I really need advice (possible tw )

[lyricalliv13]

So the guy that I'm dating is wonderful. He's so kind, and fun and just wonderful all around. There's just a problem with trust. In the past everything was mostly one sided, and looking back there wasn't much of anything there except for a physical attraction. But with him, there's a connection there and I'm terrified of it.

Some background - I'm almost eighteen. I haven't seen my mom in years. But she used to be the person I loved the most. I trusted her the most. Might have been a little bit of trauma bonding there too, I don't know. All I know is that she was all I had for most of my relatively small life, and now she's gone.

Obviously my boyfriend isn't my mom, but the feeling of closeness is just... there are moments when everything is easy and it feels right. I watch him and he's so kind and so loving. And time spent with him is so wonderful. And then there are other moments when my anxiety spikes. I think I just sort of disconnect, and then I worry that I don't even like him anymore, until that anxiety goes away and I'm looking at him and my heart just swells up.

And I realized tonight that I'm terrified. I'm terrified of ever feeling really close with anyone ever again. Ever since I cut my mom off, the people in my family that I trust the most I usually don't spend so much time with. But hanging out with him and laughing, and goofing off and having fun and feeling that kind of... love... Feeling like I can open up to someone, and love someone, and let them into my heart and become someone like that terrifies me. Obviously it's different in some ways, but it's like there was one person who had the top spot in my heart. Only one. Mom was the one person who was my number one and nobody can ever take number one again. I don't want to trust anyone that much ever again. Not even my boyfriend.

How do you make this go away? I know I sound kind of dumb, probably. I guess this is happening because even though it's been years, losing my mom is still new to me. And I'm still pretty much a kid. Maybe a big kid, but still.

I just wanna go back and add that something really weird happened today and I just finished crying a second ago so this might seem weird and scrambly. I spent the day with him and I'm just off right now

He was holding me, and I was looking at the nape of his neck. My mom had short hair. Suddenly I remember being a younger kid and being in her lap. And for a split second the nape of his neck was my mom's. I had to force myself to remember that was my boyfriend. It ruined the moment and it was awful.

What happened??? Was that a flashback? I'm still so iffy on flashbacks. I know some things are EFS. But others are weird. I'm really just... I'm texting him and telling him things now and he's being understanding. Which is good and bad. Because I want to trust him but I don't want to trust him and I'm just... I do NOT want to trust anyone fully again ever. I don't want to be this close to him but I do, I want to push him away but I don't, and I'm terrified and a whole bunch of different things right now. Would anyone mind messaging me? I don't know anyone else with CPTSD so if this sounds familiar and you know how to get through it please tell me how

[Jdog]

Hi-

I know you are going through some really confusing times right now, and it's understandable.  My best advice is to slow way down, know that feelings come and go and you don't have to grasp any one of them.  The attractions, terrors, echoes and memories of your Mom in the current situation with BF - this will all come back to a manageable level in time if you just allow it to flow through you.

When I was your age, my feelings terrified me.  I acted on them too quickly at times, and then thought perhaps I could have just taken more of a breath and tried to find the ground under my feet a little more.  Do you have outlets such as running, playing music, writing, drawing, etc?  If so, use them to support you and to give you space.  Over time, you will gain a better perspective, a vantage point from which to view yourself and your relationships. 

Hugs to you.