Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

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Three Roses

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Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful
« Reply #495 on: July 12, 2019, 05:00:14 PM »
Dear Blueberry, I'm supporting you in spirit! You deserve to have access to the things you pay for, whether or not anyone thinks you're a "pain". If ll doesn't want to be bothered by this issue then they need to fix it. That would be in their best interest, a form of self care - attending to their responsibilities and doing their job. By their dropping of the ball, so to speak, they have invited attention and pressure upon themselves. Just my opinion. 😉

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful
« Reply #496 on: July 12, 2019, 09:17:43 PM »
You're right there 3R.

While looking for the swimming pool walls analogy, I saw something like if you have access to healthy Fight modus you're more likely to be able to look after your boundaries, set limits etc. I suppose healthy Fight modus is missing again in my life.

One thing my T said at my last appointment: the thing that really stands out and marks me as 'not quite healthy' is that I even think about all this stuff and question my own actions of setting limits and sticking up for myself etc. Non-traumatised people or presumably those much further along in healing set a limit or show their boundary and that's it. It's over and done with. They don't continuously wonder whether they acted wrongly and they're not ashamed of acting.

That's presumably why people tell us to "get over it" because they get over minor stuff in that they don't second guess themselves and tie themselves in knots. I don't mean to say they're right in telling us to "get over it" but that's how they can operate.

My psych doc agrees with me that I should try for another round of T sessions. Idk how many it would be. Maybe 20 or 25, but I'd certainly be able to have T more often than 2-3 times per quarter. Maybe twice a month. Certainly something to discuss with my therapist next week.

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful
« Reply #497 on: July 12, 2019, 09:34:03 PM »
o, blueberry, i remember the ll stuff from last year - so sorry you're going thru it again.  i hope you find a way to get what you need (i know that feeling of revenge - i've even had it with docs, like if i tell them what i see is going wrong, they'll somehow not treat me correctly!)  so, yeah, not a fun feeling at all.
i know you're not a pain for getting done what's due you, tho.  i also know how it can feel that way.

You remember? Wow. We've had a new ll since about February. I'm sorry that your experience has led you to understand all this stuff too. otoh it's helpful for me that you do understand. It's not fun. I'm likely to wait for my next T appointment to tackle it.

Meanwhile I have been getting on with other important things like I desperately needed new glasses and I saw about that today. I even managed to get a price reduction on the frames ;D  There are always decisions to make when getting new glasses and I dealt well with those decisions. Didn't hum and haw too long.

I also needed a new bike helmet since my other one had developed a crack. At the bike shop I managed to say my criteria and decide in 5 minutes flat, which is really good by my standards.

Today I went to a games evening I sometimes go to. That was fun even though I got kind of dopey by the end. But still I noticed how good it was to go out and do something sociable, fun and where there are no large consequences if I make the 'wrong' decision. So I didn't win the game. So what? Problems with ll, FOO and a number of other topics nagging away in my head disappeared out of it for a while. That does a lot of good! :yes:

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sanmagic7

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Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful
« Reply #498 on: July 12, 2019, 10:13:14 PM »
that makes total sense to me about not second-guessing ourselves when it comes to having and holding boundaries as something that happens when we're quite healthy.  the one boundary i had w/ my hubs was not to hit me.  when i told them, i had it in my eyes that i would not tolerate that, and never backed down from that, and never got hit.  emotional boundaries, however, were another story.  there i was stepped on, stomped on, crossed and re-crossed too many times to count, no matter how i stated how i felt.  i suppose that came from the fact that i didn't really suffer much PA as a child, while my emot. boundaries were unknown.  weird how that works.

good for you for getting your glasses, frames, etc. so efficiently.  and i'm really glad you had a good time playing.  i think it's wonderful to find that kind of environment where you can just be and not have to be afraid of exactly that. 

i remember when you had those problems with the stuff from other tenants in the hallway, and that was supposed to be taken care of by your ll, and you'd have to haul or clean up the mess.  or, am i not remembering correctly?  anyway, i know you were having problems before.  that feeling, tho, that you described is definitely not fun, i completely agree w/ you on that.  i do hope you can find your way thru it.

keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?  even if you don't think so, you totally deserve it.  sending love and a hug filled w/ boundary confidence. :hug:

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful
« Reply #499 on: July 13, 2019, 01:43:29 PM »
i remember when you had those problems with the stuff from other tenants in the hallway, and that was supposed to be taken care of by your ll, and you'd have to haul or clean up the mess.  or, am i not remembering correctly? 

Yes, you are remembering correctly. There was also the problem that my ll agreed to lower my rent on my office but it took me about 3 months to actually get him to tell me by how much he was lowering it. It just seems so needless to tell your tenant(s) "yes, yes" and then take months to really act on it. The new ll told me the first time he came by to check out some problems including plumbing that if there any problems like that, just tell him, he'll deal with them or get them dealt with. Doesn't actually seem that way. For me, it's just so stressful trying to deal with it and being put off again and again. The stress makes me feel exhausted.

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Hope67

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Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful
« Reply #500 on: July 13, 2019, 07:29:36 PM »
Hi Blueberry,
Stress is exhausting - sending you a hug of support  :hug:
Hope  :)

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Tee

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Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful
« Reply #501 on: July 14, 2019, 02:49:08 AM »
 :hug: hope things are getting better!

Just curious what kinds of games do you like?  There's a game group around where I'm from too, been a while since I've had time or energy to go but. I like games. :hug:

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful
« Reply #502 on: July 14, 2019, 08:38:21 AM »
On Thursday I did discuss this topic https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=10217.msg86789#msg86789 with at least some of the relevant people.

Somebody asked that next time I (or anybody else) does xy, then please communicate it first to everybody. That gave me the courage to mention that I thought there had been a few communication problems recently. I and another woman (one of my supporters that other evening) mentioned a few situations. One of the guys who had chiefly been withholding information in my eyes did say it was good that we were listing that. It was good to get feedback on how things appeared and maybe even were.

Then finally I got up the courage to bring up the occasion from 2 months ago. When I mentioned that I had been really shocked because I'd never noticed a male mbrs putting female mbrs down or treating with contempt, one of the men snorted and sighed, another smirked. I objected to both of their behaviours but Chief Withholder of Information also took my part there by telling Snorter/Sigher that that had obviously been my impression so they as a group should listen first. The other guy with the smirk claimed to not be listening at all and to have been thinking about something totally different. Maybe that's even true. Maybe not.

It sounds as if I was partially reacting with amygdala hijacks two months ago and even in my head this time. I'd hear something and automatically interpret it as xy, then realise a few seconds later (this time around) that that's not what was meant. Good I didn't react to it then!

Snorter/Sigher said at the time he found it amusing that there was such vehement argument going on (whether just from me or others too he didN't make clear). I objected to that too and said so. I don't think it's amusing at all that somebody like me has to argue vehemently.

This Thursday Snorter/Sigher and Chief Withholder of Information explained that there was sensitive information in there that they were both allowed to see because they were working on that particular project; I wasn't working on it so I didn't get to see it. Not that they explained that 2 months ago. That would have been helpful. This time around I said I would've backed down and stopped arguing if they'd said something like "you can't see it now - Data Protection Act etc. - but we'll blot out the sensitive information (which was only a very small part of it) and email it to you next week." But they didn't. 

It wasn't till I read back on here that I realised that I asked them 2 months ago why they couldn't just either show me the information or email it to me in a few days and they didn't answer that at all.

It's good that I've aired the topic and that some other people in the group were willing to actively and fairly listen this time, that in some cases I assume x means y too hastily (so that's something for me to watch out for!)

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sanmagic7

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Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful
« Reply #503 on: July 14, 2019, 05:58:03 PM »
all this kind of stuff is exhausting, from my point of view.  ll issues, information issues, having to ask time and time again, having to defend yourself - dang, what the heck!  i'm glad, tho, that you found out that sometimes xy means yz, so not to jump too quickly.  i've made that mistake plenty of times myself.  it's a good personal insight, i think, and thanks for bringing it up - good for me to remember as well.

i hope the ll stuff gets fixed quickly and the game-playing ends.  ugh!  love and a supportive hug, blueberry.   :hug:

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Hope67

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Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful
« Reply #504 on: July 14, 2019, 07:22:26 PM »
Hi Blueberry,
I am also sending you love and hugs.  I think that you were brave to air those issues, and talk them through with the people concerned.  That takes a lot to do that, and I think you were brave.
 :hug:
Hope  :)

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful
« Reply #505 on: July 14, 2019, 08:06:30 PM »
Thank you both for love and hugs  :)

I realised a while after posting that one very positive thing on Thursday was: there were no winners and losers which is oh so different from in FOO. I suppose it's connected that I didn't feel afterwards that I had better go and never show my face again. I remember last time enF visited me and we had a discussion about something - probably past FOO stuff - it was a huuuuge bit of progress that after the discussion (or argument?) I was able to stay in the room. The air wasn't so loaded and I didn't feel so  ??? intimidated maybe or 'put in my place' or 'in the wrong' that I had to leave the room. I remember telling my T that the following week. See, I don't even know what led me to leave the room all those times before and I don't want to feel back into it now.

san, I don't think the ll stuff will get fixed till I come with a threat. That's very stressful for me, but I need to go through with it. I did a little research and found out that in normal circumstances for the kind of repairs I need doing waiting 2-3 weeks for your ll to really move on it e.g. get a repairman in is considered 'reasonable time' legally. Well, I've been waiting over 2 months so totally unreasonable.

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful
« Reply #506 on: July 15, 2019, 10:00:04 AM »
Contacted my ll again this morning. He said he was sorry in a tone of voice that made me think he was just saying that, in a patronising tone of voice. He promised to contact the repairman for him to contact me immediately to arrange date and time of repair. I asked for a precise definition of "immediately" and was told "this morning". Needless to say neither ll nor the repairman have got back to me and the morning is over in a few minutes.  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:

Far from me being too aggressive (the way I've been told in the past by FOO and others), when I read my previous emails to ll, they don't strike me as being aggressive at all. More subservient. In the back of my mind while writing them I had these ideas about not demanding too much, the ll has other properties and tenants  :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: also about two weeks ago he was sick for a week. But he is also a full-time ll - he owns a property management company. It is his job to deal with problems and not keep stringing me along.

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Tee

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Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful
« Reply #507 on: July 15, 2019, 12:38:47 PM »
 :applause: good job contacting him.  I hope you have heard something by now.

Good luck with you frustration.  You are worth being heard and taken care of!
 :grouphug: :grouphug:

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Blueberry

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Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful
« Reply #508 on: July 16, 2019, 09:47:21 AM »
Needless to say my ll has not got back to me, nor has the repairman. I told my ll yesterday that I'm a mbr of the Tenants' Association and was going to contact them if he didn't move on the issue. Apparently that didn't concern him so here I am in for the long slog, having to fight every inch of the way.

I feel duped. Back in May, my ll said if there were any problems just contact him, he'd come and deal. Doesn't seem that way. In fact one thing he said he'd move on he didn't until somebody else in the building contacted him about it and he did it within a day. So I feel like he got the lay of the land from me, sounded me out and decided I'm an inconvenient tenant and he's just going to ignore me. I trusted him. That was wrong.

I don't have my appointment with the Tenants' Association till next week and although I could phone my ll every day this week to remind him, it probably won't help at all. Will probably just frustrate me more.

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Tee

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Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful
« Reply #509 on: July 16, 2019, 01:06:50 PM »
You could call him and tell him if he doesn't fix it then you will have it fix take the cost out of your rent. And will submit the receipt instead of rent this month since you have waited so long to have it fixed.