SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment

[woodsgnome]

SharpandBlunt: "wish me luck in keeping to the task and not 'losing the plot' again, for another 20+ years."

Raising my hand  and offering the best encouragement for not 'losing the plot' again. Like a plot in any story, this can change, if we remember we're the author. While that can be challenging (we're not used to it), if we can at least begin shifting our focus away from our here-we-go-again mentality, there's better times ahead. Setbacks? Perhaps some, but that's when we learn to revise the script (and that we can -- it's allowed  ).

One of the sure (but hard to come by) shifts is learning to discard the self-induced shame aspect. I for one haven't fully healed this tendency, but when I do get the sense that the shame has no role anymore, it's liberating to say the least.

Here's for your continued success in finding your way, even (or especially) after 20+ years of wandering about in a fog.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you, woodsgnome 

Isn't it nice to know that shame can be lifted, taken off our list of things to feel bad about. And isn't it a nice view from there, when it opens up, even if only briefly?

I'm grateful there is understanding here 

[Hope67]

Like a plot in any story, this can change, if we remember we're the author.

SaB - I agree with you that it's a nice view when shame is lifted, and I hope that we all get some more moments when that is the case.  I am also grateful for the understanding that is shown here - and I'm glad you and Woodsgnome are here.   


Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi Hope,

Thank you, so much. One of the things I find hard is how fragile and fleeting they seem, peace of mind and stability. It is a joy to know that understanding people are here, and that I am able to offer my understanding too, when I can.
   

[SharpAndBlunt]

Managing expectations.

Being easy on myself doesn't come easily. Slowing myself down enough to give me a chance to recognise what is going on. Giving myself a break. In down time I want to be busy.

I love people but fear to be around them. Sometimes I wonder if there's anything at all at the core of me.

My fear is the one thing that keeps me here, the one thing I know is real. I feel, one day, I can grapple with this and win, or at least force a draw. That will be progress. Maybe on that day I can connect (again?) with the world on mutually acceptable terms.

Meanwhile, I remain grateful for this forum, another space in which I can talk safely, and for another friendship that is fragile but I want to work. I see pity in my friends eyes, sometimes. Maybe I imagine it. I fear it and want to withdraw from it. If it's real, it means she sees me, and that is scary.

I long to be invisible, to just play my part. But I also need to be real. I think, I hope that real is winning. But lately the line between them seems to be hard to discern.

[Tee]

  being real is hard.  Concern isn't pity though don't get the two confused.  Your friend may be concerned for you because she cares about you.  That's not pity. Don't push that Away.  We need people that care about is and are concerned. Even though it's scary To be real.  I've pushed so many people away.  A few on purpose a few by accident.  A few have stayed through my attempts to to push them away. They see me most of the time.  It's not pity when they see me low.  It's concern and bewilderment because they don't know how to help me and they want to help.  That's hard for me at times to accept help.  Hope some of that makes sense and helps you.   

[Three Roses]

I fear it and want to withdraw from it. If it's real, it means she sees me, and that is scary.

Yup, I totally get that! The fear of real intimacy. Because intimacy brings relationship, and those are sooooo very slippery for me. My track record for smooth, intimate relationships is not a good one. Hard to know what's expected of me and I'm not great at managing conflict.

[SharpAndBlunt]

It's not pity when they see me low.  It's concern and bewilderment because they don't know how to help me and they want to help. That's hard for me at times to accept help.  Hope some of that makes sense and helps you.   

Tee, this rings true, it's to do with pride, and trust, and a whole mix of things that I find it difficult to accept concern. Thank you. 

Three Roses, slippery is a good word and I find it next to impossible to know what's expected of me, too. It seems to get harder as I get older, when I was younger I assumed the opposite would be true. 

One real true friendship would mean more to me right now than anything else in the world. I've missed it hard.

[Tee]

 

[Three Roses]

  

[SharpAndBlunt]

Why does standing up for myself take so long, take so much effort and be completely draining. Assertive action that I'm sure people do on the turn of a dime and think nothing of take me months to conceive and plan, only finally spitting it out when I'm at the end of my rope. I feel emotionally drained for days or weeks afterwards.

The reason I think, is never being allowed my own opinion. I had ideas, of course, but learned to keep them to myself. I hoped they would be 'obvious' to like minded people and I would find my tribe and all would be somehow OK. This was a childish fantasy.

But, I'm encouraged. That I'm being assertive at all is quite a big step forward. It has taken being independent in the world myself to even attempt this. No one can read my mind. I can't expect people to do this.

I grew up with different dysfunctions and Codependent parents. I have inherited aspects of both. Lucky me!

Well. I have education and moral support where I can find it. I have awareness, which I am thankful for. I wish it didn't hurt, but it does.

[Tee]

 

[Three Roses]

When I was younger I was probably what most would call overly assertive, overly outspoken. As I grew older and started a family, I went to the opposite end of the spectrum. Now I'm working at balance. It gets easier with time. Don't give up. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thanks, I feel a little better for speaking what was on my mind. The saddest thing is that most of the negativity surrounding doing that exists mostly in my head. I am working on this.

[Not Alone]

But, I'm encouraged. That I'm being assertive at all is quite a big step forward. It has taken being independent in the world myself to even attempt this. No one can read my mind. I can't expect people to do this.

Those are very big steps.