Suffering everyday - TW violence & SI

[FallenFreaK]

TW violence & SI

I was born for money for drugs. My parents didn't want kids. They didn't want me or my 3 sisters. We were raised by our grandparents. Then abused by my grandmother. Then kicked out by her. I haven't seen my sisters in over two years because of my grandmother.

I have no family support. I have only my bf. We have been together for over a year. I wanna break up with him because of my depression, because I burden him etc. I suffer everyday. I try and get help from psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors, etc. I get murdered by my "family" in my sleep. I have memories during the day of stuff that happened to me as a child and teenager. I am now 19 studying to be a nurse. Can't concentrate. Can't sleep. Can't do assignments unless my bf forced me to do them. Can't get out of bed. Can't eat because I can't afford too. I can't get a job.

I go into acute meltdowns almost every day now. It's gettint worse. Hospital can only do short term, meaning they give me Valium and send me home. My trauma from my family and past isn't getting fixed. I'm stressed all the time, which is ruining my health. I can't look after myself. I'm all alone. Vicious cycle found around and around. Then I become numb, the worst part of this all. No feelings. Nothing worth living for anymore. No hope left. Can't harm myself because I hate pain. But the pain I endure everyday is terrible.

[Blueberry]

FallenFreak,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so, so awful everyday.

I do understand that up until now you haven't felt adequately supported by professionals. Still, as per our forum guidelines, this isn't a place to discuss suicide. We aren't professionals and we're not equipped in any way to provide the kind of assistance you may need. 

We suggest you try Befrienders Worldwide https://www.befrienders.org/need-to-talk
or IASP https://www.iasp.info/
or Your Life Counts http://www.yourlifecounts.org/

Some of us have been there where you are and we're still here, alive and healing. It's really hard to see beyond the pain when you're in the middle of it. It is worth sticking it out though.

Thank you for your acceptance and understanding.

Blueberry

[Kizzie]

Hey Fallen, I am so sorry you are in such pain.  I really hope you will reach out to one of the organizations Blueberry identified above and maybe let them help you figure out a plan to get some real help, beyond what you've received at the ER thus far.  There is better help out there. Hopefully you can talk about some of the pain that has led you to feel overwhelmed and so hopelessness right now, and they may be able to help you figure out what to do next. 

One thought I had was perhaps nursing right now is not ideal because it is so stressful and it is all about caring for others.  It sounds to me like caring for you and your needs might need to be the priority right now.  Just my thoughts of course.

Please keep posting here too, it can help to talk about what led you to develop Complex PTSD and to the way you are feeling now. 

[Luke57]

Hi Freak,

There's a song by Haelstorm  that asks the question, "Are you a freak like me?" My answer is, "Yes, I am." I'm a freak because of the family I grew up with and the things they did to me. Throughout my teens and twenties, I had nightmares on a regular basis of members of my family chasing me through dark alleys, abandoned houses, etc. So I can possibly understand the terror you're going through every night. I finally found a therapist I could work with and the nightmares began to subside to where now they are completely gone. Although I still occasionally have vivid PTSD flashbacks during the day, I'm trying to accept that as part of my journey through this life.


My life has been a roller-coaster ride with lots of ups and downs. But like Blueberry said there are still some of us around who've made it through and are still alive and healing. And I'm proud to still be here! I especially like what Blueberry said about, "Its worth sticking it out ..." I agree wholeheartedly.


Despite the admonitions you received, I applaud you for having the strength and courage to share your life and struggles with us here on this forum. (I guess there has to be rules for it to work.) Stupid #^*%!@# rules!!! Your strength and courage says to me that you WILL make it through this.


Keep sharing, being open and honest, and moving forward. Good luck. We're all in this together.


Luke