SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment

[SharpAndBlunt]

Today I'm feeling disappointed again in the health service 

I managed to get two appointments and had two cancelled with the psychologist. 2 years it took. I received a letter today telling me the person is moving on so that is over. I'm being referred to another course. Sigh. 'Some people find it is enough'.

The psychologist and psychiatrist agree
it is complex trauma.

I am kind of angry at the state of the NHS and the country in general. It seems to me this Brexit is taking all the energy and I'm sad about the state of the NHS. We all pay taxes all our lives to fund this.

Even when the professionals agree it seems there just aren't the resources to take cptsd seriously.

I feel quite abandoned and invalidated again, like I have felt all my life. 'Stiff upper lip' or 'Keep calm and carry on'. Attitudes that might serve well in life but not with cptsd.

I want to scream and shout, not keep calm and carry on. I want to throw chairs through windows (in case anyone is reading this I have never done this!)..

I will go at their pace and continue educating myself. I believe that for me, reading in books is no substitute for face to face contact with a professional who knows the territory.

I think it is time for me to think of going private. Being previously kind of socially opposed to private health care (a very personal viewpoint and not meant to be a statement of any kind) I was kind of resistant, but sadly I now recognise the NHS is not fit for purpose in this respect and it might be time to acknowledge that and move on.

If I lived in another county I would just get health insurance, book the therapist, and get started.

SaB

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
Sorry that you've had those disappointing responses from the health service - and I can understand that you feel some sense of abandonment and invalidation about that - I think I would as well in that situation.  Just wanted to send you a hug of support   
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you Hope 

It is another step, I guess, on the road. Every step has to be a learning experience. Thanks for the hug. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

4am and I woke up, from what had been it felt like a good and comfortable sleep. This is quite common these days.

Felt like, my brain pounding on my door as I slept. "Wake up, wake up, time to get up. There's important stuff for you to be dealing with out here."!

Trouble is, as soon as I awake, all awareness of that 'stuff' just recedes away, quickly and quietly.

It leaves me feeling like this. Kind of uncertain and alone and unsure of what it is I'm meant to do. Helpless you might call it I suppose. I don't know. I'm used to it. I also feel wired, like maybe the adrenalin is or was up.

I sometimes wonder if hypnosis is a way to access these inner states my concious mind is scared of. Because I can't access them when I'm awake and I can't do anything with it when I'm asleep. So there's kind of like a sleep/waking battle in my mind. But like 2 sides of a coin they can never meet.

I don't know. When I think this way sometimes it's just nonsense. Middle of the night stuff. But it's so constant. It means something. There's something I need to learn.

SaB

[SharpAndBlunt]

Went for a walk in nature with a friend today. That was really nice. But felt a bit guilty because I didn't feel as 'present' as I would like to have been, like I wasn't paying enough attention.

But I don't think this is really a problem. More a symptom of how I have been feeling.

All weekend I have been feeling exhausted but unable to relax. It feels kind I am avoiding something. I can't for the life of me fix this right now. I might try to find a guided meditation online.

I came to lie down for a nap after the walk but instantly my mind is churning and the adrenaline is up. I'm really tired of getting like this.

[SharpAndBlunt]

I did a couple of guided meditations and they really helped. I had convinced myself that I wasn't feeling good enough to even do a guided mediation.  But, if I can't even lie in comfort and listen to something for half an hour, what hope do I have?

This is how hard I am on myself.

I recognise the symptoms I struggle with e. g. perfectionism, black and white thinking, disocciation, low self esteem and more. But though I recognise that these are things I suffer with I find it almost impossible to apply that knowledge. Almost like, "Yeah, I recognise those are issues but they can't possibly apply to me".

I think I have just described denial.

So this journal is useful because the act of putting things here allows an opportunity for reflection. I'm just learning to make time for myself to do these things. Again, denial made it all too easy in the past to kind of think "Yeah, yeah, I know all that." That's dangerous thinking for me because it will lead me down some dark roads.

Also thinking a little bit about "recovery". Specifically about how bad I have felt for so long. I tend to think about recovery as a process toward feeling better. It is, it must be, in a healthy way. But, it must be about more than feeling better too. Because I realise that feeling better can be at the expense of others' feelings. Not in an obviously abusive way, (I hope), but more, for me, I feel, about slipping back in to comfortable old roles and habits.

I can't really go in to details but those roles, although they maybe feel "comfortable" to me, I know instinctively they are not serving me, or others around me, more they are serving to perpetuate disfunction in my life.

This is what I think is meant by recovery. Not just to feel better, but to be healthy! (I'm smiling right now because I am thinking of a member here who's name is Be Healthy!)

I realise this is tough and will be probably life long in terms of needing work. And I will need people around me who also realise that this stuff needs constant work. And even then it won't be easy!

So... Yeah, recovery. It's long term and it's difficult but it is worth it. Maybe the only thing that is worth it.

Last thing I think I will write about is that I have been thinking that I don't like the username I chose much. I would prefer it was something a bit less blunt! A lot of members have positive names. But, I think it does reflect what I can be like, sometimes. Maybe it's a good reminder for me. I don't think I'll change it yet, in any case. In fact, I'm not sure if it can even be changed. I guess it's not the most important thing right now. But it had been on my mind.

[Hope67]

I'm just learning to make time for myself to do these things.

So... Yeah, recovery. It's long term and it's difficult but it is worth it. Maybe the only thing that is worth it.

Hi SaB - for some reason I was thinking 'SensitiveandBrave' when I thought of you - rather than SharpandBlunt, but this is only because you were thinking about your name, and somehow when I wrote the letters SaB I thought of some words to represent those letters relating to my idea of you - which I realise may be not necessarily apt, but it is what came to my mind.  My apologies, as I feel I probably shouldn't have done that - but I'm sharing what was in my mind.  What I wanted to say is that I admired the fact you were able to do those Guided Meditations despite how you were feeling, and that you did that for yourself. 

Wishing you the best, and I agree that Recovery is difficult but it is worth it - I believe that too.   

Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

  Hi, Hope! Thanks, for sharing, and for your kind words.

[Wattlebird]

I like your name
Denial and recovery don't always mix well, but you seem to be well aware of your issues with them both so I believe you will get there, just little by little and progress slowly accumulates before you know it. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you Wattlebird, that means a lot   

I haven't been on the board for ages. I'm not sure why and I don't feel strong enough to look at that right now... 

This morning I'm feeling very vulnerable. I think part of giving up control is allowing others to be who they are and allowing myself to see them honestly.

Without going in to too much detail I realise I am not in a happy place with my bosses at work.

But, I don't know how much of this is my issue, do do with authority figures, feeling like a victim and their issues, denial, neglect, selfishness.

Why should I be happy just because someone else has worked their life to suit themselves? With me in the engine room working hard for it. I'm also working to pay my own bills, of course, but it feels like overall I am funding others' lifestyle.

Maybe I'm just having a bad morning. I did wake feeling very sad and tired this morning. But yeah, recovery seems hard when the truth is often not that nice. People acting like they're nice when they're anything but... Grrr  Constant talk and gossip

My own history leads me to believe it is probably me who is at fault. So I will stay quiet and blame myself for feeling like this, even though it is other people quite clearly acting totally selfishly...I'm sad about this, but a little bit of me is heartened that I can at least attempt to see the situation a little differently, progress and recovery must be working a bit.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Yesterday was a bad day for reasons I don't understand but I felt I fell again in to the role of a victim.

Today is going to be better. Although I am aware that there are people in my life I can't avoid who have behaviours I don't care for I have learned not to dwell in this.

The only course I have open to me is to maintain awareness of my own behaviour, keep my integrity, try and stay positive and look ahead. I understand I have a role in every relationship.

But, I still will refuse (for the time being at least) to engage with those who I feel don't know or don't respect boundaries or don't understand they're important.

I can't feel triggered by such people but I still do, greatly. I will try to learn to manage that better. I can handle it when I'm feeling OK but when I'm already feeling down that's when the old patterns and negativity start to kick in.

At least I am aware of it. Hopefully I can use that awareness to make better choices everyday.

[Three Roses]

  I found this inspiring, thanks for posting.

[Wattlebird]

Hi sharpandblunt
Sounds like you've been on a bit of a roller coaster lately sorry you're going through these realisations, just a little advice if you don't mind me butting in,
Be careful not to let others take advantage of you, not everything is going to be your fault. I made this mistake after a similar situation and ended up thinking everything was my fault. So thought I'd just pass that on.
Best wishes

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thanks guys. I'm still here. I'm trying to work out what's up at the moment.

I think maybe I'm stuffing a lot and going back to my old attitude of 'nothing can be done'.

The difference is this time it's kind of making me more aware that something is going on that I have to address.

So I'm hopeful about that.

Thanks for the support. I want check in again when I have more to say. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

I'm still feeling a bit stuck so I have nothing much to say.

I drank alcohol last night though for the first time in ages.

I feel guilt and shame about it and I'm trying not to give myself a hard home.

I am wondering right now if I feel deep feelings of shame and self loathing because of alcohol or if it is only tiredness and the hangover lifting the veil on those feelings which I think are deep rooted and with me all the time.

I believe they are always with me. I put a lot of energy in to 'making myself feel better' by achieving things, be it at work, in my flat, or just by feeling virtuous about 'not drinking'.

I feel maybe on a border and it's about giving up control. But I don't understand it so it's scary and I will probably disassociate again and 'deal with it' that way. I'll get over this hangover and I will try to keep chipping away at the literature.

I'll try to be kind to myself while I'm trying to get out of this deep depression.