Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

Started by Blueberry, August 25, 2018, 03:20:30 AM

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Blueberry

Thanks san and Hope for your support.  :hug:  That helps me keep that ICr voice quiet.

Tee

I'm glad it's going to be fixed soon hopefully.   :hug: You have nothing to be ashamed. :grouphug:

SharpAndBlunt

Hi Blueberry, just would like to say it sounds like you have taken matters in hand and dealt with them, you have taken responsibility. Your II hasn't, despite having every opportunity to do so and it being his job! Congrats on calmly dealing with the situation.

Blueberry

Thank you SandB. I was at therapy this morning and my T pointed out that I got somewhere with ll, so it's not like with FOO where I can bang my head on the wall ad nauseam but nothing changes, nobody cares. My ll is of the kind who needs reminders and then pressure, but he does eventually act, as I saw today. In fact I just came home this evening to find he'd progressed further and put most of my shutters back up. The new paint isn't quite dry meaning that was done today as well instead of weeks ago.

So I know for myself I have to threaten with having an appointment at the Tenants' Association before so much time goes by. I'm also noting that I need to watch the way I describe situations myself, so not "I always have to fight and nobody pays attention anyway" but "I threatened my ll with legal repercussions and he acted immediately." I was successful, it worked!! You're right too SandB that I dealt calmly, I didn't blow a fuse or anything like it.

Thanks Tee for validating that I don't need to feel shame about any of this.

Tee

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: for it getting fixed!

:applause: :applause:
I'm glad he finally got in gear and you now know what you need to do next time to make it happen more quickly with less mental strain on you? Good job proud of you! :hug:

Three Roses

Quote from: Blueberry on July 17, 2019, 03:33:38 PMI'm also noting that I need to watch the way I describe situations myself, so not "I always have to fight and nobody pays attention anyway" but "I threatened my ll with legal repercussions and he acted immediately." I was successful, it worked!!

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :applause: :applause: :applause: ♥️♥️♥️


Blueberry

Thanks everybody  :) :) It's good to re-read that I don't need to be ashamed! Validation helps me.

My GP has mentioned quite a few times over the years that being careful and precise with language is important. You could say "don't overdramatise" though that's not what he said because he is very careful and precise at least when speaking to me. I suppose he has noticed over the years that individual words or just turn of phrase or even tone of voice triggers me. So it's important not to use "overdramatise" because that hasn't been my purpose. It's more this catastrophising I mentioned somewhere further up. FOO tended to catastrophise about certain things "If you continue to eat this much Blueberry you'll get fat." I did continue, I didn't get fat. I thought I got fat though and was self-conscious, ashamed and self-critical for about 3 decades. So the overdramatising is an ICr., the voices of FOO, it's not really me.

Even "I have to fight and nobody pays attention anyway" is a FOO-ism they projected onto me. B1 would say: "you're always fighting with everyone and who cares what you say anyway". And it has finally come clear to me in my emotions that even now in FOO I have to fight to be really heard but nobody cares too much what I say or what I feel. Certainly not when it comes to the crunch, when somebody else might have to back down, change their behaviour, or relinquish something to me. I still feel I have to fight in a lot of situations but it's not usually the same as in FOO anymore because eventually someone pays attention.


Blueberry

Thanks Tee. :hug:  Just now I started a new Journal but I may keep this one running a bit too. I will see.


Blueberry

I think I will continue to use this Journal a bit too e.g. when the steps I'm mentioning in the other one lead me to memories or certain long-winded conclusions :whistling:

So today after my interactions and garbage discussion with my neighbour, I realised it was quite a big step forward. I was doing to my neighbour what other neighbours have consistently done to me despite the fact that it's not my usual way of dealing with problems. It may not be my usual way partly because I don't think it's right - goes against the grain a bit. Another reason for it certainly not being my usual way is that FOO normally did not allow me to copy their actions. I was not allowed to do to B1 what he did to me. No retaliation allowed. Normally. There were a few strange exceptions. And I was certainly not allowed to treat B2 the way B1 treated me. Not that I generally wanted to, not the vendetta I endured. But it wasn't allowed anyway. Yes, I was scapegoated.

I said 'hello' to my neighbour in passing later on and he returned the greeting. That's also a step for me because in FOO when I was admonished for anything I was usually shown pretty clearly that I was not wanted for the next hours / days and so I took on shame and have carried that up until now. I'd be so ashamed of having defended myself that I wouldn't dare even look at the person I'd stood up to, far less greet them. Not greeting is rather impolite in the country I live in.

Three Roses

Wow, this is awesome! I see how far you've come and what great progress you're making!

:fireworks:

Tee

That's great Blueberry you are rocking it! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:3 cheers for you! :hug:

Blueberry

Thanks  ;D  :grouphug:

More progress coming today, evolving from the progress yesterday.  :cheer:

I'm gearing up to take over another strip of land in the garden. It's actually a bed that used to be mine that I was ordered to leave in no uncertain terms by a previous tenant because she wanted it. She no longer lives here. I am DONE with people using and taking over my beds, pushing me around, forcing me to replant berry bushes and roses  and other perennial flowers or procure new ones from somewhere.

The following sounds pretty normal for someone without cptsd or even without my particular blend, however:  When I take back this bed, I will relinquish all claims to communal areas of the garden, all attempts to leave them open and free for all, or to retain a couple of clumps of perennial flowers that have always been in a particular spot. This will be a lot less stressful for me, as well as for the other keenest gardner. It means others can fight and argue with her or do without much garden space, but what I won't allow is that they come in and take over my space or use it to dump their garbage (including cig stubs and used paint) in.  If they want more space, they're going to have to make it - there is more space but clearing it would involve work. I have done this type of work bit by bit over and over again and it is somebody else's turn!

What I have been doing bit by bit since yesterday is sorting through the contents of the communal garden compost heap and moving or discarding. Discarding stones, old broken tiles, bits of brick, cables etc, also branches and roots that'll take too long to compost. But some of it is fairly good compost which I'm using to improve my own beds and quite a lot is not quite finished composting which I've been putting in my own composter. But the rest of the mess down there: somebody else can deal. The new ll objected to compost being against the back wall. OK, then he needs to ensure that nobody adds more to the pile I'm depleting! Not my job. Not my job. Not my job. Reminding myself more than anything because of course I learned this behaviour in FOO as survival mode, nothing to do with gardening. Some scapegoat activity involving taking on others' burdens that I don't want to feel into atm.