Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

[Tee]

  good for you Blueberry keep moving forward!

[Not Alone]

Today after months, I was finally back playing keyboard and practising hymns for choir and just for my own enjoyment. I'm back to using more of my senses again instead of just cognitive activities. I also did some throwing out. Always a good sign when I have an impulse to do that!

[Three Roses]

 

[Blueberry]

Thanks everybody! Today started out well but then sank into a down day for whatever reason. Maybe connected to ICr. the way 3R wrote in her Journal today, maybe just because a recent incident with FOO flitted through my head a few hours ago. Inner head is nodding. I turned to my bad compensation mechanism no. 3 (behind eating issues and the SH I most commonly write about). I haven't succumbed to b.c.m. no. 3 for what seems like ages. Eating issues and my hair SH were compensation methods for multiple triggers, b.c.m. no. 3 only for very select ones when I was growing up and even now too.

So yeah both Bs and the action of one of them flitted through my head. There's one - the father of my goddaughter - who sometimes sends family pics though I actually especially expressed interest in ones of my goddaughter. So the latest he sent was of himself, the other B and the niece who isn't my goddaughter. It took me a few days but then I deleted it but it's still in my head.

I remember another mbr on here pointing out that FOO mbrs you're LC with might end up sending you less and less of what you've asked for, more of what you haven't asked for and doing it in a way that's unkind, cruel even, and stringing you along. So that's what I thought of. I don't need to keep a pic I don't want, that's three-quarters both Bs grinning with a comment attached that's hurtful to me, even if the sender quite possibly didn't intend it to be so. So deleting was certainly a step forward Maybe I needed to make that more obvious to my Inners at the time? Again the Inner head is nodding.

I realised on the way to the computer that it would be beneficial to do a round or three of EFT on succumbing to b.c.m. no. 3 so I will do that later on.

Before I even had an impulse to do b.c.m. no. 3, 'something' persuaded me it would be a good idea to go back to bed.  Originally for an hour, it turned into hours. I don't always need to know what 'something' was immediately. The answer might rise to the surface within a few days. It might be connected to what 3R wrote about on her Journal, except I don't feel fear, I don't feel anything. Undoubtedly something hiding behind that 'feeling nothing' but it might not be fear in my case. It doesn't have to be I'm sure.

[Tee]

Good steps forward. Hugs Blueberry.

[Three Roses]

So deleting was certainly a step forward

I'll join you in the  and !

It's so interesting - my journal entry was inspired by someone else's journal entry! It rattled around in my head for days like a pebble in a tin can - I thought of responding to that post so today I got out my books - then I went "Oh!" and saw that I hadn't really been preoccupied by that post, but what it had awakened in me.

It's beautiful how we all support, encourage, challenge and stimulate each other here by what we share! ❤️  Like teamwork, or a symphony orchestra, we each play a vital role.

[sanmagic7]

well, 3r certainly played a symphony here with her thoughts - beautiful.  and blueberry, i know i haven't responded recently, but want to let you know that i find the progress you have been making recently is astounding!  well done!     i love how what we do can put pieces of our puzzle back into place the correct way.  your work on the farm seems to be opening doors into other avenues of your life, like playing the keyboard and your choir songs.  absolutely wonderful.  i'm so glad for you, i really am.

the idea of feeling the immensity of our realizations about our abuse, rather than, as you said, knowing it in your head, has got to be a key to unlocking some of these doors that have been stuck for us.  i think that's such a huge step you accomplished.  reading what you wrote just feels lighter somehow, like you've shucked a weight that's been clinging to your shoulders.  i think you're amazing.  love always, and a hug full of continued well-being. 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Tee, 3R and san!
__________________________

I have a lot to write but when I attempt to my head goes blank. I know then it's too early. Having written that now, I might manage a few things.

I'm eating fairly healthily atm and it's mostly from the farm or picked in my garden otoh I'm back to my own brand of SH and I can't even feel why, yet.

I have a lot on my Could list today so here I am reminding myself that it is just that: Could. It isn't Highly Recommended or even Must. I did everything on Highly Rec. That's always a short list, like taking meds and drinking water and even just getting up.

Both today and yesterday late I'm doing better than would have been possible in this sort of state a few months ago. I take longish breaks, but then I get going again. Maybe not on something on my Could list, but some other constructive thing. Gardening was not on my list today but I did some anyway. That's certainly better than going back to bed. But I also did easier things on my Could list like laundry and washing dishes. I also made 2 phone calls to set up appointments, though one of them wasn't on my Could list on paper, just in my head. Not being on paper means I was denying myself the opportunity to go through with the task though I do feel a big impulse to get on with it. Sure there are other things that are more important and much more self-care oriented (like getting new glasses) but for whatever reason I'm not getting on with it. It's probably just too big a step atm.

I feel generally better grounded in my body atm. That's undoubtedly connected to my pulling back more and more from FOO.

I had Little Furries to stay for 6 weeks while their Person was inpatient. Little Furries ended up with a couple of medical problems and I had to take them to the vet's twice and also administer medicine myself at home. I did manage, but it was stressful for me. Way back, when self-care was really, really difficult for me, I cared as best I could for my own Little Furries. Self-care taboo (thanks FOO) but looking after pets OK, to a point anyway. Now that I'm managing more self-care, I don't have the energy to care for Little Furries adequately over a long period of time. Six weeks was pushing it, but I managed. I do miss the Little Furries a bit, but I don't miss the work. I have wondered sometimes if I could hack having my own Little Furries again. This last stint tells me: No. Though I will probably pet-sit again.

[Blueberry]

A good thing: I persuaded myself to go to choir practice yesterday though I was considering not going. But I did go and it did me good.

An annoying thing: This time last year I was stressed out by my landlord and I am again now, though it's not even the same landlord. My semi-automatic internal reaction is: 'it must be my fault. I'm not waiting patiently enough, I'm expecting too much. I don't want to annoy him. He might take revenge in another way.  I want to stay on the good side of him.'

I had an appointment at my psycho doc's this morning and he was trying to persuade me to send a letter saying: if this plumbing problem isn't dealt with in 10 days, I'm reducing my rent payment. That's actually standard procedure here, but me:    + my fear of the person taking revenge in some other form. That's a FOO tactic - taking revenge.
Even though I belong to a Tenants' Rights Association, I'm hesitant to contact them too in case I'm too much, in case I seem to come with too many problems. Though that's what they're there for!! I also pay an annual fee, though not very much. Being a member I know what my rights are actually, but enforcing them 

All my bad coping mechanisms were making themselves felt yesterday. I gave into eating, for which I even had to buy something. Plenty of time to decide not to. However I decided to do so. I picked out several items in fact. One I put back in exchange for a word puzzle magazine, so I at least reduced my addiction food intake.

[Tee]

Oh Blueberry you can do it you have the right to have your needs to be taken care of.  Hugs I hope the landlord fixes your problem soon.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Tee. It doesn't look that way though, as if the ll is going to fix anything soon. And actually it's very very difficult for me to make contact, stick to my rights etc. without feeling like a pain, as if I'm bothering them too often. Then that shows in my voice.

I feel today as if everybody's trampling over my boundaries atm and also that it is just so strenuous for me to keep sticking up for myself. 

Partly that makes me mad   

Partly it shows me I actually need to stand my ground and/or state my boundaries and stick to them way earlier. It means not making exceptions like "this student was a little late, but I have time so I'll give them the extra 5 minutes at the end". No. I have to show them I mean business and send them out at the normal time.

I remember the swimming pool walls analogy. Here it is: http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=1911

[sanmagic7]

o, blueberry, i remember the ll stuff from last year - so sorry you're going thru it again.  i hope you find a way to get what you need (i know that feeling of revenge - i've even had it with docs, like if i tell them what i see is going wrong, they'll somehow not treat me correctly!)  so, yeah, not a fun feeling at all.
i know you're not a pain for getting done what's due you, tho.  i also know how it can feel that way.

when i last had clients, i was able to address that lateness thing, altho i'd also let it slide several times.  i told her that it was disrespectful to be late.  it was something she'd never thought of, so it gave her some new insight.  i don't know the pool example, but i do know that we are always giving messages to others who do these kinds of things to us, especially that's it's ok to disrespect us, or that their 'time' is more important than ours.  it can be a hard one to break, for sure.

best to you, blueberry, on getting through this.  sending love and a hug full of support for your boundaries and strength to implement them.

[Three Roses]

Dear Blueberry, I'm supporting you in spirit! You deserve to have access to the things you pay for, whether or not anyone thinks you're a "pain". If ll doesn't want to be bothered by this issue then they need to fix it. That would be in their best interest, a form of self care - attending to their responsibilities and doing their job. By their dropping of the ball, so to speak, they have invited attention and pressure upon themselves. Just my opinion. 😉

[Blueberry]

You're right there 3R.

While looking for the swimming pool walls analogy, I saw something like if you have access to healthy Fight modus you're more likely to be able to look after your boundaries, set limits etc. I suppose healthy Fight modus is missing again in my life.

One thing my T said at my last appointment: the thing that really stands out and marks me as 'not quite healthy' is that I even think about all this stuff and question my own actions of setting limits and sticking up for myself etc. Non-traumatised people or presumably those much further along in healing set a limit or show their boundary and that's it. It's over and done with. They don't continuously wonder whether they acted wrongly and they're not ashamed of acting.

That's presumably why people tell us to "get over it" because they get over minor stuff in that they don't second guess themselves and tie themselves in knots. I don't mean to say they're right in telling us to "get over it" but that's how they can operate.

My psych doc agrees with me that I should try for another round of T sessions. Idk how many it would be. Maybe 20 or 25, but I'd certainly be able to have T more often than 2-3 times per quarter. Maybe twice a month. Certainly something to discuss with my therapist next week.

[Blueberry]

o, blueberry, i remember the ll stuff from last year - so sorry you're going thru it again.  i hope you find a way to get what you need (i know that feeling of revenge - i've even had it with docs, like if i tell them what i see is going wrong, they'll somehow not treat me correctly!)  so, yeah, not a fun feeling at all.
i know you're not a pain for getting done what's due you, tho.  i also know how it can feel that way.

You remember? Wow. We've had a new ll since about February. I'm sorry that your experience has led you to understand all this stuff too. otoh it's helpful for me that you do understand. It's not fun. I'm likely to wait for my next T appointment to tackle it.

Meanwhile I have been getting on with other important things like I desperately needed new glasses and I saw about that today. I even managed to get a price reduction on the frames   There are always decisions to make when getting new glasses and I dealt well with those decisions. Didn't hum and haw too long.

I also needed a new bike helmet since my other one had developed a crack. At the bike shop I managed to say my criteria and decide in 5 minutes flat, which is really good by my standards.

Today I went to a games evening I sometimes go to. That was fun even though I got kind of dopey by the end. But still I noticed how good it was to go out and do something sociable, fun and where there are no large consequences if I make the 'wrong' decision. So I didn't win the game. So what? Problems with ll, FOO and a number of other topics nagging away in my head disappeared out of it for a while. That does a lot of good!