SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you 

[SharpAndBlunt]

I found myself in a family situation today. I couldn't avoid it because my sister is visiting but anyway I thought it would be OK.

But at some point I was talking and I said something and my b/i/l made a stupid and to my mind kind of lurid and disgusting joke. This joke had a sexual element concerning another brother in law and 2 close female friends of mine. Everybody there starts laughing. I felt a) like again everyone was laughing at me for something I just hadn't seen coming, a stupid play on words that I failed to predict the impact if someone decided to make something of that particular combination of words that I hadn't thought of in advance. Once again left as the stupid one who never sees what he says. Failed once more for failing to censor my words in advance to stave off any potential attack. Shaming and kind of humiliating.

b) I then slightly lashed out at maybe the weakest person in the room, not the originator of the comment. I now feel ashamed of that. Double win.

All so someone can get a cheap laugh out of a tawdry comment about 3 people who I care about and value. (and who weren't there to defend themselves).

All 'innocent' enough but now I feel so angry that I have been put in that situation again. I felt really dirty about it. Now, I'm thinking I am the one with the problem. Everyone else laughs it up haha.

I left soon after and didn't want to be around that.

Maybe it's because I had a truly stressful day, (something unrelated but truly deep and sad, that they didn't know about).

But I think the effect is the same anyway. To make a joke like that. I wish I had called it out. But I just felt again my old role as the mascot, to be laughed at and down sized.

Ugh. Getting kind of mad about it.

Well, now I know how this type of humour can be so damaging. I've done a lot of work since I used to be exposed to this kind of uneasy humour so now I recognise it better and why I find it inappropriate. Maybe in future I can react better next time I am blindsided like that. I couldn't really expect any help from anyone there - awareness is close to zero on stuff like this. I'm not ready to be the leader on this, I've tried before and not framed it well enough and been disparaged for it. I tend to want to avoid instead. For the time being. Maybe I'll get better able to call this kind of rubbish when I see it.

[Not Alone]

Seems to me that the shame belongs to b/i/l. You are not responsible for where their minds went. Awful to feel laughed at down sized. I think leaving was a good way for you to take care of yourself.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you, I'm kind of encouraged that I have seen this and not sat and accepted it. It feels kind of sad because to me it's needless and it's obviously the way the dynamic is in this branch of my family. Right now I'm at least in a place where I can leave that behind, but I'm still a bit sad about it overall 

[Three Roses]

Walking away like that is powerful. It sends a clear message I think. Good for you!  If everyone did as you did there would be better attitudes toward hurtful comments disguised as humor. It's natural that you're sad about this situation... hope your bil can catch a clue. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thanks, it would be nice if he did but knowing him a long time now I won't hold my breath   

[SharpAndBlunt]

Today I'm back on anti depressants. First day. Sertraline 50mg. It has been - hmm I need to check - since I came off Mirtazapine cold turkey. Maybe 2 years. Not sure. Could be a year.

I'm worried about losing something by going back on ssris. But I'm not sure what. It's not like I'm really doing very well off of it. My feelings are hard to access and process and I feel cut off from life and myself. No joy.

So, the doc and nurse think the best chance of success for me to get well is to combine pills with therapy. I'm finally in line to see someone but it's taking ages.

I feel, rightly or wrongly, that agreeing to try Sertraline will allow me to move up in the queue. I have a horrible sneaking feeling I am jumping through hoops to get to the psychologist. But, if that's what I have to do, I will.

I had an interesting experience with a different prescription drug (not mine) that I might post about, if I can find an appropriate place to do so.

I'll be seeing the nurse again in 3 weeks to review how this thing is working initially.

[Hope67]

  to you SaB, if that's ok.  Changing your meds will hopefully work out, but whatever happens, know we're supporting you    Glad that you are finally in line to see someone, and I hope you get to see them soon.
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thanks Hope. I still have big issues with trust. I swing between openness and paranoia. I'm hoping the medicine will steady that and help me stay on the right side. I'm hoping I trust enough to post here when I need to.

[Tee]

  I hope it will help and get you to the next step.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you Tee, that's what it seems to be about right now. Little steps 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Started a course of anti depressants on Friday, sertraline, I thought it would be easy but, blam, have been in bed the last four days. Felt really shaky and head was doing somersaults. I had to take two unplanned sick days from work yesterday and today because there's no way I could have worked in that state. I'll go back tomorrow.

The upside is that when I'm having negative thoughts I'm able to put them aside a bit, and my anxiety is reduced to a level where I'm able to relax a little bit.

I don't know why I was so sensitive to the chemistry changes. Maybe it's because I don't drink alcohol or caffiene, don't smoke or take any other drugs.

Was pretty intense though. It says on the advice a week to two to feel a difference but that's not the case with me.

It will be interesting to see how I fare back in the world. I went out for a short walk today, far shorter than normal because I'm tired. I felt more 'normal' but also really fragile, like I might break down at any moment. I remember feeling like this a lot, might explain why I'm prone to disassociation as defence.

I'll just have to take this one day at a time. I feel a bit more grounded which is great. My reaction to work stress will be telling. I am also trying not to feel embarrassment at how I was in the last few weeks. I think I mostly masked it well but I was really ropey and getting worse. Overall right now I'm glad I took the decision to take this medication.

[Tee]

  my T thinks I should go on something for a while. I'm afraid for a couple of reasons one I don't think it will actually do anything because nothiny really affects me at all. Alcohol doesn't even have an affect on me.  Or two what if it does and makes everything worse.

Hope things level out for you

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi Tee,

The psychiatrist had been suggesting for months I try it. But as I only see him once every three months for an hour at a time it was easy for me to dismiss the idea. I too was afraid of what it might do, do nothing or make things worse.

What I hope it is doing for me is, to be able to isolate emotions and where they're coming from. Time will tell if that's something that's going to continue. That alone would make it worth it for me since normally I am just a big confusion, not knowing where emotions are coming from or why.

Big  to you, I know it's not an easy decision, and there is here, whatever you do.

[SharpAndBlunt]

I just want to post quickly about my experience with Sertraline (I think it's known as Zoloft in the US).

The first four days I was floored. I felt like I had a fever and I had headaches and shaky.

I'm back at work now. It has been a week. I'm feeling on quite shaky ground. But maybe this is an improvement over the certainty of denial / depression whatever we call it.

It's scary though. I don't know how people live feeling this level of emotion all the time. But, I am thinking they're probably not trying to process the same kind of stuff that I am (I'm talking just about people in general here, not on the forum).

I feel I had some insights last night when I was woken up unexpectedly. I am still shaky from them though I feel it is important for me to have them in mind.

But, it's quite a strange experience. I wasn't warned that emotions would come flooding back. Maybe that is just me. But it might be something for people to be aware of if they are thinking of this.

I'm not yet in therapy so I'm trying to hold on to the good side of feeling without freaking out too much about the bad feelings and insights and memories. It's like having a different perspective is nice but it's also challenging my ingrained way of coping.

I want to change the title of this journal too or maybe start another one but that is definitely for another day.