SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
It's good that you've felt some sense of self, and that you're content keeping that sense of connection to yourself.  Standing with you, if that's ok 
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi Hope, yes that is definitely okay 

Thank you 

[SharpAndBlunt]

My inability to deal with my trauma and grief has left me an adult child. Using any avoidant behaviour I could to avoid responsibility.

This is a deep deep source of shame to me. I was a very responsible person until late adolescence. I had big dreams and plans that came to nothing because I couldn't go through with them.

I'm trapped in what seems like nowhere with no plan, no prospects, and still, an insurmountable fear of just being and thinking! I will do any thing to avoid it. This has been my plea for so long. I can't cope. I'm not ashamed to admit it. But, the world doesn't pause. There is no place in society for a person like me. I must be wrong about this. This must be stinking thinking. I am so utterly sick of this battle between self pity and optimism. I know that everything in my life can be laid at my door. What a way to exist, to go through life alone. I feel that this is not a very self aware journal entry. More a desperate desire to express and hopefully let evaporate the strong grief that ties me to myself.

[Blueberry]

Sounds like an EF. There is a place on here for you SharpAndBlunt, even or especially in an EF.

[Three Roses]

I agree with Blueberry, that sounds like an EF. BTW EFs can last a very long time! In case you need it, here's a link to Pete Walker's site where he writes about EFs and how to combat them. Standing with you! 

http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

[SharpAndBlunt]

Guys, thank you 

Isn't it one thing, to learn and read about EFs and other symptoms, and another to find yourself, slap bang, right in the middle of one.

It is such a comfort to hear that an EF is what it was / is. I am always suprised how little insight I have in to my own emotions.

This was a really strong one. I now on reflection know it was probably triggered by the recent loss of my much loved pet. I am quite bad at putting two and two together. It took until this morning and your help. I read your posts, then, I slowly and deliberately thought, "What could have caused this?".

It seems almost impossible to think that I could not have connected these. But, get on and get by was always my way. Not good.

I want to put some effort in to 'joining the dots'. Man, if I can learn how to deal with these..

Just in general it has been hard to deal with these EFs not knowing what they are. They can last a long time. Sometimes mine last weeks.

But even since I have been learning about them I never connected them emotionally to myself. I have tried explaining them many many times over the years, with no success. Usually the attempts ended in basically humiliation. Thanks to all you guys for being here. 

Three Roses I will definitely be reading that section over the weekend. I have the book and I want to start again with it. I will start at that section.

I want to go on but I will just say thanks again atm. 

[Not Alone]

Isn't it one thing, to learn and read about EFs and other symptoms, and another to find yourself, slap bang, right in the middle of one.

It is like holding on to a twig to stay on the ground in the middle of a huge tornado. 

It seems almost impossible to think that I could not have connected these.

You DID make the connection. Please give yourself credit for that. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thanks notalone, I did. I needed help, then I made it. That's such a nice realisation. 

[Blueberry]

It seems almost impossible to think that I could not have connected these.

You DID make the connection. Please give yourself credit for that. 

fwiw, I still sometimes don't notice for a good few days that I'm in an EF. It's part of the nature of the thing. ime the more I notice, the better and faster I get at noticing the next times, but sometimes I slip up again.

  on the loss of your pet. Was usually devastatingly triggering for me too.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Yes, Blueberry. My habit of coping with disassociation, makes it difficult for me to see these things coming and to recognise them. I'm going to work on both those gaps in my perception.

Thanks for the hugs. Grief is really difficult. My little furry friend was such a companion to me over the years. I didn't live in the same house as him for the last couple of years. But I was able to spend time with him before he went. I'm glad of that. 

[Hope67]

Hi SharpandBlunt,
My condolences to you regarding your furry friend.   
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thanks Hope 

[woodsgnome]

  ...for your turn into grieving your furry friend.

I've had so many who left their mark with me; still have one furry roommate (actually lying on my arm as I type this into the 'puter).

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you woodsgnome. The critical parent in me, even now, is telling me "Don't be stupid, it was only a cat". I am learning to disregard that critical voice and listen to my own instead.

The cat was intuitive and emotional. We had so much give and take. He was a rescue and had so much love to give. He used to do that thing too. He would lie on my arms when I was working from home and trying to type! We eventually worked out a little system. (Fresh cup of tea and my notes nearby meant we could eventually sit like that easily for an hour or two). 

Thank you. I'm so glad for you that you have your roommate. One day I will have another, just not quite yet 

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
Your cat sounds so lovely - I relate to what you've said - as I also had a very warm and loving relationship with a cat once in my life - he meant such a lot to me, and I don't think I've grieved the loss of him - but when I've read the words you shared about your relationship with your cat, it helped me to process some of my own emotions about my cat.  I hope you don't mind my sharing that, but I really feel I relate to what you're saying.  It was many years ago that I had him in my life, and I've not felt able to get another animal.  I know you said you may have another some time, when you are ready.  Sending you a hug 
Hope