SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment

  • 49 Replies
  • 891 Views
*

SharpAndBlunt

  • Member
  • 112
    • View Profile
Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #45 on: February 14, 2019, 08:56:13 AM »
Today I'm feeling disappointed again in the health service  :Idunno:

I managed to get two appointments and had two cancelled with the psychologist. 2 years it took. I received a letter today telling me the person is moving on so that is over. I'm being referred to another course. Sigh. 'Some people find it is enough'.

The psychologist and psychiatrist agree
 it is complex trauma.

I am kind of angry at the state of the NHS and the country in general. It seems to me this Brexit is taking all the energy and I'm sad about the state of the NHS. We all pay taxes all our lives to fund this.

Even when the professionals agree it seems there just aren't the resources to take cptsd seriously.

I feel quite abandoned and invalidated again, like I have felt all my life. 'Stiff upper lip' or 'Keep calm and carry on'. Attitudes that might serve well in life but not with cptsd.

I want to scream and shout, not keep calm and carry on. I want to throw chairs through windows (in case anyone is reading this I have never done this!)..

I will go at their pace and continue educating myself. I believe that for me, reading in books is no substitute for face to face contact with a professional who knows the territory.

I think it is time for me to think of going private. Being previously kind of socially opposed to private health care (a very personal viewpoint and not meant to be a statement of any kind) I was kind of resistant, but sadly I now recognise the NHS is not fit for purpose in this respect and it might be time to acknowledge that and move on.

If I lived in another county I would just get health insurance, book the therapist, and get started.

SaB

*

Hope67

  • Member
  • 1349
    • View Profile
Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #46 on: February 15, 2019, 07:03:44 PM »
Hi SaB,
Sorry that you've had those disappointing responses from the health service - and I can understand that you feel some sense of abandonment and invalidation about that - I think I would as well in that situation.  Just wanted to send you a hug of support  :hug: 
Hope  :)

*

SharpAndBlunt

  • Member
  • 112
    • View Profile
Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #47 on: February 16, 2019, 04:30:06 AM »
Thank you Hope  :)

It is another step, I guess, on the road. Every step has to be a learning experience. Thanks for the hug.  :hug:

*

SharpAndBlunt

  • Member
  • 112
    • View Profile
Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #48 on: February 16, 2019, 04:46:48 AM »
4am and I woke up, from what had been it felt like a good and comfortable sleep. This is quite common these days.

Felt like, my brain pounding on my door as I slept. "Wake up, wake up, time to get up. There's important stuff for you to be dealing with out here."!

Trouble is, as soon as I awake, all awareness of that 'stuff' just recedes away, quickly and quietly.

It leaves me feeling like this. Kind of uncertain and alone and unsure of what it is I'm meant to do. Helpless you might call it I suppose. I don't know. I'm used to it. I also feel wired, like maybe the adrenalin is or was up.

I sometimes wonder if hypnosis is a way to access these inner states my concious mind is scared of. Because I can't access them when I'm awake and I can't do anything with it when I'm asleep. So there's kind of like a sleep/waking battle in my mind. But like 2 sides of a coin they can never meet.

I don't know. When I think this way sometimes it's just nonsense. Middle of the night stuff. But it's so constant. It means something. There's something I need to learn.

SaB

*

SharpAndBlunt

  • Member
  • 112
    • View Profile
Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #49 on: February 17, 2019, 06:07:36 PM »
Went for a walk in nature with a friend today. That was really nice. But felt a bit guilty because I didn't feel as 'present' as I would like to have been, like I wasn't paying enough attention.

But I don't think this is really a problem. More a symptom of how I have been feeling.

All weekend I have been feeling exhausted but unable to relax. It feels kind I am avoiding something. I can't for the life of me fix this right now. I might try to find a guided meditation online.

I came to lie down for a nap after the walk but instantly my mind is churning and the adrenaline is up. I'm really tired of getting like this.