Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

[sanmagic7]

that makes total sense to me about not second-guessing ourselves when it comes to having and holding boundaries as something that happens when we're quite healthy.  the one boundary i had w/ my hubs was not to hit me.  when i told them, i had it in my eyes that i would not tolerate that, and never backed down from that, and never got hit.  emotional boundaries, however, were another story.  there i was stepped on, stomped on, crossed and re-crossed too many times to count, no matter how i stated how i felt.  i suppose that came from the fact that i didn't really suffer much PA as a child, while my emot. boundaries were unknown.  weird how that works.

good for you for getting your glasses, frames, etc. so efficiently.  and i'm really glad you had a good time playing.  i think it's wonderful to find that kind of environment where you can just be and not have to be afraid of exactly that. 

i remember when you had those problems with the stuff from other tenants in the hallway, and that was supposed to be taken care of by your ll, and you'd have to haul or clean up the mess.  or, am i not remembering correctly?  anyway, i know you were having problems before.  that feeling, tho, that you described is definitely not fun, i completely agree w/ you on that.  i do hope you can find your way thru it.

keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?  even if you don't think so, you totally deserve it.  sending love and a hug filled w/ boundary confidence.

[Blueberry]

i remember when you had those problems with the stuff from other tenants in the hallway, and that was supposed to be taken care of by your ll, and you'd have to haul or clean up the mess.  or, am i not remembering correctly? 

Yes, you are remembering correctly. There was also the problem that my ll agreed to lower my rent on my office but it took me about 3 months to actually get him to tell me by how much he was lowering it. It just seems so needless to tell your tenant(s) "yes, yes" and then take months to really act on it. The new ll told me the first time he came by to check out some problems including plumbing that if there any problems like that, just tell him, he'll deal with them or get them dealt with. Doesn't actually seem that way. For me, it's just so stressful trying to deal with it and being put off again and again. The stress makes me feel exhausted.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Stress is exhausting - sending you a hug of support 
Hope 

[Tee]

  hope things are getting better!

Just curious what kinds of games do you like?  There's a game group around where I'm from too, been a while since I've had time or energy to go but. I like games.

[Blueberry]

On Thursday I did discuss this topic https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=10217.msg86789#msg86789 with at least some of the relevant people.

Somebody asked that next time I (or anybody else) does xy, then please communicate it first to everybody. That gave me the courage to mention that I thought there had been a few communication problems recently. I and another woman (one of my supporters that other evening) mentioned a few situations. One of the guys who had chiefly been withholding information in my eyes did say it was good that we were listing that. It was good to get feedback on how things appeared and maybe even were.

Then finally I got up the courage to bring up the occasion from 2 months ago. When I mentioned that I had been really shocked because I'd never noticed a male mbrs putting female mbrs down or treating with contempt, one of the men snorted and sighed, another smirked. I objected to both of their behaviours but Chief Withholder of Information also took my part there by telling Snorter/Sigher that that had obviously been my impression so they as a group should listen first. The other guy with the smirk claimed to not be listening at all and to have been thinking about something totally different. Maybe that's even true. Maybe not.

It sounds as if I was partially reacting with amygdala hijacks two months ago and even in my head this time. I'd hear something and automatically interpret it as xy, then realise a few seconds later (this time around) that that's not what was meant. Good I didn't react to it then!

Snorter/Sigher said at the time he found it amusing that there was such vehement argument going on (whether just from me or others too he didN't make clear). I objected to that too and said so. I don't think it's amusing at all that somebody like me has to argue vehemently.

This Thursday Snorter/Sigher and Chief Withholder of Information explained that there was sensitive information in there that they were both allowed to see because they were working on that particular project; I wasn't working on it so I didn't get to see it. Not that they explained that 2 months ago. That would have been helpful. This time around I said I would've backed down and stopped arguing if they'd said something like "you can't see it now - Data Protection Act etc. - but we'll blot out the sensitive information (which was only a very small part of it) and email it to you next week." But they didn't. 

It wasn't till I read back on here that I realised that I asked them 2 months ago why they couldn't just either show me the information or email it to me in a few days and they didn't answer that at all.

It's good that I've aired the topic and that some other people in the group were willing to actively and fairly listen this time, that in some cases I assume x means y too hastily (so that's something for me to watch out for!)

[sanmagic7]

all this kind of stuff is exhausting, from my point of view.  ll issues, information issues, having to ask time and time again, having to defend yourself - dang, what the heck!  i'm glad, tho, that you found out that sometimes xy means yz, so not to jump too quickly.  i've made that mistake plenty of times myself.  it's a good personal insight, i think, and thanks for bringing it up - good for me to remember as well.

i hope the ll stuff gets fixed quickly and the game-playing ends.  ugh!  love and a supportive hug, blueberry.   

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I am also sending you love and hugs.  I think that you were brave to air those issues, and talk them through with the people concerned.  That takes a lot to do that, and I think you were brave.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you both for love and hugs 

I realised a while after posting that one very positive thing on Thursday was: there were no winners and losers which is oh so different from in FOO. I suppose it's connected that I didn't feel afterwards that I had better go and never show my face again. I remember last time enF visited me and we had a discussion about something - probably past FOO stuff - it was a huuuuge bit of progress that after the discussion (or argument?) I was able to stay in the room. The air wasn't so loaded and I didn't feel so  intimidated maybe or 'put in my place' or 'in the wrong' that I had to leave the room. I remember telling my T that the following week. See, I don't even know what led me to leave the room all those times before and I don't want to feel back into it now.

san, I don't think the ll stuff will get fixed till I come with a threat. That's very stressful for me, but I need to go through with it. I did a little research and found out that in normal circumstances for the kind of repairs I need doing waiting 2-3 weeks for your ll to really move on it e.g. get a repairman in is considered 'reasonable time' legally. Well, I've been waiting over 2 months so totally unreasonable.

[Blueberry]

Contacted my ll again this morning. He said he was sorry in a tone of voice that made me think he was just saying that, in a patronising tone of voice. He promised to contact the repairman for him to contact me immediately to arrange date and time of repair. I asked for a precise definition of "immediately" and was told "this morning". Needless to say neither ll nor the repairman have got back to me and the morning is over in a few minutes. 

Far from me being too aggressive (the way I've been told in the past by FOO and others), when I read my previous emails to ll, they don't strike me as being aggressive at all. More subservient. In the back of my mind while writing them I had these ideas about not demanding too much, the ll has other properties and tenants  also about two weeks ago he was sick for a week. But he is also a full-time ll - he owns a property management company. It is his job to deal with problems and not keep stringing me along.

[Tee]

  good job contacting him.  I hope you have heard something by now.

Good luck with you frustration.  You are worth being heard and taken care of!

[Blueberry]

Needless to say my ll has not got back to me, nor has the repairman. I told my ll yesterday that I'm a mbr of the Tenants' Association and was going to contact them if he didn't move on the issue. Apparently that didn't concern him so here I am in for the long slog, having to fight every inch of the way.

I feel duped. Back in May, my ll said if there were any problems just contact him, he'd come and deal. Doesn't seem that way. In fact one thing he said he'd move on he didn't until somebody else in the building contacted him about it and he did it within a day. So I feel like he got the lay of the land from me, sounded me out and decided I'm an inconvenient tenant and he's just going to ignore me. I trusted him. That was wrong.

I don't have my appointment with the Tenants' Association till next week and although I could phone my ll every day this week to remind him, it probably won't help at all. Will probably just frustrate me more.

[Tee]

You could call him and tell him if he doesn't fix it then you will have it fix take the cost out of your rent. And will submit the receipt instead of rent this month since you have waited so long to have it fixed.

[Blueberry]

That's roughly what my psych doc recommended - just lowering the rent. The problem is that the general legal recommendation would be to discuss that with an expert. I don't have an appointment for that till next week. The other problem is: it's easy to suggest this kind of thing but if the effort of carrying out the suggestion catapults me into a huge EF, it might not be worth it. I might manage it but only by doing a whole load of SH or other unhealthy coping skills.

The plumber did get back to me later on today and he is coming tomorrow afternoon, probably, if he can find time. Now I feel a bit of shame, a bit of 'I should have given ll till today. Now I look unreasonable and stupid'. But the voices saying that are pretty quiet. ICr. is pretty weak today.

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad to hear that voice is relatively quiet today.  may i just reiterate, you have nothing to feel ashamed of.  this has been a hassle.

supporting you all the way, blueberry.  love and hugs.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I am also supporting you.  It's horrible that you've had that hassle, and I think it's good that you tried to get things sorted by communicating with your ll.  I am glad that the plumber has made contact and that he'll be coming around to fix it.  I hope that it will be fixed quickly. 

Hope