Mother

[Annegirl]

My mother just emailed me today,
I email her sometimes with photos of the children I always end the email "with love from me" Today she wrote this to me. with a link about a boy who talks to dogs.

"God honors the respect he had for his parents no matter what! what an amazing story!! now he helps run aways with his dogs. Good on him he holds no bitterness or resentment."

This from my mother who beat me sometimes to the point of me spacing out and living all my life in fear and survival mode.

[Phoebes]

Anne- yep. That sounds like my mom's style. She always bring up that kind of topic and comments. They obviously know what they have done, but rather than identify and apologize for even one thing, specifically, they spin it around like poor them, it's out job to "let it go", even if we have not even mentioned it in decades.. Yes, this sort of thing is why I am very very low contact with my mom. I would love to be NC, but have not had the courage, and/or wanted t cause strife with sister, niece and nephew. My family is not supportive of my viewpoint.

[C.]

What a cruel response on her part.  Here you're trying to help her feel connected with her grandchildren and then bam, it's  like she now expects and is requesting that you forgive her.  I used to think I needed to forgive in order to heal & recover.  I don't think so anymore.  Some adult survivor material I read clearly stated that forgiveness is non of the abuser's business.  A hurt child (the experience we had) does not need to forgive the abuser.   I imagine this crumpled, hurt child with a mean adult standing over her telling her to "forgive."  That's just one more form of abuse.  I felt great relief when I was able to let go of the desire to forgive.  If it happens, it happens, if not that's ok with me too.  Either way it's not a topic the abuser ought to bring up, ever.  It sounds like you understand the inappropriateness of her email.

[Kizzie]

   Annegirl  I hope you put that email in the garbage where it belongs. 

[Rain]

Like Kizzie says, toss that email message into the garbage, Annegirl.

Your mother wants to play the "Let's Pretend" game.

Let's pretend she did not severely abuse you.   

Let's pretend she does not abuse you to this very day.   

Let's pretend that email is not part of the abuse by denying reality.

[Annegirl]

Thank you so much each of you friends. It helps to get this understandinv and validation, yes Kizzie i deleted it 
im still angry about it, it made me so mad and my poor kids heard my voice change, i told them im sorry if i sound annoyed im not angry with you guys my mum wrote me an annoying email. But then i got even more angry with her because we were having a lovely peaceful day and i felt she can still ruin my children's time from overseas by making them see me angry too often.

I also sent it to my T as i knew if i didnt work on it, (work of Byron Katie) i would keep gettin g quietly angrier at my mother until i let it out on my husband or children. She said she is looking forward to sorting out the "puzzle" with me. And wanted me to firstly email my T my thoughts about the Email.

[Phoebes]

Anniegirl, ever since I read this, I keep thinking of it, and thinking gosh, it is uncanny how many of us have these same experiences. It's almost like they have the same cache of behaviors and responses they pull as as a desperate effort to control our thoughts and actions. It's sort of unoriginal, isn't it.

I think this resonates so strongly with me because my mom was so controlling in every way for as long as she could be. Now that I am older and far more distant, these sorts of comments seem to be her last ditch effort at controlling me. She not only wants to be totally abusive, but then control my thoughts about her abuse. Well, sorry mom. You can't. They just make it worse and more obvious by doing this. I bought into her tactics for so long..It still makes me angry to get these sorts of comments from her, and I can logically think it through, but it is hard. It's hard to think your mother can't have compassion or show love to her daughter. It helps me to know and accept that as fact, though.

The other thing about it that bothers me, is she brings up this very topic in various ways OFTEN..like she is going to drive the point home that the past is the past and I need to forgive and forget, and she does not need to recognize or apologize. She brings up these topics regularly. She brought it up the other day (in a disguise of it being about my grandmother). I said, well mom, do you think it would have helped you if she would have recognized she did something to hurt you and actually apologized for it? She immediately SNAPPED that she "doesn't OWE me an apology or anything else! She is right with god, and if I have an imagined problem with her then I need to just get over it." That is what she took away from the conversation which was about HER and her own mother. So, I now know with 100% no doubt that it is strongly in her mind and in the forefront that she does not OWE me any sort of recognition or apology on any level. That coming from a heavy-duty abuser. Thanks for the support mom! Lovely!

[Kizzie]

Anne - good for you for garbaging it but I know what you mean about it intruding on your day.  It leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, a knot in your stomach and angry nerve endings.  My NPDM did the same thing last week and my anger is only now beginning to fade.  There are times when I can let her behaviour go, but when I am busy or tired or ill, it's harder to do.

Phoebes - It helps when you can accept that they aren't going to be the loving, caring parent you deserve but it can still take a bite out of you I know.  I understand that my M has a personality disorder and because of that she can't see her role in my CPTSD (or even that I have any problems related to her parenting), but part of me still finds that difficult and as I mentioned to Anne, especially when I am overly busy as I am right now or tired or ill, I just don't have the reserves.

[lonewolf]

Anniegirl, I can relate to your recent experience with your mom as well.

I have almost zero contact with my own mother for playing similar kinds of emotional games with me. Her manipulations were (and still are) almost too unbearable for me to take so I have mostly just cut her out of my life (for my own sanity).

However, in the larger picture of my family, she has magically managed to use my need for emotional safety as a way to garner sympathy from my other siblings and her sisters (or whoever else in the family) and turn me into the evil daughter. Honestly, the insidious the nature (and depth) of her cruelness makes me so angry sometimes but there is a lot of pain still there too.

I think, what I am trying to say is, I recognize the cruelty in her words to you. And they are so dismissive. I'm glad that you put them in the trash where they belong.

[Annegirl]

Thank you Kizzie and Lone wolf, and big hug for what you are going through.  Have you other friends or family around? I love your saying by Rumi.

[lonewolf]

Annegirl, I have very friends (a couple) that I've known for 25 years. They are surrogate family and I have a very close bond with them. One of my only safe places but I'm very grateful for it. Thank you for asking.    I like visual quotes - it must be the artist in me.