SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment

[SharpAndBlunt]

I'm starting to think that shame and self blame are at the heart of a lot of my difficulties.

I'm learning that thoughts experienced are not always true and especially not when in the midst of an EF.

I'm learning that if something does not go right it is not always my fault. If friends mess up then it is not always me who had caused it to happen.

That kind of belief can appear completely egotistical but I now think I understand that it's a survival strategy from childhood.

It is a relief to be not under that misconception. But, times of stress (it does not take much to stress me out) still will bring it back, as a conviction.

I hope my self care and learning will help me to protect myself from those type of mental self attacks in future. There are parts of me that are very, very, angry and I don't usually have access to them. Parts work is very interesting and something I want to investigate further. I feel I may have written this before, sometime, and nothing come of it. That is fine. When the time is right it will feel easier.

For now I'm in a small sense of safety and balance but overwhelm is not too far away, but with continued self care I hope I can continue to be a little bit more present and not dissociate as much.

[Hope67]

with continued self care I hope I can continue to be a little bit more present and not dissociate as much.

Hi SaB,

I felt as if I could have written the words you wrote in your Journal today myself, because I relate so much to what you said - from the beginning to the end - I really related.    to you, if that's ok.  I would also like to wish you the best with being a little bit more present and not dissociating as much. 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

For now I'm in a small sense of safety and balance but overwhelm is not too far away, but with continued self care I hope I can continue to be a little bit more present and not dissociate as much.

I can relate to a great deal of what you wrote. I am just out of a 9 day "crazy time" (Walker would say EF). I also feel that small sense of safety, but know overwhelm is not far away. Supporting you, as I also focus on "grounding."

[SharpAndBlunt]

To Hope and notalone, thank you for your supportive comments. Thanks to anyone who has commented or even just read this.

Hope, it meant a lot that you said you can relate so closely to my last post. Thank you.

notalone I hope you are feeling a little more settled after your 9 days "crazy time". I know how that feels. Grounding is indeed wonderful when it happens.

I feel a little embarrassed because I am not finding time to read as many other posts as I'd like. If I'm honest it's not the time but I find it hard sometimes. But, I will keep reading others' posts when I can and continue to post here when I feel it is good for me.  to everyone who is here and sharing by posting reading. I hope that is OK.

SaB

[Blueberry]

don't worry SaB! It's about your recovery here. You read and post as much as is good for you. No need at all to feel embarrassed.

[Not Alone]

don't worry SaB! It's about your recovery here. You read and post as much as is good for you. No need at all to feel embarrassed.

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
Hoping you don't put any pressure on yourself at all - because your well-being is important, and you've got nothing to feel embarrassed for.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok.    
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thanks to all for your support. I just realised now I had not replied. Thank you 

I had another appointment today which I think was really useful.

So, it is agreed by the professionals that I have depression, anxiety and cptsd. Now, I don't like depression or anxiety, but I think maybe I could cope with the skills I have already with one or the other or possibly both.

What throws the whole thing off is the cptsd. The flashbacks, panic, massive self criticism and shame, all overwhelming.

That on top of the depression and anxiety has been a lot to cope with. I'm sure I don't need to tell anybody here.

So, in some ways I am being kind to myself, congratulation myself that I have made it so long with this pretty toxic combo.

While I'm keen to get on and 'get better' one of the things we talked about today was learning to give myself space and time to do this, to be safe and stable before tackling the bigger issues at the root cause of my cptsd.

This was quite a big revelation for me. I feel today that my situation as seen by the professionals was explained quite well to me. This is a first. And I am very grateful. It makes sense to take it slowly, even though I am keen to get on with healing I know that it won't happen overnight.

Trying to separate all my symptoms has been a nightmare. I hope that I am getting better at doing that.

Having this forum has been great for me to improve at recognising symptoms. Three cheers for that  I've only got a couple of hours left at work then I think I'll be tired for the rest of the weekend. I plan to take it easy and do a few light tasks around the house and read a bit and be outdoors when I can.

[SharpAndBlunt]

This morning I feel really alone. I want to put the feelings I'm having. So that I don't let them pass again and bury them.

Angry, critical, ashamed, lonely, abandoned, unlovable, dirty, weak.

Resulting behaviour : Isolating, self pity, lethargy, taken to bed, 'resting' (it doesn't feel restful at all).

Physical symptoms :  Tension in all body but particularly shoulders, knees, thighs, neck, jaw and fingers.

Probable outcome. This 'bout' will pass. I'll go for a walk. I will feel a bit more clarity mentally. But the emotions will still be there, unprocessed and stuck.

Future. I want to learn more about processing emotions. Having them stuck here just keeps them toxic. I can release them but only in a safe space and not on my own.

Interestingly to me, I have just realised the contradiction here. When I need to process emotions I isolate, but I can't do it alone. When I isolate i am just 'wallowing' in them (self judgement there).

But, I did try, again and again, to reach out to share / unburden, so the isolating is understandable, from a historic point of view. I was mocked or rejected for doing so. The conclusion, my emotions are silly and contemptible and don't matter at all. I now need to learn how to do this healthily. I will have to learn to let go of all the shame and critical words I have heard about me for isolating in the past.

I isolated to be safe. People around me took it personally against them, I think. But I was just unable to do any more than nothing. It is a big hurdle to my recovery, all the hurtful names I have been called for doing the only thing I could do. I tried to explain but nobody wants to know.

My self pity. It is my companion and I hate it. I get jealous of happy people and paranoid they're laughing at me. Being this messed up is not fun. I try my best to be positive for people. But if I'm honest it is not my true self. And that battle, those two people competing, it makes me feel fractured. And that means I feel scared, alone and helpless. An Ef, by the sounds of it.

Probably anger underneath. That's it for now.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Will I am through that bout of what felt like self pity. I dressed and showred and did the shopping. Little thing. I still think I need to learn from scratch about processing emotions, particularly stuck ones. I would prefer not to have to but I will do it.

[Three Roses]

I have a hard time distinguishing between feeling sorry for myself, and grief. Grief is a natural response to being abused by the people who are supposed to be the ones you can trust. It's understandable and normal to feel great sadness after being hurt and betrayed - but when, on top of the abuse, we are then told to "suck it up" or "don't think about it", the label for that feeling turns from "I am grieving" to "I'm just having a pity party".

to you. Thanks for being here.

[Not Alone]

After feeling angry, critical, ashamed, lonely, abandoned, unlovable, dirty and weak-----really big, difficult feelings----showering, getting dressed and shopping is not a little thing, but a big accomplishment. I did not hear self pity in your words; I heard a lot of pain.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Three Roses and notalone, thank you. It's good to be here. 

Thank you for pointing out that there's a difference between pain/grief and self pity - it is an important distinction.

Those kind of subtle shifts in thinking are illuminating and while should probably seem obvious, too often they are just not easy to see. 

I'm taking the positives on board.

SaB

[Hope67]

Sending you a gentle and supportive hug, SaB 
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

It has been two weeks since I posted here. I don't know where the time is going. I'm in a very strange place, head wise. I don't know if I'm getting better, or regressing, or I don't know what.

I'm scared of things as before and my fears seem to be all up in my face meaning I don't feel I have space to breathe and I'm panicking. I'm getting annoyed easily at other things and people, too easily.

At the same time there have been brief intervals (maybe for 5 minutes) when I felt my perception shift to a place where things were not that bad, almost good. In those times, I can see the dysfunction in my thinking, and I can see why I am having difficulties and it must look so easy to others to do that 'snap'.

The trouble is I can't choose when I get to be lucid like that. Pretty soon I go back to being foggy, confused and scared, and go back in to hiding.

I feel like my time is slipping away and I'll never get to a life I want, I just won't be able to do it, mentally, and this is how I've to live my life, kind of a shadow person.