SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment

[Hope67]

HI SharpAndBlunt,
I was struck by your description of being 'locked inside' and that you thought that was such a weakness.  I wondered if perhaps it's a strength of sorts, i.e. that you're protecting yourself - I hope you don't mind my saying that, it was just a thought that came to my mind as I read what you wrote.  I think you have really been insightful in the things you're saying.
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you Hope, I had never thought of it as a strength before. It feels like a last resort but maybe it is a strength in a way.

I'm realising how far out I can get with this. Today I'm thankful for the weekend and rest. I'm grateful I can still function, mostly 

[SharpAndBlunt]

TW mental distress

I'm really tense and trembling. And cold.

This weekend I spent mostly in a scared state. It scares me because it reminds me of the past. I would either drink or act out or do something else to distract from the pain.

It starts to build and my mind fights itself then I get too tense and I start to tremble, like now.

I spent a lot of the weekend under the duvet on the couch but still not feeling safe. Is this an ef I wonder.

I have been picking up things on this forum about 'parts'. I wonder if it is a scared child part in control right now. The scary thing is I can still present as ok at work even though I feel terrified inside.

I'm tired of fighting and I want to understand but it seems like such a long losing battle, and lonely too. I am coming to believe I will never be 'better'. But there has to be a better state than this.

Old behaviours like outer critic, self blaming, self hating and ideas of harm will re assert if i can't manage this.

The breathing exercises help and I am clinging on to that.

There must be something or things hugely emotional underneath that are breaking me this way.

I have picked up that different 'parts' may have different desires, fears and goals. This is something I need to learn more about because it is too easy for me to think I'm insane this way. Like I was just laughing and joking with my colleague but I am right on the ledge. Is this just what being an adult is about? My fears around intimacy and abandonment create a really toxic and isolating mix of traits. I wish I could snap out of it.

[Wattlebird]

Hi s&b
I'm sorry u have to go thru this, your not crazy (as my t keeps reassuring me).
That dissociation book helped (and is continuing to help me understand my seemingly irrational response to seemingly harmless situations, one time I ran out of a room in utter panic when someone started singing, I could see what I was doing, knew it was irrational but could not control the panic and terror I felt, it's just one eg of many that convinced me I was losing my marbles.
But this book described my experiences and is teaching me how to better overcome them, once I realised what was going on mentally for me, the responses weren't as scary, the not knowing, really is just as bad as the symptoms, it demoralises and makes you scared of your self. I was just so relieved to understand myself better.
Hope has a book by the same authors and has been summarising chapters in the book section, it's very similar, I'm not sure if you have read her posts or not.
Anyway I want to reassure u and send a big hug if that ok, 
Wb

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thanks Wb, that really helps 

What you wrote about triggers and flashbacks sounds just like me. People have thought I am crazy and / or scary and i get remorseful and shameful feelings afterward, even though I know it's not my fault. (Often I haven't even done anything. It's mystifying). Untangling the self blame and recrimination is so hard at first. I'm looking forward to getting more of a handle on these. I plan to work through the book but i need to be careful and go slow so as not to overwhelm myself.

I have started to read Hope's reviews, at least I have read one of them now. I was afraid to read about them because 'parts' work is so new and also kind of scary but I do seem to recognise what is going on there. It is very interesting. 

[Hope67]

  to you SharpAndBlunt, if that's ok. 
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Yes, thank you Hope 

[Three Roses]

People have thought I am crazy and / or scary and i get remorseful and shameful feelings afterward, even though I know it's not my fault. (Often I haven't even done anything. It's mystifying).

This is also my experience. Sometimes it's for my facial expressions when I think I'm just having a regular ol' face! I can definitely relate to what must be your confused reaction. Hugs ok? 

[Wattlebird]

Ow yeah, I get that too 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you Three Roses and Wattlebird. I'm sorry you have to feel that way too sometimes even though it's a comfort for me to know it's not just me.

I've been kind of zoned out the last few days and haven't done anything with 'recovery'. I plan to make a post later about something that happened yesterday because I feel ok about how I dealt with it.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Tw: maybe, general description of confrontation

Something happened on Sunday that I want to post about. I'm keeping it in very general terms. I want to post because of the amount of triggers in it for me.

First of all, I made a mistake. Not a mistake that caused any damage. But it  may have (very mildly) disturbed some animals for a very short time. I didn't do anything but merely by being there.

I love animals and had made a decision based on what to do to minimise any discomfort to them (walking near them)

I took a path furthest from them and encountered a person who was immediately defensive, aggressive and intimating. I was a bit scared and wanted just to pass through. I coughed so that they were not startled then I gave a small wave and and a quick smile. I was challenged by the person in a non friendly and aggressive way and I said I just wanted to pass through.

Without giving me a chance to explain the person immediately started berating my intelligence and character. The person had made a few incorrect assumptions at that point. One that I was deliberately ignoring signs (they made an incorrect assumption about the direction I came from) and two that I was out to do some harm to them or their property. I absolutely was not.

I took a wrong turn while trying to do the right thing and I was very aggressively threatened without being given the space to express my side. I accept I was in the wrong place.

Being more assertive might have helped but I'm not sure, this person was clearly having a very bad day and I was a way for them to let off steam.

I felt very belittled and a bit scared and I did resort to a bit of cheek to a rhetorical question. I hate bullies and will stand up to them even if it puts me in danger.

But I was very shaken and I couldn't sleep that night. The scary thing was being reminded of how often this feeling happened to me as a child. I often was severely berated and didn't know why, often even when I was trying to do the right thing.

I was worried that I am addicted to that adrenaline of the fight. But I am not. I didn't seek it out and I hated it.

I hate that I have been conditioned to believe that I am worthless and stupid and wrong.

I hope there's nothing in here that's identifiable (that's my hypervigilance talking) but I don't think that there is. A small incident that blew up, it bothers me that things can get out of control so quickly.

I did read the person's social media afterward and there are lies by them to cover themselves (I could have involved the police over the threats). I wonder if they truly believe those? I could be angry about it but I'm not. I accept I had a part to play. The almost bragging and lies from the other party are almost sad, I don't think I can really get annoyed about it. They obviously feel very insecure about something in their life.

I feel a bit vulnerable posting this in case I am revealing something horrible about myself.

I never wanted to cause any trouble or damage but I was strongly attacked. This feeling of being a victim. It's horrible. My childhood felt like that. I don't want my adulthood to feel like that too. Until I process my way out of there it has opened a whole can of worms.

A different kind of worry than my usual but related too.
Maybe I am over blowing this. But I felt really powerless and threatened. So, I don't think it's nothing.

[Libby183]

Hi Sharpandblunt.

I understand everything you say. I often seem to find myself in situations like these. A few months ago, my dog was attacked by another dog, but we were blamed. It was very traumatic and triggering. I am sure you are right to link it back to childhood, where we were always to blame. It must be why we find it so hard to get over things.

I know it is easier said than done, but I can't see that you did anything wrong at all. I don't know, but I suspect most people can get over these threat situations quickly. But I feel for you and understand.

I don't think you behaved wrongly in any way and I hope you can look after yourself. I avoid social media (except for here). It seems as if it is difficult to navigate without emotion.

Take care of yourself.

Libby.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi Libby,

Thanks. These kind of situations are so horrible. Probably they are worse for us because of the memories and feelings they trigger. I'm so sorry you and your dog were attacked. It must have been horrible for you both.

I also read your post this morning Libby and I'm so sorry you are having the difficulties you are right now, and to have to cope with a broken wrist on top of that. I would like you to know that you have my thoughts and best wishes and if you want it a big too.

SaB

[Libby183]

That big virtual hug is truly appreciated. I am staying with my daughter, and she is helping me, when she isn't at work.  I have left my dog with my stbxH and sons. Didn't have a choice but am missing her so much.

It's so hard to stay positive but these positive interactions really do help.

Take care.

[SharpAndBlunt]

I've been wondering whether to take a break from the forum but I think its not the right thing.

I've been feeling quite 'far away' from my cptsd symptoms and much closer to my depression symptoms.

This isn't all bad. I tend to feel less anxious. But on the downside I feel physically exhausted and mentally drained and really disconnected.

I wish I could get to a place where I feel engaged and content with things and I also wish I could stop questioning myself why I can't 'just do that'.

I think I want to find some forgiveness in myself for past hurts. At least I am aware of that now. I've had so much negation of that desire from others and myself over the years it's hard to believe it's possible.

I also worry that I'm spending too much time on this healing. I'm so tired right now it is not leaving much space for more than just surviving.