SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment

[woodsgnome]

SharpandBlunt:  "I feel like my time is slipping away and I'll never get to a life I want, I just won't be able to do it, mentally, and this is how I've to live my life, kind of a shadow person."

Sadly, this reflects exactly my feelings; and yes, that includes brief moments when it seems like I've turned the corner, only to find myself lost yet again. Then, panic; then, resignation.

I wish I had the magic formula for undoing this. It's a big part of how deep the original injuries go, to the point of no recovery. It's all a gamble, I guess. Except in this realm, no winners or losers, just the reward of knowing we gave it all we had. And that's more than many would have ever suspected we could achieve.

Personally, I've gotten hung up on the phrase "I survived" lately. Really, it indicates that all odds of this all going haywire aren't true and is not pointing to failure, only to a mystery.

[SharpAndBlunt]

I like the idea of a mystery, not a failure. It appeals to a part of me that appreciates different ways of looking at things, a bit meditative maybe. And, that shift in mindset is important, to be able to take a look from another perspective is so important, and so so difficult sometimes.

Maybe, surviving and giving it all we have is all any of us can do. It doesn't seem so bad as a legacy, do you think?

Feeling twisted and negative is maybe not such an unpredictable response, and while I understand that part of recovery is giving ourselves space to feel that and not judge ourselves for that, sometimes the negativity, it just.. wins. Sadly all part of the battle.

[woodsgnome]

SharpandBlunt: "Maybe, surviving and giving it all we have is all any of us can do. It doesn't seem so bad as a legacy, do you think?"

Right, wrong, bad, or indifferent can become relative terms depending on outcomes. But if we know we've tried as hard as we can (watch out, though; 'hard' can lead to overwhelming fatigue, too). As best we can, without regard to certain presumed outcomes, might be a better way to say it. This approach may not give any certain answers but lead to further questions; and surprisingly, maybe in the uncertainty lies the answer.

Sorry if I'm veering a little too much towards philosophy here (I know I'm tired from the effects of a major EF event that I didn't expect would happen, and/or that it would hit as hard as it did. Back to basics -- another way to say all this might be to stay open to the mystery by being willing to be surprised; to be open to unexpected, maybe even better, outcomes than we thought possible (I'm slowly beginning to see a better outcome filtering in around the intense pain I experienced and still weighing on me.

Without elaborating, I sense that's been the case with me. Crawling along, almost to the point of thinking 'why try any more', has led to some almost startling observations that has ended up helping my recovery to remain intact and somewhat focused (and hugely disappointing sometimes).

Okay, I hope that wasn't too obscure. In the end, all I'm suggesting is that remaining open to surprises might actually reveal the path one is looking for. It's like it was there all along, and we were looking so hard we missed the cue. Borrowing the refrain of a recent song, "Who woulda thunk it?"

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thanks, I feel it.

After the rain comes the sun. It's kind of a cliche but there might be something there.

And I get the part about not labeling, not judging. It has taken a long time to begin to see how useful, how freeing that is. It's all about a sense of internal space, having the space to forgive myself, be kind to myself. That tension, the trauma response that closes down that space, that's exhausting.

But, being a survivor, there is always hope. If there is one trait I can identify as positive from this is the open mindedness, the willingness, but it takes strength (and tim)  to be open to delight and joy and surprise. Small steps   

[woodsgnome]

I have one caution to being open-minded. For me, what this mostly means is being open to the possibility that even in darkness I might find light, and it might even surprise me how it comes about. However, that's not a blanket or total acceptance of any of the circumstances or people who created and/or sustains it.

If this in turn surprises them, the message is simply that the old me who was walked all over and considered almost as a partner during the decades of abuse -- well, I aim to find better ways to discern when I'm being violated, sometimes in sinister ways that still hurt.

Trust is great, but I've been stung too often not to want to change that while retaining my strength (empathy) in that regard. Trust and discernment need to be in harmony.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Yes, patience is required too, patience not to rush in and recreate past mistakes. Patience being harder when the sense is that time is running out. That impression of time running out is a false one, I think. I think it has caused me problems in the past and it's something for me to be wary of. Thank you woodsgnome, for your thoughts. I loved this :

If this in turn surprises them, the message is simply that the old me who was walked all over and considered almost as a partner during the decades of abuse -- well, I aim to find better ways to discern when I'm being violated, sometimes in sinister ways that still hurt.
 

[Hope67]

And I get the part about not labeling, not judging. It has taken a long time to begin to see how useful, how freeing that is. It's all about a sense of internal space, having the space to forgive myself, be kind to myself. That tension, the trauma response that closes down that space, that's exhausting.

But, being a survivor, there is always hope. If there is one trait I can identify as positive from this is the open mindedness, the willingness, but it takes strength (and tim)  to be open to delight and joy and surprise. Small steps   

This is very validating - what you've said here - and I agree that it takes strength to be open to delight and joy and surprise.  Small steps, but they all count.   Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

I was going to post this in employment but it got too long. I'll leave it as it is though I don't seek answers it's more to record my thoughts.

My question for people, is there a type of work that doesn't suit a temperament, or is work only just to pay the the bills?

For years I've worked hard at a path I never really wanted to be on, thinking to work hard and make the best of it.

For years I've given myself a hard time because I believe I must be lazy, pretty stupid, or ungrateful, or a mixture of those. I get those feelings or ideas because I don't regard what I'm doing as a success.

I feel like only now I'm realising I never wanted to do this kind of work. I'm involved with computers.

I got into computers as a way to escape. I enjoy them as a hobby up to a point, but I'd much rather be working with people or animals.

My cptsd has made me question this too, as I have been questioning everything I do in a way I'm coming to realise that a lot of people just don't. I think undermining oneself is a bad habit.

Reaching my mid forties and don't want to be this ball of stress and self loathing any more.

Not sure how to break away into something else to prevent feelings of wasted time, inadequacy, etc.

I realise I have been judging myself a failure because I have never reached any heights in my work that I could have had I been more committed. I realise that I have had limited options though and these are the ones I took to survive. Maybe I have been as committed as I possibly could have been. I'm going to try to give myself a break on that.

I can't help feeling if I had any guidance I could have been happier, less stressed and less unpleasant to be around.

I guess I will try to find a way to make this happen.

[woodsgnome]

SharpAndBlunt ... from my perspective, the words of your essay that leaped out at me were:

"I realise that I have had limited options though and these are the ones I took to survive. Maybe I have been as committed as I possibly could have been. I'm going to try to give myself a break on that."

Trying too hard to change what course you've already taken still won't change the old road. So you're at the most famous intersection of all -- here and there -- and you can only proceed from here (and where did all those new there roads come from? Although of course you can consult the rear-view mirror on occasion. On which there should be a warning: rear views are affected by cptsd.

Frantically, one looks for a map out of here. Gone, except for fragments of guide books. One is left with the failure-prone (at least in retrospect) instructions of the 'voice' called GPS or something. Whatever, it's akin to all those critical voices within and that takes wise discernment to fully trust, too. Oops -- it hasn't made the task easier, has it?

While the task may not be easy, it's critical to step back on the natural tendency to self-blame when all those dreams crumble yet again. Somehow you're still here, even with cptsd aftershocks, full of wonder laced with doubts.

Boiled down, I'm just saying I hope you always keep yourself free of the self-blame temptation. For me that was huge and it did make a difference in how my rather zany career (or non-career some might call it) took me, all the while stumbling all over the cptsd-dominated parts.

[woodsgnome]

Quick addendum to what I wrote above about the course you're (we're) on. I was reading a reflection that included the following line, which I think pretty much encapsulates what I was trying to say. The writer Nancy Willard was sharing her observation of the difficulty of 'not knowing':

... "But that's all right. When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, you don't conclude that the road has vanished. And how else could we discover the stars?"

Hope that helps a wee bit, as far as gaining perspective anyway. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thanks woodsgnome 

Fighting with myself is the first battle I choose to manage, maybe the biggest one. I feel I'm alright then, woops, slip, feels like one step forward two steps back. Self blame is an easy one to fall into, and dangerous like a swamp. I have to be very careful with that.

I know recovery takes a long time. Trying to flip my perception to see the nice things, the positives, instead of feeling the pressure (of the past, the unchangeable? past). Of course the past is unchangeable, but maybe the conclusions drawn from there (the roads to here?) can be redrawn, or at least seen in a gentler light. Made to feel a bit kinder. I hope so. I think this kind of reframing is very important for releasing trapped feelings of guilt. Tired of fighting myself and ready for some peace.

When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, you don't conclude that the road has vanished

Thank you, woodsgnome. I really love this.



SaB

[Tee]

I agree it would be nice to be able to stop the internal war and be at peace for a while.  Good luck SaB!

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
I like what you wrote about re-drawing conclusions and seeing things in a gentler light, and I hope that you are doing ok with managing to do some of this.  For some reason when I read what you wrote, I imagined shining different lights with different colours on situations, and a very visual image came to mind, but I'm not sure you meant it like that. 
I feel a bit silly writing that, but I'll leave it there.  I wanted to wish you the best with it, and to send you a hug, if that's ok    Reframing things and releasing trapped feelings of guilt - that is definitely something to strive for. 
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you Tee for your good wishes and thank you Hope for that lovely image of different coloured light. Being as I am usually quite literal I find I like imaginative and artistic interpretations of things so I enjoyed this a lot. I imagine I can feel a lot of positive energy in all those different colours.

---
Talking of feelings, I realise that I am making small progress, but it is making me feel very small as a result. I have been told that feeling small is common in an ef, but this doesn't feel like how I understand one of them, exactly.

It's more like that in becoming more aware of my body and allowing some feelings in, I am aware how much I am hurting, and how tense I am. I am as tense as tense can be, almost all of the time. I am a little worried that this high level of stress / cortisol whatever is going to result in damage physically, as well as all the mental tumult I've gone through in dealing with / maintaining this.

I've been doing a bit of thinking and linking back to being shamed excessively for expressing feelings or opinions. My feelings and opinion just didn't matter. I'm minded of a funny caption I heard about once "Everyone is entitled to my opinion". Not so funny when it is an opinion being imposed on us, though, chronically and without mercy.

Well, bringing a child up to be afraid of his own shadow does not make for a confident independent thinker later in life. The strange thing is, when I was younger I felt independent and sharp enough to make it in life, then, more big trauma came along which kicked my legs out from under me. Since then it's been this high stress, constant adrenaline feeling, impossible to reconnect with true self and feeling associated panic / fear then despair.

Well, I can't say I feel terribly good but, at least I feel something, I say. Maybe learning the feelings again will get easier. I am so determined not to shut them off again. Did I shut my emotions off, did I have a choice? I'd certainly rather it never had happened, so there might be an answer there.

Shame has a terrible way of making us think the worst of ourselves. What a corrosive emotion.

One last thought, I only learned the other week that shame is an emotion. If I did know this earlier I had forgot. How did I not know a) how to identify I was feeling shame (I got at this a few months ago but, normally I wasn't aware) and b) shame is an emotion that passes (it doesn't, not really, but I am working on that now).

I thought that shame was a state of being, a sign something is wrong with me, an unalterable fact of life. It just goes to show what can happen when someone thinks the worst of themselves, all the time. This is a tricky trap to climb out of, wish me luck in keeping to the task and not 'losing the plot' again, for another 20+ years.

SaB

Ps I feel that this is overall a positive time, though it may not feel like it or read like it. I just am struggling with feeling human. I guess a lot of people will be able to relate to that.

That's it for now.