SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi Hope,

It really means a lot to me, the time I had with my cat, and it sounds like your time you spent with yours does too.

There were times when the cat was so emotionally intuitive, he could seem to tell when I needed him.

If it makes you feel better, I can say it helped me greatly to grieve for him. I know too that my former partner misses him terribly and is grieving him too.

It's amazing the comfort and love these little guys can bring! I think they each have a unique personality.

Thanks for sharing your experience with your cat 

SaB 

[Hope67]

  to you SaB
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thanks Hope, always appreciated.

TW below, feelings of hopelessness

I'm in the middle of a slump. I'm feeling really raw and low and I don't want to do anything or be in the world. I don't know how it can be so easy for people to go through life and enjoy it. I know it's not easy. I just wish I wasn't alone.

Is it better to feel this way, or to disassociate and distract? Those seem to be my options. My heart says it is better to feel. But it hurts, and I'm not well, I can't be if I feel like this.

Distracting is the only thing that keeps me going. All these things I've learned about abuse and control. I still think it's my problem, I'm ashamed to feel bad.

I'm so glad it's acceptable to feel bad in this forum. In life it seems to be a taboo. I feel weird and little. Trying to let the feelings out by crying but I can only do a little before I clam up.

Hoping to feel better soon.

[Three Roses]

Feeling little is a sign I'm in an EF. Don't know if that's true for you.

I'm glad this is a place that can accept and support us when we're low. It is rare. Here's a if you want one.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you Three Roses,

Yes please, a  is good.

I think I am in an Ef. Feeling little and weird, like I did when I was a child.

So appreciative of this place.

[Blueberry]

  from me too.  for reaching out. EFs do pass. Hard to remember when in the middle of one, I know. Though of course you're welcome on here any time, EF or no EF.

[Not Alone]

SharpAndBlunt,
Hearing how down and discouraged you are. Difficult feelings. Hope you feel warmth and caring in this hug. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thanks Blueberry and notalone   

Blueberry, I now accept that I am welcome here (thanks) and it took a little / long time for me to truly accept that. Realising that it is finally safe to express my true feelings is not coming easy. But I'm working on that.

notalone yes I am feeling your hug, and I am sending one back to you  . Thank you.


This morning my big ef from yesterday is subsiding a little bit. This is good news. However, I am aware that adrenaline is waiting to rush in, to provide a fight / flight response, if I will let it. This is the cycle I'm trying to break.

The fight / flight adrenaline will protect me from feeling hurt but that is not what I want. That old response was never really what I wanted, but it used to be all I had.

But now I want to stay with my feelings and work with them. There are some changes to make in my life but blindly moving on to the next 'thing' won't help.

I'm hoping I can maintain the kind of self awareness that this life requires. The are a million and one ways to lose my way. It really hurts to be alone. That is my truth. I also know it's not healthy to have attachment issues. There's the difficult part I'm trying not to get in a new mess over. I guess a lot of people struggle with this. I'll leave it there for now. Thanks so much for support 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Saw a psychiatrist today who offered me a course of anti depressants because says I am showing major signs of a depressive episode. Or was it signs of a major depressive episode. Lol. I can't remember.

I declined because I've been on anti depressants before and all they did was have a mild disassociative effect with no noticeable improvement in mood.

I said I'd think about it though because I don't want to dismiss it out of hand. I'm so tired now though as had to come to work and now I just want to go home. I know that I have to dig up the emotions and memories but was also warned about doing this by myself by the psych. who thinks it might be inadvisable or possibly impossible. The psych might be right but at this point I don't feel I have any other option so on I will go with it. There was some understanding there and it was not an unpleasant meeting but I am tired and giving up on the pace of the NHS and more or less said that.

On top of it all I still doubt that there is anything wrong with me at all, that I just need to 'get over it'. Ho hum, business as usual! Maybe people are right and spending so much time analysing my feelings and dysfunctions are not serving me. Maybe they are wrong. Something is not working, that's about all I know for sure.

[Three Roses]

Imo, the only thing not working for us is the health care system. But awareness seems to be growing, and hopefully this will mean better treatment options for us. CPTSD is an injury, not an illness. It's not in how we think (although our thinking can influence it), it's in our physical brains.

I'm going in for a meds eval soon, and am looking forward to discussing new medications with my pcp. There are many newer, more efficacious meds on the market these days. Good luck to you, and I will take some of that luck, too! 

[SharpAndBlunt]

It does feel like I had to persuade this psych again about cptsd. Before he had agreed with a previous assessment diagnosed by a psychologist. But he seemed to have forgotten, or hoped I might forget about it. I don't know. He seems to be slightly steering me away from it. Maybe because he knows they can't treat it (yet). It's really all guesswork on my part. The system moves slowly and I get the impression they don't agree amongst themselves a lot of the time.

I was offered Sertraline. I should search the forum to see if there's any opinions on it here (taking into account alternate names possibly in the u. s.) and maybe have a think about it.

Thanks for the luck Three Roses and wishing you a good portion back to you. I would be interested to hear if anything effective comes up for you 

SaB

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thinking about my last post I thought it might sound a bit negative. I'm trying to take it all in and my brain tends to be quite active after an appointment like that. I am grateful, very grateful, to the NHS and the services they offer. I'm also grateful too for the space available here to vent or join in when I can. Looking forward overall.

[Three Roses]

 

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
I just wanted to pop by and offer you a gentle hug   
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi Hope, thank you, I really appreciate that