SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment

[SharpAndBlunt]

Some days when I'm all at sea I want to write down what I'm thinking and feeling, sometimes I have insights that feel very important at the time but later seem insignificant. I don't seem to 'get' the bigger picture very easily.

What this hopefully is is a way to record my journey. By it being public it might make me keep it more concise, manageable and readable than my private written ramblings turn in to.

No major things to write today. Just a day ahead to fill, free time sometimes the hardest.

[sanmagic7]

you know, s&b, sometimes it works the other way, too.  i can't tell you how many times i've begun writing, seemingly insignificant things come out that end up being very important and do help me see the big picture more easily.

i admire your courage at taking this step.  i've found it extremely helpful to put my 'stuff' out here and allow others to hear me, give me their own insights, and help me see the big picture when i can't always do it by myself. 

you're on your way at a different level now.  well done.  sending love and hugs to you.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thanks sanmagic7. I have a problem where I write too many small notes and then I can't keep track of them! Occasionally I do re-read things though and some topics/themes have a habit of coming up again and again don't  they?

This post is to remember how I felt tonight before, during and after attending a class.

---

I went to a class tonight that's important to me. I'm describing how it went below.

Before class
------------

The class has just started back after summer break. It's an adult learning class.
I've skipped it before because of feeling just too nervous at the thought of being around people.

It is very laid back and only nice people go, but I still get very stressed before I go.

Before I went in the adrenaline was coursing through me. I was very tense.
I avoid going in early just to avoid chatting to people beforehand.

I have no problems with these people I'm just very nervous. At the same time I think I am going to expose myself as a horrible person, somehow, as the horrible person in the room.
Maybe by inadvertantly saying something out loud that will expose me as a freak or a weirdo. I know rationally this is not true but I can't stop feeling that way.

I remember that feelings are just that, and will pass, and no-one else can see them.

I want to feel like I have some semblance of normality and I'm not just hiding away with these feelings.
But this is so intense and it can't be right and I feel like might have to stop coming here.
That would mean I could not learn this subject and I want so much to keep doing it.

During class
------------

The class was kind of relaxed. Some different people than before, some the same, but overall the same format and vibe as usual.
Kind of comforable.
I managed not to let my thoughts race and I didn't get triggered into a flashback.
I nearly did at one point but I took a mental step back and was able to carry on.
It was nothing major, a really minor thing the person next to me did or said, I can't even remember now.
We all have to speak as part of this class and I find it very hard to speak when I'm flashing back. It has happened before in this class and it is horrible.

I had a couple of moments where my ICr was telling me the people opposite were making comments about me.
Logically I feel sure that they weren't.
I took that as something I recognise but don't validate - I know it is my brain tricking me.
I was able to put that aside and (almost) forget about it, at least for the moment it was happening.
It disturbs me that I have these delusions to the point of paranoia. They scare me.


After class
-----------

On my way home after I was thinking how nice it was to get through that without any episodes. I
then found myself strongly berating myself for making such a big deal about something that is not even a problem.
My panic, fear, nerves, phobia - all made up by me! It is all in my mind and nothing else is causing it! It's all me.
I called myself a name that I wouldn't call someone else, unless they really had done horrible to deserve it.

Obviously my ICr was coming out to play and couldn't stand I had done something nice. This happens a lot.

That is what is driving me crazy, because when things go well I am suddenly horrible to myself.
Like I can't allow myself to have it easy, the right way, the good way. Sabotaging myself.
I refuse to put up with it any more. But learning how to deal with this is a very hard task.

Thankfully now I have books, this forum, and maybe other forms of support to come (I hope).
I know I don't have to be in ignorance of the causes of my suffering any more and I know I don't have to put it down to stupidity and hopefully I don't have to be a slave my whole life to it. I want to feel alive.

Silencing my ICr is my task number one. The big priority. He is the one who rears up and roars just when everything is going well.
Little big nights like tonight let me explore how my knowledge of these concepts is working in practice.
It is the safest night out I can imagine and I still struggle yet I am encouraged I can finally rationalise these things at least to an extent and get a measure of control of them. ??

[SharpAndBlunt]

Had some time to reflect on this so I decided to learn more about the outer critic.

I thought I had understood the inner critic but didn't know what the outer critic meant although i had some assumptions.

Well, it turns out I was completely wrong about the outer critic. I didn't realise that the outer critic is constantly berating others. I wrongly assumed it was like a memory voice of my past critics repeating the put downs I always had. Totally wrong.

If I am honest I have to admit there is a large part of me that does this (outer critic stuff). I think this might go a way to explaining my social anxiety. In short, if I am always frustrated and angry about having to cooperate with others (which might just mean being around them!) then it stands to reason I will feel some shame about this. Outer critic triggering (?) inner critic. Nice!

Pete Walker gave an example of the outer critic that was enlightening but also scary, something about a toilet roll holder not being hung the right way. Scary because Pete seemed to suggest the particular guy in the example was a no-hoper, which is an attitude I  haven't seen in his book so far.

If I am honest I can say that in my upbringing and background the acceptable way to deal with vulnerability was by fighting.

So, it turns out I may not be the place in the 4 fs I thought I was. There is almost certainly more fight in me than I realise.

I am only just learning about the language. Still in the process of understanding triggering and emotional flashback. They are still brand new terms to me.

I read another post on the board where someone said that to help with this they labelled any unpleasant feelings as an ef. I think I will go with this. Any lingering, unexplained negative state of emotions can be an ef.

Maybe I will learn more and prove myself wrong. That's fine.

[Three Roses]

Maybe I will learn more and prove myself wrong. That's fine.

each of our journeys is highly personal. Do what works for you! 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thanks so much Three Roses 

[SharpAndBlunt]

This is what recovery feels like to me. A gradual lifting of the denial I've been in for so long to be confronted with the reality of my situation and decisions and a despondency about my extreme gloominess!

I hope nobody reads this looking for a feel good story.

Sticking with it because it's better than being falsely optimistic about stuff.

[SharpAndBlunt]

In some ways I don't know why I am writing here.

I think it's because I read posts from others and I recognise so well what people here are experiencing.

Freeze, panic, avoidance. All these 3 are and have been massive in my life.

I can be outwardly normal. Then I can flip. But I suppose everyone here feels that way.

I know it sounds pretty pompous but at least if I leave a record here other people might read it and recognise some things.

I have a massive week coming up for me this week. I plan to disclose a thing I have been hiding for 35+ years. A thing some people might consider irrelevant or water under the bridge.

I've carried this thing. It feels like a hard stone in me. But I'm going to share it. I know it wasn't my fault, I'm not ashamed to tell it. I need another human to tell me I can drop the shame and guilt because I can't do it myself.

The weird thing is I am almost at peace with it. I have had it so long. I think I forgive the person and I think I can understand some things a lot clearer.

But it's a kind of evil. The way this stuff happens. I recognise it and i will do my best to stop it.

If i ever get to a place where i am able to help others that is what I want to do.

I think I may be strong enough to help others after I have made the first steps to deal with it myself.

But who knows? I am saying this now but yesterday thought i was heading for a full breakdown. So much panic. That has left me alone for a bit now.

I even managed to watch a full movie yesterday from beginning to end. My attention span has been so short for so long I usually find even that stressful. I am a complete stress head!

I often read posts in the forum and find so much in common but I am reluctant to join in. Maybe it's because I'm a man? Probably it's because I feel safer in the background. I wish it wasn't like that.

I really envy women. Women seem able to open up emotionally and be social. Most of the men I know are kind of locked in themselves. Massive generalisation there, i know! Sorry.

But I can just put this here and leave it for now. I am praying (I am not religious) that I have the courage to do this thing. I think I will. Once I have decided on something I usually am pretty good.

But I had to have half last week off work because of the old feelings trying to take over. They pretty much did. They are trying to fight me on this 


OK enough of this. If you are reading this and any of it makes sense then please know there is a whole community here to help. If you are like me you might need time to come to terms even with this simple fact. I still can't quite understand what a great thing we have here. It's because i feel i don't deserve it.

Nobody deserves to live in this mindset. It's because of this forum I have finally had the way to understand this. To internalise it.

It takes a lot of time though. Probably years.

But small steps are better than no steps and I totally want to be on the side of anyone experiencing anything remotely like this. I am in spirit but I can't always show it.

SaB.

[SharpAndBlunt]

I finally told another human (in person) what had happened. She agreed it was not normal and it can have an effect. Other than that I am a little bit proud of myself that i was able to walk into that surgery and say that 

I vowed after opening up here a short time ago, which was the first time I had told anyone, I would do this. The replies spurred me on.

I was meant to be seeing a therapist but between the doctor, the psych and myself we have agreed the time might not be right. I found myself at crisis point last Friday and resolved to tell this doctor after speaking on the phone. I will keep the therapy option open and will speak to the psych. directly soon.

[Three Roses]

  cheering you on from the sidelines

[SharpAndBlunt]

Mood swings are being really hard on me now. I hardly got anything done at work today. I feel kind of ok now. Flat. As always. Just an hour ago I was convinced things couldn't get any worse. I really need to get better at recognising my mood and triggers.

I think maybe I have been repressing emotions for too long. Now I'm letting them back in again sometimes it feels like a flood.

I've realised I still feel alone, regardless of my mood. When I'm flat and unaffected I'm ok with it. When I'm feeling things it's like I've woken up to how isolated I feel, how I've made myself. That brings shame feelings with it. I'm learning through reading how to deal with these things and I cope I can learn to cope better. It's just when I'm in the middle of it it feels so overwhelming.

Friday today so lots of rest for me at the weekend. Reading, taking it easy, hopefully not feeling too sharp on myself.

[SharpAndBlunt]

I don't know what to write. I don't feel as stressed as I used to. Anxiety is still present all the time. I'm trying to not let it erupt in to panic attacks, but I had one today.

I'm still trying to educate myself. There is so much to read through. I'm learning a bit at a time. Sometimes it feels the more I learn the more I realise how damaged I am. But I think I'd rather that than live in the dark about it.  I feel a great amount of sympathy for abuse survivors. It's hard to put in to words. I feel also a huge gratitude for the help and kindness of this forum and that it exists at all.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Anxiety and short term thinking are still very prevalent in my life. I tend to think in blocks of hours, not days or weeks or years. Makes decision making and planning difficult. I feel like I last logged in here years ago. It may have been a month or maybe two.

I'm still tough on myself too. Telling myself I have to just grow up.

My NHS therapy appointment finally came through. For Monday.
My recovery has been on a back burner while I cope with the business of living.

I'm very anxious tonight. I like being on my own but when dealing with anxiety it's not so nice.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Got an agreement of cPtsd from the psychologist. Waited 2 years to see that person!

Got an agreement of Ptsd from psychiatrist. Psychologist wants me to persuade the psychiatrist of cPtsd. I'm okay with that but don't know when I will see the psychiatrist again (no appointment scheduled).

Being referred to a 12 week course that might be helpful. No date on that.

Staying off booze and avoiding obviously triggering situations but still struggling with triggering and flashbacks and emotional instability in general. Think maybe my emotions have been stuffed for so long that they are seeping out the cracks. I'm trying to be with them.

Read a wonderful thing this morning "Don't just do something, sit there", which turns the whole well known saying on its head. I think it's a great message for me. Just site there.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Still finding it difficult to sit with feelings instead of avoidance behaviour like I've done up to now.

I feel like I'm always running from something.

Also can't concentrate or settle to a book or movie which is a shame because I like them a lot.

All this awareness not greatly serving me so far but I have to stick with it. The loneliness is the worst bit but I know it will get better if I stick at it and try to make friends slowly.

My emotions are all over the place and a big day memory wise tomorrow but I'm still here plugging away.