Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

Started by Blueberry, August 25, 2018, 03:20:30 AM

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Jdog

Blueberry-

I am glad that you were offered help with the administrative task as well.  And good for you for asking for help to begin with.  I often find it extremely difficult to ask others to assist me with tasks as it feels like weakness to me at times.  It's important for us to get over ourselves, so to speak.  You've done that!

SharpAndBlunt

Hi Blueberry, the comment like "I'm sure you'll do fine" is so easy to throw out without thinking. I've said things like it myself and regret it after. I do think a lot of people just don't give things a second thought though.

I also think it's good you are able to ask for help in the middle of an ef. That's quite a hurdle for me as well.

Blueberry

Yesterday I dealt with 2 FOO emails. I had bad dreams in the night, maybe not nightmares, but definitely not pleasant. One was about the garden, as usual. Somebody came and dug it all up and moved things around without discussing anything with the other users first.


** TW Physical injury **

Then I remembered that I used to have nightmares where things came out of the blue and injured me physically, so I guess it's progress that in the last few years it's only the garden that has been 'injured' out of the blue.

** End TW **


Then I went travelling with a friend to get away from FOO, but somehow the travelling was difficult too. Met up with FOO anyway, or at least enF and one of my brothers. Well, those were the two I emailed so no big surprise there.

I wrote on Elphanigh's Journal about criticising myself for not getting on with my healing as fast as she is. Now I remember that many therapists and trauma specialists (including Pete Walker) say you can't really heal until you cut contact with your abusers. I tried to keep in some form of normal contact with FOO for far too long. So that will have delayed my healing. I would say that enF and uBPDM, especially enF though, are still pretending to not get it. I imagine that my sibs do get it and are not pretending anything, but occasionally contact me about something semi-straightforward, something 'business-like'.
Maybe I'll go and write a non-sender letter to enF, saying the things it didn't make sense to say in an email because of gaslighting etc.

I also re-read this old post of mine https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=11160.0 just now, very apt to read it rn.

Last time I was at T, my T questioned Adult me being sad at not being able to contact F, because T said in my voice it sounded more like anger directed towards F. I do think part of Adult me is sad that contact with F is not possible, but mostly the sadness and hurt is coming from the ICs, and probably ITeens to some degree as well. Adult me is certainly beginning to tap anger.

Added a little later:
                                NTS: with the amount of stuff going on atm, it's not surprising I'm feeling pretty much under the weather and am having trouble getting on with things.

Three Roses

A gentle, supportive :hug: to you, and a cup of your favorite tea. ❤️🍵

Hope67

Hi Blueberry,
I relate to what you're saying about different parts having different feelings about FOO - I experience that too, and I've been noticing that Adult me can tap into some anger now - which wasn't possible before - and I can see that Adult you is also doing that.  I think that is progress - a release of what is for many people a normal emotion - I'm thinking aloud here but just wanted to say I relate to what you're saying, and I would like to send you a hug of support  :hug: and hope that is ok.
Hope  :)

Blueberry

Thanks 3R and Hope  :hug:

It's actually a public and religious holiday here today. Going to church and singing actually helped me and then in the late afternoon I had an invitation to play board games with a few women I know. That did me good as well, just to get out and go and do something else. I feel a bit detached from what I wrote earlier. I think that's good. It doesn't have to follow me around all the time.

I noticed you've been going through a tough spot too recently, Hope, but also with lots of progress and new ideas.  :hug: of support back to you.

MoonBeam

Hi Blueberry. I wanted to say I'm thinking of you and it is a lot that you've got going on. Glad you got some time out for some board games with friends. And I'm glad you got a reprieve from thinking about the difficult FOO dynamic. I wanted to say your strength and courage with dealing with that has inspired me to start to look at some of my own dynamic with my FOO.

Anyway, I hope you have a peaceful, restful evening.

Blueberry

Thank you MoonBeam for your caring words :)  :hug:

I'm also glad that what I wrote is useful for you too. I know shame is not a healthy reaction, but I do sometimes feel ashamed of writing so much. So then I'm glad that some of it is of use for others.

Blueberry

I have so much stuff piling up needing to be done :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:

I feel as if I'm floundering about with my work, just getting by, only just.

Elphanigh

Sending lots of support, Blueberry. It sounds like there is so much going on  :hug: :hug: for me being at a distance from my Foo is good (I do still have contact with them), but my true abusers have not been in contact with me in like 6 years so it helps. It is not possible in all cases to do that.

I also get the different parts wanting contact or getting angry. I have a younger version of me that wants nothing more than to confess everything to M and be home with my Foo where I could see my niece etc...

I am sending you lots of love and support, also lots of luck with whatever work things are being difficult for you today :bighug:

Blueberry

Thank you so much, Elpha! I can feel the support.

There's part of me too that would most like to say to FOO especially my parents "OK, you win, I'm coming back" and to give up my present stance. But I know nothing will change in FOO so for the sake of my own sanity and general well-being, I go steadily more VLC.

Elphanigh

I am so glad you can feel the support  ;D It is always there when you need it. I am glad you are firm in you LC with you Foo, it sounds much healthier. I have LC with mine, although probably a bit more than most LC and it works wonderfully tbh. I get the desire to change that and then remember why I left in the first place.

Blueberry

Quote from: Elphanigh on June 25, 2019, 02:19:15 PM
I get the desire to change that and then remember why I left in the first place.

Sounds familiar. I've been feeling guilty off and on since yesterday, then I remember that Guilt is the G in FOG and the plan is to move out of the FOG, out of the Fear Obligation Guilt.

__________________________

I was meant to go to choir practice this evening but didn't in the end, did a couple of jobs in the garden and apartment instead, intending to go to choir practice just before the end to at least hand in some papers, but then I read somewhere that they're having a social evening after practice today. When I don't want to stay for the social event, people always persuade me to after all because I find it too much struggle enforcing my desire of "Thanks but I don't want to tonight." They mean well but my conditioning tells me it's rude to turn down. It's rude to say "No" and so I aquiesce instead of blowing a minor fuse. In my feelings or maybe even in my Toolbox (in this kind of case), there's no in-between.

I have a long backlog of things that need to be done. Bit by bit, email by email, phone call by phone call, I'm getting them done. In between the 'bits', I need a lot of down time to not do much at all.

Jdog

Blueberry-

Not sure where I have been, but I didn't even know that FOG was an acronym.  Thanks for educating me, and good job remaining aware of your boundaries in tricky situations.

Blueberry

maybe you haven't been at OutofTheFog ;)   STORM afaik is not an acronym, so why would someone not on OOTF think of acronyms?

We're having a bit of a heatwave which isn't easy for me. My head feels as if it's full of cotton wool.