to see their T.

[Blueberry]

I think I've been behaving like a narc towards my neighbour. No cries of "No way Blueberry, that's not possible!" because none of you know me in the real, 3-dimensionally. I was brought up in a fighting family (mostly verbally fighting), so it's no surprise I turn to that sometimes.

My neighbour's mother told me yesterday that I should stop attacking her daughter and that envy is my problem. Instead of maybe just leaving the scene of the dispute, I continued in the way I know from FOO: poking holes in the other person's argument and other stuff like that I'm ashamed of.  e.g. bringing stuff up from the far distant past - which is what you are really not meant to do in disputes.

Atm I feel anything but peaceful in fact it's like war raging in my veins. probably I need to do some venting, maybe about B2? Or FOO in general? But I run away from that. At least I don't feel so EF-y now as I did yesterday. I should not be dumping vitriol on my neighbour instead of on FOO however.

I was reading a lot of Pete Walker in the night. I couldn't sleep and had a bad headache too. Reading isn't enough though. I need to 'do'.

[Three Roses]

This is exactly what I do when I'm badly triggered. It's so easy for me to go ballistic. The one thing I've learned that helps has been to lengthen the time between my reaction and my outward response. For some reason, hearing it like that gave me a light bulb moment.

The upside of this is now I'm an expert at the apology.

[Blueberry]

Still doing a lot of reading, but at least I got up this morning, pretty early too, and I wrote one of my Recommended/Could lists for today. That helped me remember how I have not been doing things that keep me stable so it's no wonder I got so destabilised. So things are back on the Highly Recommended part of the list: speak to 1 non-work-related person; be outside in the fresh air; take my meds; eat something. And on Could: clean at least one little spot and tidy one as well - emphasis on 'little'; and various other stuff.

I also finally started writing in my Paper Journal again. I feel the wherewithall to work again today which is good because 2 clients are coming and I have to do some written work, like write a bill and a contract.

I've been thinking more on my interactions with my neighbour and her mother. 3Roses mentioned up above how she's turned into an expert at apology. I used to be that way too but I note my reluctance now, not just about my neighbour but in general. I know I'm treading a fine line here, but I just have too many memories of me apologising and the other person either turning around and agreeing with me wholeheartedly along the lines of "Yes your behaviour was really bad" and/or themselves not taking any responsibility for their part. I don't have enough stable ground underfoot to be dealing with that atm. My neighbour and her mother apparently see nothing whatsoever bad in their actions but there is some bad and always has been.

Of course when I sit down and think about it, I remember the 3 Cs: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it - my neigbours' problems that is. I can only learn to control and cure my own.

My neighbour's mother told me my problem is envy and that if I don't lay that aside I will never get better. In retrospect, this will have been triggering. I heard quite enough of that junk growing up. There may be some truth to it, otoh it's often much easier to sort out someone else's problems than your own. I could give my neighbour a few answers to her problems too, but I don't.

I was thinking on envy. What is envy? I'm envious of one SIL too. So what's behind that? Pain, and some anger. Pain that for my parents and the rest of FOO daughter-in-law / sister-in-law is more important than daughter / sister. A little anger at that too, but probably not nearly enough venting or grieving done on it. What's the envy about my neighbour? I don't know. I have resentment though and that's maybe what her M is picking up on. I've heard that resentment is a mixture of pain and anger. It's wasted anger though because she doesn't budge much and she certainly doesn't apologise.