Just need to vent

[avamolly]

I have been LC for about 18 months and NC for the last 3 months with my UnNPD mother. Before that I struggled for many years with the damage that emotional abuse and neglect did to me. Realising only 18 months ago that I had Cptsd was a life saver really as it allowed me to feel justified in feeling the immense hurt and also to be kinder to myself, to stop berating myself for constantly struggling.

I read Pete Walkers book and at last it made sense, that I really had a valid reason for feeling the way I did, and that far from being weak I was immensely strong to have come as far as I have. However I do still struggle with occasional guilt, my mother is 92 and not in the best of health, yet I know that I have been programmed from a very early age to look out for her, my needs and feelings were rarely considered. I have told her, in person and by letter because she never really listens properly, that I need to distance myself from her for the sake of my own good mental health. I have put in place a care system for her via the local authorities, supplied her with a care line panic button, and told her I will help her if she has an emergency situation of any sort but other than that I don't want to see her or talk to her.

I am in my late 60's now and only told my kids last year how I felt about my mother and why. I have carried all this angst all my life and now I have handed it back where it belongs, I know it's the right thing to do but I still struggle with the guilt and the fear of being named and shamed for what I am doing. People can be very judgmental without knowing all the facts. I keep telling myself I am strong, that I have given her a lifeline if she really needs it, that I have no reason to feel guilty, but it's not always that easy is it?

I guess I just need a few words of support from some of you, the ones who really and truly understand my dilemma.

[Kizzie]

I can relate avamolly, I was also trained to put my M (who has NPD) first and I have to fight the guilt I feel when I don't or when I think I am perceived as a 'bad' daughter. 

What helped me immensely was our sister site Out of the FOG which is for people dealing with the fear, obligation and guilt those with NPD lay on us.  Lots of good info and support for taming the FOG!

[avamolly]

Thanks Kizzie.
I do know about OOTF but haven't looked on there for a while since discovering OOTS so will take another look at the site.
Thanks again 😊

[Blueberry]

I can relate too. I was trained to put all sorts of other people first, including uBPDM. It's been taking me years to really let go.

It sounds as if you've been making healthy decisions over the past 18 months to protect yourself and your well-being You also set up a really good support system for your M. No reason to feel guilty! Though I do know it's not so easy to get out of the mindset after years/decades of FOO training.