SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment

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Hope67

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Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #60 on: March 17, 2019, 08:35:17 AM »


I'll try to be kind to myself while I'm trying to get out of this deep depression.

Just wanted to wish you the best with this, SharpAndBlunt - and also send you a hug of support - if that's ok.   :hug:  I also try to hang onto a sense of being in control - and I am very fearful of ever being out of that - so I feel as if I empathise with what you're saying here.  Wishing you the best for today and going forwards.
Hope  :)

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #61 on: March 17, 2019, 05:08:01 PM »
Thanks Hope, its such a mish mash of feelings, isn't it? Sending a hug back to you  :hug:

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #62 on: March 18, 2019, 09:45:14 AM »
I had a difficult weekend. Instead of reaching out I chose to isolate. Thinking that it would be 'easier' on me to do that.

It wasn't easy at all. I felt lonely and miserable and even drank on Saturday because of it.

I had considered more than once reaching out because I knew in advance it would be a difficult weekend.

But, I didn't. There is no point worrying too much about it now but I want to mark and remember that I did know in advance, and I could have dealt with it better. One for the future :)

Back at work now and work concerns will naturally take over and I will kind of forget how bad this weekend was. In terms of sadness and emotions and feeling hopeless.

Kind of just want to put that here. I will definitely have achieved at least three good things for the company before the end of the day, that is something. Wanting to consider my future too but never known how to do that and the prospect is overwhelming.

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Three Roses

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Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #63 on: March 18, 2019, 03:29:22 PM »
 :hug:

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Hope67

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Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #64 on: Today at 08:39:19 AM »
Hi SaB,
I hope that the weekend will have some positive moments within it - and I wanted to send you a gentle hug  :hug: if that's ok.  I know that last weekend was difficult for you - and well done for achieving some good things for your company at work - that is definitely something.   :cheer:
Hope  :)

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment
« Reply #65 on: Today at 09:30:29 AM »
Thanks, Three Roses, and Hope  :)

Last weekend was kind of tough. I think maybe I isolated even more than is usual because I knew it would be. So, I've decided to go easy on myself for that.

This weekend I've decided to meet up with a friend for a walk in another town which is a lovely diversion from my thoughts. I'm typing this from the (very wobbly) bus!

I've begin to realise that when I'm feeling overwhelmed it can take me weeks or longer to work out what is causing it.

Often the things that I think are causing me stress are not the real issues.

To me this is not that surprising since I've found out a little bit about how trauma works and the effects it has.

What does surprise me is how often I'm still taken unawares by stress and anxiety until always something has to give. Usually it is socialising and / or hobbies, which can be kind of dispiriting in itself. But, if I'm not feeling good enough to enjoy my hobbies then self care has to come first.

I do feel like I go 'into the fog' and real thinking is kind of impossible. My brain goes round and round and it feels like it is busying itself avoiding the root causes of my anxiety. My anxiety is pretty much ever present.

I'm learning to be with my feelings, but when it is numbness and anxiety it is hard to even identify what feelings I'm having.

I think I have said before that I can deal with sadness in itself. But the whole mishmash of disfunction around that, that's another kettle of fish.

I think this comes from not having the strength or support to honestly look at my feelings in the past. I learned / was taught to bury them. The anxiety maybe is just my fear that I have stuffed those negative emotions forever. Like they will be with me the rest of my life and dominate it as they have the past. But, I hope not. With work and some support I can get thorough.

I'm almost at my destination. I've spoken more now than I felt able to the last couple of weeks. I'll look at that as a good sign  :)

 :grouphug: to all