[greendoor]

I am thinking that I need to have some EMDR sessions with a therapist. I have some repressed memories. I know that. Even now I have trouble with memory. If something bad happens, I will have a hard time remembering it. I have recently been reminded of huge things that happened just last summer, and when the person talked to me about it, I said, "Oh, I never knew about that." Even though I was completely involved in what happened. They looked at me like I was crazy. I had absolutely no memory of it at all. Then two hours later I remembered being in a room with several people, leading an intervention, on behalf of a kid who had been abused. But I forgot the whole thing.

I forget a lot. I forget problems with my husband. If my mom throws a fit, I can't remember it. I will have a general feeling that she is upset and something happened, but I have to ask someone else to remind me what the fit was about.

It feels like when you are talking and you lose your train of thought, and you know that there was something you wanted to say, but you can't find it. That is how my memories feel. But sometimes they are completely gone and I haven't a clue.

There are big things from my youth that I have suppressed. Being reminded of them scares me. Old friends from school telling me of times they have seen my mom rage and abuse me, or abuse them. And I had forgotten, but then I can see it once again, after being reminded.

Today, I remembered being 4. I remember standing in the entry way of my house and begging my mom not to take me to preschool. I was screaming in terror, and throwing myself on the floor. She was mad at me, she was in a hurry; I was being difficult. I remember feeling like I needed her to hear me. I didn't want to ever go back. My mom never listened, because that would mean I won. She must win. Everything was about her winning over me. She must have thought I was being manipulative. I can feel the terror of having to go to that school even as I sit here and type.

I believe that something bad happened to me there. And yet I can't remember. I remember a few weird scenes that make me feel uncomfortable.

I am angry that my mom didn't listen to me.

There is so much I don't remember.

And it isn't just that I have a bad memory, I can feel that there is something there.

Has anyone been helped by emdr?

[Elphanigh]

Hi Greendoor,

First I have never seen you post so if you are new I want to say a very warm welcome! If not, and I am just behind, I will say a super big hello. Also that I am sorry you had to experience such a rage filled M, my mom was filled with rage as well.

As far as EMDR and repressed memories, it is not necessarily intended to help remember them (from my knowledge). However in my experience it does start to free those memories up just because the nature of the processing that is happening. I have remembered a few more things since starting emdr but it was not something I intentionally sought after. My understanding of repressed memory is that our brain hide them until it feels safe enough to show them to us, so it isn't something we want to force if that makes sense. I could be wrong and obviously a professional opinion would be key.

Emdr has majorly helped my healing, so if that is something you want to do and are ready for definitely try to find a T that can talk you through all of it. I hope that helped some. I have a lot of experience with emdr as a patient but I know it is very individual based