SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment

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Hope67

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Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #60 on: March 17, 2019, 08:35:17 AM »


I'll try to be kind to myself while I'm trying to get out of this deep depression.

Just wanted to wish you the best with this, SharpAndBlunt - and also send you a hug of support - if that's ok.   :hug:  I also try to hang onto a sense of being in control - and I am very fearful of ever being out of that - so I feel as if I empathise with what you're saying here.  Wishing you the best for today and going forwards.
Hope  :)

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #61 on: March 17, 2019, 05:08:01 PM »
Thanks Hope, its such a mish mash of feelings, isn't it? Sending a hug back to you  :hug:

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #62 on: March 18, 2019, 09:45:14 AM »
I had a difficult weekend. Instead of reaching out I chose to isolate. Thinking that it would be 'easier' on me to do that.

It wasn't easy at all. I felt lonely and miserable and even drank on Saturday because of it.

I had considered more than once reaching out because I knew in advance it would be a difficult weekend.

But, I didn't. There is no point worrying too much about it now but I want to mark and remember that I did know in advance, and I could have dealt with it better. One for the future :)

Back at work now and work concerns will naturally take over and I will kind of forget how bad this weekend was. In terms of sadness and emotions and feeling hopeless.

Kind of just want to put that here. I will definitely have achieved at least three good things for the company before the end of the day, that is something. Wanting to consider my future too but never known how to do that and the prospect is overwhelming.

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Three Roses

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Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #63 on: March 18, 2019, 03:29:22 PM »
 :hug:

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Hope67

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Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #64 on: March 23, 2019, 08:39:19 AM »
Hi SaB,
I hope that the weekend will have some positive moments within it - and I wanted to send you a gentle hug  :hug: if that's ok.  I know that last weekend was difficult for you - and well done for achieving some good things for your company at work - that is definitely something.   :cheer:
Hope  :)

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #65 on: March 23, 2019, 09:30:29 AM »
Thanks, Three Roses, and Hope  :)

Last weekend was kind of tough. I think maybe I isolated even more than is usual because I knew it would be. So, I've decided to go easy on myself for that.

This weekend I've decided to meet up with a friend for a walk in another town which is a lovely diversion from my thoughts. I'm typing this from the (very wobbly) bus!

I've begin to realise that when I'm feeling overwhelmed it can take me weeks or longer to work out what is causing it.

Often the things that I think are causing me stress are not the real issues.

To me this is not that surprising since I've found out a little bit about how trauma works and the effects it has.

What does surprise me is how often I'm still taken unawares by stress and anxiety until always something has to give. Usually it is socialising and / or hobbies, which can be kind of dispiriting in itself. But, if I'm not feeling good enough to enjoy my hobbies then self care has to come first.

I do feel like I go 'into the fog' and real thinking is kind of impossible. My brain goes round and round and it feels like it is busying itself avoiding the root causes of my anxiety. My anxiety is pretty much ever present.

I'm learning to be with my feelings, but when it is numbness and anxiety it is hard to even identify what feelings I'm having.

I think I have said before that I can deal with sadness in itself. But the whole mishmash of disfunction around that, that's another kettle of fish.

I think this comes from not having the strength or support to honestly look at my feelings in the past. I learned / was taught to bury them. The anxiety maybe is just my fear that I have stuffed those negative emotions forever. Like they will be with me the rest of my life and dominate it as they have the past. But, I hope not. With work and some support I can get thorough.

I'm almost at my destination. I've spoken more now than I felt able to the last couple of weeks. I'll look at that as a good sign  :)

 :grouphug: to all

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Hope67

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Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #66 on: March 24, 2019, 09:41:41 AM »
 :hug: to you SaB - I hope you enjoy your walk with your friend.
Hope  :)

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #67 on: March 24, 2019, 01:33:23 PM »
Thank you Hope  :hug:

I'm on my way home now and had a really good time, thanks  :)

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Hope67

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Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #68 on: April 05, 2019, 06:12:37 PM »
Hi SaB,
The weekend is here again - I hope you are ok, and I'm glad you enjoyed that other weekend with your friend.   :hug:
Hope  :)

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #69 on: April 06, 2019, 06:31:23 AM »
Hi Hope, thank you  :hug:

Last weekend was really a bit rough. I didn't feel good enough to log on and this week I guess I am experiencing the same problems as others with the site (haven't been able to read the announcements so far). I feel a little more even keeled this weekend. I'll try and post a journal entry below this that I saved earlier.

 :)

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #70 on: April 06, 2019, 06:39:01 AM »
Perfectionism, low self esteem, strong inner critic, denial seem to be a high barrier to recovery.

I am not giving up. But, there is a cycle with me of denial, leading to relationship problems, leading to more shame, inner critic becoming strong, leading to feelings of hopelessness and childishness, which add to the shame and guilt feelings. The way I cope is to choose denial, just to get breathing space. It is such relief. Then, of course, the denial leads again to problems.

Self compassion and time is the key. I am scared I will be old and always alone and never be robust enough to maintain a relationship. But my pride tells me it is better not to be in a relationship while I am damaged this way. This may just be another layer of denial. Each revelation seems to bring more shame on the self. The conclusion : everything is simply self pity. This could be true or it could be the inner critical parent. Recovery is about acceptance. It's hard to accept myself.

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Hope67

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Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #71 on: April 09, 2019, 06:25:13 PM »
Hi SaB,
I'm glad to hear you're not giving up - and I wanted to send you some supportive words for this week ahead - if they help.   Maybe a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #72 on: April 16, 2019, 04:59:59 PM »
A way to remember my commitment is what I titled my journal and that is what I'm trying to do today.

Overall, I think that I am doing OK. I am trying to give myself space to feel, in order to breathe and give respect to my feelings.

I'm trying to learn how to be respectful towards my FOO without forgetting my own boundaries. This is harder than it seems at first.

I feel today that everything that has passed cannot be changed. I can have that knowledge. The wrongs I feel are never going to be acknowledged, never mind agreed on. I probably have wronged others too.

I feel strongly that in mature relationships issues and feelings should be discussed. Why so many people disagree I don't know.

Having written this, now I realise I am thinking "It's because they are all wise, and you are wrong. It has always been that way".

Sigh. Even in my calm moments, my inner critic is harshing me.

At this point in time, I can kind of understand, how someone who is not going through cptsd, simply does not want to acknowledge its right to exist. I think it is offensive to some people. I think it is the idea that "Well, I am suffering, have done my whole life, why in the hell should I listen to someone else's problems when no one has ever done a damn thing about mine."

But, I think, this attitude is a bit irresponsible. Maybe one day, when I am in a place where I don't want to be bothered, I will also think like this.

But I also know that my hurts are real and if I don't tend to them I can't expect anyone else to. In this sense I own them and they are mine to process. I wonder how I can do that and still maintain a relationship with those that deny that. In my mind I am already closer to making a break. Emotionally however it is harder, particularity when others do not see the need.

I would be called indulgent for entertaining these needs. But still the doubt is there. Maybe it is me who is so slow. Maybe I am so far behind on the path that my attempts to find my way are laughable. That is how I have always felt in my family. Mocked for being at the back. It has had a big effect.

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Hope67

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Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #73 on: April 19, 2019, 01:38:00 PM »
Hi SaB,
Just popping by to wish you the best for this weekend. 
Hope  :)

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #74 on: April 23, 2019, 08:53:37 AM »
Thank you hope  :)

I had a nice weekend. It is strange. I am tentative but I feel like maybe I am regaining some sense of self. I don't know if it makes sense. That is the thing I have felt I have lost for a long time.

The grieving and sadness for that will have to come. For now, I am content just trying to keep that sense of connection to my self.

Maybe that makes sense.  :grouphug: