Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

Started by Blueberry, August 25, 2018, 03:20:30 AM

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Blueberry

Therapy was absolutely brilliant today. So many revelations! Forget what I wrote up above. My T says my actions were wonderful. I will explain more tomorrow. It's too late for me now. I haven't even eaten yet and it's almost midnight. So self-care first, forum tomorrow.  ;D

Blueberry

I know what I want to say but I can't write it :Idunno: It will come though. Just need to give it a little time.

Three Roses

(Just to clarify - I only apologize if I've done something wrong. Sticking up for myself, defending my rights, speaking my mind - none of these things is wrong. But the way I've gone about them is sometimes over the line. I can apologize for the way I've acted without apologizing for the need for it.)

Blueberry

Yes, that's the way I understood it. I have trouble figuring out whether I've actually done something wrong. Thanks FOO. Not. Sticking up for myself, defending my rights, speaking my mind, saying "No!" still feel like taboo, especially the way I do them.

One of the revelations I haven't managed to write about yet is that my T explained that what I said recently to my neighbour was not wrong, aggressive, a put-down, out-of-order or anything else like that. I was not at fault for 'fanning the flames', as I'd thought. This neighbour told me she gets on with everybody in the building, just not with me, and everybody else complains about me as well. A few minutes later I retorted that a few people in the building complain about her too.  I was feeling bad about that. In T's opinion I was defending myself. I was refusing to accept this criticism of me, which is probably not even true. Back to Sender. That was sort of my opinion as well, but I didn't dare really hold that opinion. Doesn't fit with what I've heard about Nonviolent Communication.  I explained to T how I've been told in the past (partially by Ts), that I need to learn to de-escalate and not escalate. This T, who knows me very, very well now, sat there shaking his head, even after I'd explained a situation with my neighbour in detail, and then I added that 'it got even worse' because I added this other comment too. I was really trying to show my T that my behaviour had been inappropriate and he vehemently disagreed.

I think I'm aggressive and have anger issues because that's what FOO always told me. It was one of their excuses for not listening to me, one of many excuses. M and B1 are the ones with the real anger issues, but those were and still are acceptable because ?? ??. The usual dysfunctional family reasons. Me being Chief Scapegoat, no anger allowed. (Or in fact any feelings.)

It is true that I'm starting to argue back when I feel unjustly treated. My T says  :applause: :applause: :applause: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: In the past there were many situations, including with this neighbour and her mother, where I was just floored at some comment or excuse of theirs and I went straight into Freeze mode and couldn't say a thing. T has taught me to be aware of my posture in different situations and reminds me of that in therapy. He'll show me with body language the difference too. Somewhat exaggerated, but the posture he mirrors to me is somebody making themselves very small, ducking down, looking up in fear, shoulders hunched. It is not somebody leaping up, blowing a fuse, committing acts of violence on the furnishings, yelling and screaming. 

There were more revelations but that's enough for today.

Not Alone

 :applause: Your big revelations!  :cheer: Blueberry, glad you experienced giant steps forward. That is wonderful.

Blueberry

Thank you notalone  :)

_____________________________________

I've just been angry at someone and feels as if I blew a fuse and I feel a bit embarrassed, not superbly so, but a little. Undoubtedly I was triggered. That tends to happen when I feel as if the other person is 'worrying' at me like a dog with a bone and just won't let go. I get so badly triggered, I don't even remember that I could get up and go to another part of the room.

Although last time I had a really  bad episode like this in inpatient therapy where the T wouldn't leave me alone, despite the fact I was defending myself and saying it was too much, I was much worse triggered than I was in the situation today. So there is improvement.

We'll pretend I come from New Zealand. This person was explaining to me that 'New Zealand' is part of 'Australia' and wouldn't accept my "I'm sorry, but I come from there, and it's quite simply not true." He kept going off with all these examples 'proving' his point and I eventually exploded. Even then he didn't accept it. I'm not even in an English-speaking country, the guy has nothing to do with the countries in my real case or with NZ or Australia.

When I started yelling and making "This is final" gestures some people in the room tried to calm me down, saying "He's just provoking you" but Idk exactly, the old injuries of having to put up and shut up in FOO while they lied, distorted the truth, gaslighted and played Devil's Advocate and plain provoked me just for the fun of it, are too near the surface.

However one woman came over to me and suggested I move places and come and sit with her and a couple of other women, so I accepted that gladly.

Three Roses

#441
This kind of stuff happens to me, too. Sometimes I think I have a "change my mind" sign on my back! Hugs to you  :hug:

Hope67

Quote from: Blueberry on June 12, 2019, 03:28:17 PM


the old injuries of having to put up and shut up in FOO while they lied, distorted the truth, gaslighted and played Devil's Advocate and plain provoked me just for the fun of it, are too near the surface.

However one woman came over to me and suggested I move places and come and sit with her and a couple of other women, so I accepted that gladly.


I relate to having a FOO who act in that way - it is horrible   :pissed:

I am glad that the woman came over and supported you.   :grouphug:

Hope  :)


Blueberry

Thanks for commenting Hope, though I'm sorry that you can relate so well.  :hug:

You're right:  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: It's horrible and for me it's maddening too, but that's part of the EF I guess, based on the only way i could react as a child which was argue back and lose the argument anyway. By definition basically, because it was me arguing.  :blowup: lobbed at FOO.

You're right - it was certainly heartening that this woman came over to lead me across to her part of the room! When I concentrate on that, I am mindful of how many people present were supporting me, mostly without getting involved. So basically rescuing me from the situation that I was not able to leave on my own because too triggered. Or in most cases actually they were just accepting me the way I was, without alluding to the situation afterwards, and without taking the part of the guy who was being provocative.

3Roses, Idk about that sign on my back. I think it's maybe that some people like to put others down, prove others wrong (my FOO goes in for that a lot). Narcs who notice they can certainly try this with us. Like trolls on the forum but irl, maybe? irl some of these people can tell where the chinks in my protective psychological layer are or where that layer doesn't even exist and they make a beeline for it. Anyway thanks for commenting and for your compassion too. :hug:

Blueberry

I can feel today how bone-tired I am: mentally, physically, emotionally. So I realise it's time to put the brakes on a bit and also let some things go. They'll sort themselves, or somebody else can deal with them. Also I'll be cancelling some activities next week which feel more like work than rest, recuperation or fun.

There are a number of things to be done still today, but it's helping me to write this now and acknowledge for myself.

Blueberry

That realisation about letting some things go was only 2 days ago.

Yesterday walking along, I tripped over my own two feet and landed on my nose, literally. I also ratched up one lense of my glasses. Fortunately I hadn't so far got round to going to optometrist for an eye check and ordering new ones and this might now galvanise me into doing so. I remained seated on the ground for a little while instead of getting up. It was my feeling that that was best. In earlier years I might have got up again as quickly as possible, out of embarrassment if nothing else. But no, this tme I listened to my body and my intuition.

I remember now that when I broke a bone a few years ago and was telling my T about the situation and how I reacted, got out of the situation by myself, got home, got help, he said  :cheer: and that I wasn't freezing or panicking any more in the present, that I was able to think and react appropriate to the situation, step-by-step. At least in a situation that doesn't trigger me full into the past.

So this time, a woman who witnessed the event suggested I go and sit on a bench round the corner, since I'd said to her before that that I was just going to sit for a bit (but I meant on the ground). I didn't because I was up again by then. It was kindly meant, but it wasn't what I needed. I decide for myself now and it feels like progress when I say and write that. I feel strong and grounded.

After this nose dive, I thought 'obviously a sign that I need to slow down again in the next little while', totally forgetting I'd thought that the day before apparently, since I wrote it here. Today before reading on here, I was thinking that I actually feel much better this morning, maybe I could do some of my Monday farm work after all if someone collects me from the bus stop and drives me back to it later. Now thinking to myself: be careful! I'm not good at working out when I should be doing how much, when I should be resting, when I'm actually ill or injured.

Blueberry

Quote from: Blueberry on June 05, 2019, 09:49:35 PM
Therapy was absolutely brilliant today. So many revelations! Forget what I wrote up above. My T says my actions were wonderful. I will explain more tomorrow.
Or I will explain even later ;)

So another revelation and huge step forwards last time in T: I was finally able to really believe it and say that I suffered appallingly bad emotional abuse growing up in FOO. I was able to line up my ICs and Inner Teens in a row in my mind and tell them that they were appallingly badly abused emotionally.

When I just write it down like now or in my Paper Journal in therapy session, I don't feel it much. So I have homework to ground myself physically very well beforehand and then say it and then ground myself very well afterwards. I haven't done my homework on this yet, but my T always says I'll do it when the time is right. I've been doing other things since last T session, like using the energy released to catch up on various things, and also to organise a protest yesterday in a subject dear to my heart. Joining in a protest on something important to me and my life often gives me energy. My GP said a long time ago, it is because I'm defending myself and my rights, which makes total sense when I think about it.

The word 'appalling' is important. It didn't occur to me till after T that B1 told me in my early twenties that enF told him in our teens that my treatment of B1 was "appalling". In our teens B1 used PA whenever he found me annoying. Yet my treatment of him was deemed "appalling" ??? ??? :'( I've taken that word back now and am attributing it to the people in FOO with the actual appalling behaviour.


Not Alone

Quote from: Blueberry on June 16, 2019, 08:14:07 AM
So another revelation and huge step forwards last time in T: I was finally able to really believe it and say that I suffered appallingly bad emotional abuse growing up in FOO. I was able to tell line up my ICs and Inner Teens in a row in my mind and tell them that they were appallingly badly abused emotionally.

To be able to say it AND believe it----huge!!!  :cheer: Thanks for sharing that with us.

Blueberry

Thanks for commenting, notalone  :hug:

_____________________________-

I'm really noticing today how cptsd is affecting me and how people round about me quite simply do not understand. I've been asking for help today not with cptsd of course but with getting something done for an association I am in. Replies of the type "I'm sure you'll manage fine" are not helpful. I'm not managing, that's why I'm asking for help!! Anyway at least I realised I'm in an EF and that getting this thing done isn't high on the list of my priorities. It should be done by this evening, so in a few hours, but I just can't anymore.

So, EF, so I went and lay down for quite a few hours and dozed. I have a small physical injury on top of everything and that seems to be throwing me for a loop as well, maybe it even contributed to the EF. Probably even, since it was the result of a minor accident.

Anyway, I checked my emails a few minutes ago and discovered somebody offering help, so that's a relief.

Hope67

Hi Blueberry,
I'm glad that someone has E-mailed you offering some constructive help - that is good to hear.  I am sorry to hear you've got a small physical injury, and I hope that you will not be too affected by it, and that it will heal up soon.   :hug: to you.
Hope  :)