Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

Started by Blueberry, August 25, 2018, 03:20:30 AM

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Jdog

Here's to finding practical uses for the cotton wool :hug:

Blueberry

The cotton wool effect is no longer so noticeable. Maybe it wasn't because of the heat after all?

A reminder today that I'm no longer feeling the effects of my little accident. Important to note. Yes other things have turned up since then. Seem to be feeling really tired for other reasons, e.g. maybe FOO contact again. To me rather than from me.

But at least I'm no longer feeling really under the weather due to the accident! Today I noticed on my own without the reminder that I'm walking better again. My knee is bothering me less. It just took a little time to heal. I tend to worry that it's something really bad. I think that's generally called catastrophising but I don't do it actively. I genuinely don't know if a particular injury or tick bite or illness is going to be catastrophic or not. EF undoubtedly.

Anyway, that's enough for today. I need to sort out a few things irl.

sanmagic7

you know, personally, i don't think that's necessarily catastrophising.  sometimes we don't really know what something might mean, but it could actually be something very bad.  there have been times when i didn't know what certain changes might be meaning for me.  my ncD once told me to quit complaining, i was just getting old.  i told her that i'd never been that age before, so i really didn't know what it could be or what to expect.  i still believe that.  i don't know, either, if that's automatically in the EF category.  it may just be a natural response to the unknown.

i'm just glad you're feeling better.  accidents can knock us off balance in more ways than one. 

i did love the FOG acronym - had never heard it before.  it makes sense, tho.  very handy to keep in mind.

sending love and a hug full of healing, sweetie.  keep taking care of you, ok?

Blueberry

I have been reading on here for a long time. I was reading parts of my previous Journal particularly from about a year ago to see what sort of things were going on at that time in my healing. I've come away realising that I have made progress in all sorts of little ways. I now feel calmer and also a bit more motivated to get on with a couple of things I had planned for today. I have done quite a few things already, especially housework. It was long overdue.

sanmagic7

i'm glad for you, blueberry, that you're able to see that progress for and in yourself.  i think it can sometimes get lost in the day to day stuff.  good for you!  sending love and  :hug:

Blueberry

Yes, you're right san. It gets lost in the day-to-day.

Hope67

Quote from: Blueberry on July 01, 2019, 04:01:40 PM
I've come away realising that I have made progress in all sorts of little ways. I now feel calmer and also a bit more motivated to get on with a couple of things I had planned for today. I have done quite a few things already, especially housework. It was long overdue.

:cheer:  This is great, Blueberry. 
:hug:
Hope  :)

Blueberry

Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 29, 2019, 11:13:14 PM
you know, personally, i don't think that's necessarily catastrophising.    i don't know, either, if that's automatically in the EF category.  it may just be a natural response to the unknown.

It wasn't clear from my post but I meant with the mention of catastrophising that in mainstream, non-trauma-informed T, people tend to say you're catastrophising in that kind of case (ime anyway) but I don't think it is in my case here.

I was thinking EF because I hear parental voices in my head and they are catastrophising in a sort of: "you've done a really dumb thing so now you're going to suffer physically for the rest of your life" from both parents and M adding "and it's your own stupid fault". Mostly they weren't even correct in their forecast. Mostly?!? I actually can't think of a time they were.


Blueberry

Thank you, Hope for your validation and hugs and cheers  :hug: You too, Tee, for your hugs.

__________________________

I wrote a lot over on Today I Achieved https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=11363.msg88674#new

The almost visceral feeling of withdrawing into myself and wanting to disappear into bed, and then deciding not to but instead 'do one more window' and then see was interesting. I then had the energy and motivation to do all my windows and mirrors. It wasn't much of a struggle to keep going whereas in the past it has been. Or often I couldn't keep going, or if I forced myself to, I'd get ill.

I slept really well last night. Working part of the day outside in the heat can do that to you ;) and then I was doing strenuous work inside later. By the end, I was working really slowly but I got it done. Today I continued (that was all at the farm) then I did need some downtime when I got home. But then I was able to get on with some jobs at home and run some errands around town, which was all good.

At the farm I notice that with one particular job I often do there, though I'm not the only one by any means, I notice that I'm getting more and more experienced and better able to judge when to change certain things and replace others. :) I feel good about that. I can remember along time ago at work in my own profession, I was frightened to make a change in case it was wrong. Even when I knew it was right, I was still worried somebody would notice I'd done it. Now at the farm it was perfectly OK for one of the more permanent people to exclaim "Wow, Blueberry! You're going the whole hog today!" He, and others, will be happy that I just do something that needs to be done, without asking. About some things it's good to ask, but also good to be able to judge when I should ask and when I can just go ahead.

With a childhood like mine, where whatever I decided seemed to be wrong and was met with haranguing and terrible verbal / emotional / psychological abuse, it's no surprise to me that acting according to my own judgement is so hard. I've understood the connection for a long time, but now there are real healing steps going on! :cheer:

Quite likely they are connected to that work I was doing in T last time: finally managing to say with feeling and not just with my head that I suffered appallingly bad emotional abuse as a child. Being able to really, really believe that means FOO is disappearing further into the background and the imprint of the FOO of my childhood is losing its influence over my present day life. I feel more empowered, and better grounded. :) :cheer:

Tee

That's awesome Blueberry in so glad you are finding some healing from you hurt.  I'm sorry your childhood seems to be similar to mine I guess that at least gives me some hope that I'll find healing at some point too.  Anyway when I don't have words I figure at least a hug shows in here for you.  Hope you have a good evening. :hug:

Not Alone

Blueberry,
Really getting how bad the abuse was is very significant. For me, believing my memories more has been important.
Fantastic that you are able to know what needs to be done and follow through without a lot of (or any?) fear.  That is a really big deal.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Blueberry

Thank you notalone! Yes, it seems to be a very significant development. Now all I have to do is the same for CPA and CSA :disappear: and I'll be healed. However I know it all takes time and the time for them will come when I'm ready. Also I assume that I'm still absorbing all the beneficial effects of this big realisation and turning them into constructive steps in daily life. That not only should take priority, it probably needs to even so I have more stability before I breach CPA / CSA. I know what happened. I didn't suppress most of it ever. But really grasping with my emotions instead of just with my head that those two were actually abuse - well, that will take some more time.

Argh! As other mbrs have mentioned recently, it's hard to be patient and allow healing to take the time it needs.

Blueberry

Quote from: Tee on July 06, 2019, 08:50:12 PM
That's awesome Blueberry in so glad you are finding some heading from you hurt.  I'm sorry your childhood seems to be similar to mine I guess that at least gives me some hope that I'll find heading at some point too.  Anyway when I don't have words I figure at least a hug shows in here for you.  Hope you have a good evening. :hug:

Thank you Tee. Hugs are great! I'm rather a wordy person :whistling: but not everybody has to be so on here. Not having words is common on here. You're not alone. I don't always have words either.

Blueberry

I made myself a proper and healthy dinner tonight, which is not always the case by any means. It takes me a long time and sometimes it really exhausts me too. I can imagine why that might be (connected to past, of course). In fact just being willing to cook using 3 pots tonight instead of everything in 1 shows me that I'm moving forwards again.

So preparing a meal takes a long time, longer than it 'should'. Oh that 'should' word again that's hardly ever good for me and certainly not here. I presume there's some low-level EF going on the whole time. In fact Pete Walker mentions something similar in one of his books. So I'm not even alone with this.

Another sign that I'm moving forwards again is that I'm able to do several tasks and other activities in one day. Even when I notice my energy flowing away at the mere thought of doing a particular activity, I've been able to go through with it anyway and not lose my energy (like when I was washing windows) or I've decided not to do the activity in question (like reinstalling something of mine the painters removed from the outside wall) but instead of giving up and zoning out, going back to bed etc., I've got on with something else.

Today after months, I was finally back playing keyboard and practising hymns for choir and just for my own enjoyment. I'm back to using more of my senses again instead of just cognitive activities. I also did some throwing out. Always a good sign when I have an impulse to do that!

A few weeks ago my psych doc recommended very strongly that I put up my dosage of Citalopram. I had been on a very low dosage for a while and at the time I had an appointment I was feeling very low and unmotivated. Although I got back on my feet before the increased dosage could have taken effect, I'm considering that it could be helping me stay upright atm. I'm sure it's not working all by itself but in combination with the work I've been doing in T, especially with expressing that I was subject to appallingly bad emotional abuse by parents and one B while growing up.