I am thinking that I need to have some EMDR sessions with a therapist. I have some repressed memories. I know that. Even now I have trouble with memory. If something bad happens, I will have a hard time remembering it. I have recently been reminded of huge things that happened just last summer, and when the person talked to me about it, I said, "Oh, I never knew about that." Even though I was completely involved in what happened. They looked at me like I was crazy. I had absolutely no memory of it at all. Then two hours later I remembered being in a room with several people, leading an intervention, on behalf of a kid who had been abused. But I forgot the whole thing.
I forget a lot. I forget problems with my husband. If my mom throws a fit, I can't remember it. I will have a general feeling that she is upset and something happened, but I have to ask someone else to remind me what the fit was about.
It feels like when you are talking and you lose your train of thought, and you know that there was something you wanted to say, but you can't find it. That is how my memories feel. But sometimes they are completely gone and I haven't a clue.
There are big things from my youth that I have suppressed. Being reminded of them scares me. Old friends from school telling me of times they have seen my mom rage and abuse me, or abuse them. And I had forgotten, but then I can see it once again, after being reminded.
Today, I remembered being 4. I remember standing in the entry way of my house and begging my mom not to take me to preschool. I was screaming in terror, and throwing myself on the floor. She was mad at me, she was in a hurry; I was being difficult. I remember feeling like I needed her to hear me. I didn't want to ever go back. My mom never listened, because that would mean I won. She must win. Everything was about her winning over me. She must have thought I was being manipulative. I can feel the terror of having to go to that school even as I sit here and type.
I believe that something bad happened to me there. And yet I can't remember. I remember a few weird scenes that make me feel uncomfortable.
I am angry that my mom didn't listen to me.
There is so much I don't remember.
And it isn't just that I have a bad memory, I can feel that there is something there.
Has anyone been helped by emdr?