Hi am new and nervous! possible triggers

Started by Annabelle, March 05, 2015, 03:19:38 PM

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Annabelle

I am 45 years old, my father started abusing me sexually from the age of 9, emotionally and physically for as long as i can remember. I have been in and out of the mental health service since i was 15 diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I went through a lot of relationships that turned out to be a carbon copy of what had happened at home. I ended up a raging alcoholic in a relationship that was abusive with no way out again. I had a complete breakdown, psychiatric hospital for 6 months, after this i managed to sort of get my life back on track, i got sober and remain so 10 years later. Around the time i got sober i started having seizures and was put on to anti epileptics that i took day after day having terrible side effects and none of them worked. Then 8 years ago i met my current partner and she is amazing, but my seizures started to get worse more prolonged and more intense. My partner was calling the ambulance several times a week because I would be fitting for 3 to 4 hours at a time, each time they took me to accident and emergency and said they could find no reason for my seizures. One doctor actually said to my partner that they thought i was faking my seizures to get attention!
Eventually they started doing tests lots and lots of tests. They came back saying that I had a hormone imbalance and this was being caused by overies and if i had a hysterectomy the seizures would stop. I resisted this as i have always wanted a child and they put me into a chemical menopause for a year, this did not stop the seizures. At the end of the year the docs said that the chemicals they were using to  put me into menopause could also be a reason for my seizures, but if i had the hysterectomy then my seizures would stop or at least slow down. So against my better judgement i went ahead and had the operation.
It stopped nothing, my seizures again started to get even worse than they were before up to 12 a day. I was referred to another neurologist who did a battery of tests and the results came back that it was PNES/NEAD/Dissociative convulsion disorder and the only treatment for it was therapy. So i waited 8 months to get a therapist who had knowledge of this and she also diagnosed BPD and PTSD and mapped out my treatment plan, which was DBT, with 121s.
During my 121s we started going into things and my seizures would increase then my therapist would say we have to stop going down this road go back to square 1 regroup and go down another route, the last route was to do some exposure work to try and control my fear reactions ie seizures, it didnt work i was seizing at least once a session. We have tried regrouping 4 times with much frustration, anxiety and confusion and seizing  on my part. It has taken me so long to trust her even a little as i dont trust anyone even my partner. Then a couple of weeks ago during a 121 i disclosed something that i have never told anyone before and my therapist looked like she had been hit with a concrete block. She said that she had to take it to the consult team, they came back with she cannot ethically carry on with the exposure work that we had been doing. I went into a complete flat spin, had seizure after seizure. My 121 on weds my therapist handed me a paper written by Christine A Courtois about CPTSD and said read this that is all i got. My other half was so angry she shouted which i have never heard her do (it also made me have another seizure).
I managed to start reading it and it was like OMG! how did she get inside my head???
I have no idea what to do now? I dont know if my diagnosis has changed? or how i am going to deal with this?? Has anyone managed to come out the other side of this??? Some feed back would be great, sorry for banging on so much, but dont know what to do

Kizzie

#1
HI Annabelle and a warm welcome to OOTS.   :hug:   You don't need to be at all sorry for banging on, that's why we all come here!  :yes:   

You've had a long, tough road finding your way here, but we're glad you did as it can really help to talk with others who are going through CPTSD. A lot of things that seem inexplicable become much clearer once you find out more about CPTSD and that helps many of us to understand that our reactions are what helped us to survive when we were children.  They were normal reactions to abnormal treatment which we couldn't escape from, we did what we had to, but now as adults it makes life hellish.  Reaching out here is a big step and takes courage so  :applause:

I am so sorry your treatment exacerbated your symptoms  :hug:  Unfortunately because CPTSD is a relative newcomer in medical/mental health fields a lot us are misdiagnosed or only partially diagnosed and that leads to situations like yours.  Now that you do know what is at the bottom of what you are going through though, you can hopefully find appropriate treatment. I am astounded at your therapist by the way. IMO if she is concerned about being ethical she should NOT just hand you a paper and dump you.  That anger you felt and feel is completely justified (imo). 

In addition to the info by Dr. Courtois, you might want to have a look at a web site by Pete Walker who is a therapist who suffers from CPTSD himself.  Many of us relate to what he writes as he views CPTSD as both a sufferer and a therapist.  https://www.google.ca/?gws_rd=ssl#q=pete+walker. There's also a lot of info throughout this site although a bit at a time might be the way to go as it can be quite overwhelming.

The other thing many of us have found helpful in recovery is to slow down and take baby steps.  Unlike PTSD, there are layers of trauma in CPTSD which is what makes it complex, an accumulation of abuse that took time to buld up and takes time to peel away.  So please have a look around and post again when you are ready, here or in any of the forums that feel relevant to you.

Again, welcome  :hug:



Trees

Welcome Annabelle!   I am so glad you found your way to this site.  I agree with Kizzie that your anger at your therapist was justified.  But I have found in my own experience that many therapists and psychiatrists are absolutely clueless about Cptsd (not to even mention their cluelessness about their own behavioral reactions to encountering it in patients!).

I myself do not have overt seizures the way you do.  However, over the years, the few meds that could help me at all were anti-seizure meds.  So, even though clearly those anti-seizure meds never helped you, perhaps you and I have some aspects of our Cptsd in common.

I very much hope you will stay in touch with us here.  I also recommend Pete Walker's site and writings.  For me, he has been a voice in the wilderness of Cptsd.   Welcome to you.    Trees


C.

Welcome Annabelle,

I know that feeling of wow, that's me!  I too am sorry that your T handled things so badly.  I have been on both sides of treatment, as a recipient, and as a "professional" (advocate/case manager for people with MH difficulties).  I find it very maddening when those who ought to heal make mistakes that cause pain.  It's great that you were pointed in the right direction, but sounds like things were handled badly.

You reminded me of someone who I knew several years ago.  She too had seizures that were a response to emotional triggers.  She received therapy and participated in a survivor's group.   It helped her a lot.  I just thought you might like to hear about someone with a similar situation and how she healed.

I'm pretty new here too.  I hope that you find much healing here.