Week 2: Stage 1, step 1, activity 1: Permission to get help

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C.

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Week 2: Stage 1, step 1, activity 1: Permission to get help
« on: March 08, 2015, 09:13:54 PM »
There is much read through, think about, and activities for this step. I thought Iíd create a new topic for each activity this time.  Iím hoping that this will simplify our discussions, not overwhelm.  This way we can discuss the ideas and activities that interest us most. 

1.   Give yourself permission to get whatever help you need to face this crisis.Reaching out to a therapist, support group and family and friends means that you do not have to be alone anymore.  Your ASCA support network and ASCA meetings can be invaluable at this time

Re: Week 2: Stage 1, step 1, activity 1: Permission to get help
« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2015, 07:11:43 PM »
I'm not sure about this step. Not generally, just for myself. To ask for support, you need to be able to trust people, and you need to be able to ask for support in the first place. But my FOO taught me to always cope with things on my own, and also I don't trust people easily. Learning to trust and learning to ask for help are two of the things I want to learn in my recovery process. So basically, the first step of the recovery process is to have already reached the goal of my recovery process. Ayayay.

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C.

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Re: Week 2: Stage 1, step 1, activity 1: Permission to get help
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2015, 07:27:22 PM »
Cat I love how you can make me stop and think plus giggle a little all at the same time.  The way I see it, you have taken a step in trust with this forum, this group and with your H...does that feel true for you?

And I know what you mean, I am going to post my challenge around this topic too.

I guess I took reaching out to mean the small few, like a SO and T and crisis line.  And I think that they want to make sure that if we become suicidal we'll contact someone which as Kizzie mentioned is serious, a possible risk, and very important.

Also, I'm able to compartmentalize, skip something that's too hard and go on to something where I feel I can find some success...

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C.

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Re: Week 2: Stage 1, step 1, activity 1: Permission to get help
« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2015, 07:33:14 PM »
I find that reaching out when Iím doing well, or mostly ok, is possible.  Itís the times like today that I donít and maybe I need to?  Iím just feeling fat and ugly and aloneÖClassic to early child stuff, all negative feelings ignored or corrected.  I think todays feelings are related to unpleasant interactions with co-workers since I've learned I'm the canary and the air was a bit toxic this weekend.

I guess I have a pretty hard time accepting this idea on an emotional level.  Iíve had to cut myself off from so many unhealthy people in the last few years, my parents, my exH, pre-divorce friends, repeat of FOO friendsÖThen, in the past I feel like Iíve gone to either end of the spectrum with support people, Iíve been all drama or else everything is always fine.  Itís like the extremes of my emotions.  Iíve learned to regulate them pretty well alone, but I havenít practiced much with other people.  Actually, I think thatís it.  Thatís why sitting here writing I am able to have a cleansing cry and get some support.   How do I practice without burdening another?  Or disclosing too much?

I guess Iím just wondering whereís the balance?  Like when I feel sad and in pain I donít want to burden others, but I donít necessarily want to ignore it either.  I hate when people complain and complain and thereís drama, drama, drama so I donít want to be that person.  But I do like to share a little of my pain, get some empathy, then move on.  I like to do the same for others.  My ex bf was good at that, something I learned can exist and for which Iím very grateful.  But if I talk with someone for support I often donít know when, why or how much or whatÖI tend to go to either extreme on the spectrum.  Too much drama or all's fine...

I wrote down a safety plan last week so I have a list of people for support, then who could be for a crisis and who for general helping to pick me up and feel good interactions.

Re: Week 2: Stage 1, step 1, activity 1: Permission to get help
« Reply #4 on: March 09, 2015, 09:05:35 PM »
Oh, same here. Either too much, or not enough. While I was reading your post, it occurred to me that both these things are a part of the same coin. If you bottle things up, the pressure will mount until the dam bursts. So there's this pattern of not enough (=you suffer in silence) and too much (=you can't bear it anymore). Or is that it? I'm not quite sure yet, it's just a thought that came up.

What you write about how this step is probably meant sounds sensible. Also about the small steps.

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C.

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Re: Week 2: Stage 1, step 1, activity 1: Permission to get help
« Reply #5 on: March 10, 2015, 03:30:39 AM »
It's so validating to hear others have similar experiences.  Yes, it does seem like two sides of the same coin.  And your description is right on.  I hadn't thought about it that way.  I need to learn to let a little steam out at a time...

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bee

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Re: Week 2: Stage 1, step 1, activity 1: Permission to get help
« Reply #6 on: March 10, 2015, 06:44:11 AM »
Going to my T the first time(many years ago now), was so hard for me. My m harped about how t's can't be trusted. I was a kid when there was a big deal made about some case where kids came forward with false memories. My m milked that for all she could. My m also made vague threats that t's throw people in the "nut house"(her words). I had no idea what expect, scared to death at my first appointment, but knew that despite my fear I had to go. I can't remember how many appointments I cried through before I was able to articulate anything. Although I've been seeing my T for years I only recently began to really trust her. I've also recently made a leap to trust my H(20+years) to help me through rough patches. The trust part is allowing him to see my rough patches.

Re: Week 2: Stage 1, step 1, activity 1: Permission to get help
« Reply #7 on: March 10, 2015, 01:32:25 PM »
It's so validating to hear others have similar experiences.  Yes, it does seem like two sides of the same coin.  And your description is right on.  I hadn't thought about it that way.  I need to learn to let a little steam out at a time...

Yes, that, and in my case, I have to learn how to do the mid-sized disclosure thing. Because this is now an ingrained pattern: keep mum or spew out everything. Those are the conversational styles that I've learned. The in-between style is one I have to consciously teach myself from scratch. I'm now able to somewhat do it, more or less, but it still takes a conscious effort and isn't ingrained or instinctual at all. (Yet.)

So that could be an amendment to the first week, to the bit about life changes and tools: "develop some tools you need to care for your needs"?

Bee and keepfighting:  :bighug: 

Same here on the trust issues. It's like peeling an onion. Sometimes I think: "Hah, now I'm able to trust my husband", and then I go on and find out that there's still something deeper that I haven't tackled yet. Letting him see my rough patches is a huge issue with me too.

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Kizzie

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Re: Week 2: Stage 1, step 1, activity 1: Permission to get help
« Reply #8 on: March 10, 2015, 04:54:30 PM »
This issue of trust is a tough one.  I thought I trusted my H completely, that he is the one person on this planet I do and yet there was THE DREAM. I've been thinking about it a lot and I do trust him as much as I can trust anyone.

The latter part is what I see in that dream - the part I don't think I was conscious of before.  We have been together for 30 years and he has never ever given me any reason to distrust him. When I told him about the dream he was a bit shocked and then hugged me (that's the kind of guy he really, truly is).  It makes sense to him that in some deep place I would be afraid that he will just one day stop loving me and will just dump me at the side of the road (KeepFighting - it broke my heart to read about your B - what an F******* legacy, you're so right). 

It's hard to face the fact that after 30 years I still am afraid I will be abandoned by him on some level. That said, I do think it's about me and not him, and that it's my IC feeling that way (and for good reason) and not adult me.  My IC has never been willing or able to challenge that belief before (that everyone will inevitably abandon me so I must be prepared).  I don't know what the next step here is but perhaps just bringing this into awareness will help show a path through this.

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C.

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Re: Week 2: Stage 1, step 1, activity 1: Permission to get help
« Reply #9 on: March 11, 2015, 01:01:27 AM »
I'm not sure whether to say this and like someone said the great thing is, a post can be deleted...but what about the reality that someone could one day leave us?  Not like the childhood abandonment, or an unrealistic loss, but the reality of a best friend moving for a job or a daughter moving for school...I wonder if these dreams maybe are also about how to cope with loss?  Or a surprise?  I don't know, just a thought...

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bee

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Re: Week 2: Stage 1, step 1, activity 1: Permission to get help
« Reply #10 on: March 11, 2015, 10:23:11 PM »
Keep fighting, cat, and Lizzie - thank you for your replies. It is so reassuring to find others who can understand.

This next part feels totally off topic.
In response to C's post.
The truth is people do leave us. I think that's ok to talk about. It's part of life. My sister's husband died, at less than 50. It is very real in my life.
These are my thoughts on that. I'm working toward being in a place where instead of preparing myself for abandonment everyday, I can enjoy the time I have with that person without holding a part of myself back. Being fearful of abandonment means always keeping myself at a distance, never fully being invested in a relationship. As a child abandonment is equivalent to death. Human children are not self sufficient. As I work through the pain and terror I felt at being abandoned as a child I hope to gain the belief/knowledge/faith in myself that I will survive future loses. I still expect future losses to hurt, but the goal is that I do not have an overwhelming feeling of annihilation along with the pain. I could continue as I have been, always thinking of contingency plans, but I believe more and more that I want more than that. Until I work through my childhood feelings all new losses will feel like I am facing death.

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anosognosia

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Re: Week 2: Stage 1, step 1, activity 1: Permission to get help
« Reply #11 on: March 12, 2015, 02:08:21 AM »
1.   Give yourself permission to get whatever help you need to face this crisis.Reaching out to a therapist, support group and family and friends means that you do not have to be alone anymore.  Your ASCA support network and ASCA meetings can be invaluable at this time

I think I'm always going to have a therapist. For the rest of my life. Not only because I want to keep on top of my post-trauma maintenance, but I also want a generally happier outlook on life. Most people I think should have a therapist, and so I'm committed to living my life as fully as I possibly can, as uncomfortable as it is (having a tendency to self sabotage).

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Kizzie

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Re: Week 2: Stage 1, step 1, activity 1: Permission to get help
« Reply #12 on: March 12, 2015, 02:45:23 AM »
Hmmmmm C that's an interesting thought.  Is it along the lines of what Bee is suggesting -  helping our IC get through loss in a healthy way ( or am I off track here)?

« Last Edit: March 12, 2015, 02:51:34 AM by Kizzie »

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C.

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Re: Week 2: Stage 1, step 1, activity 1: Permission to get help
« Reply #13 on: March 12, 2015, 10:24:44 PM »
I think a little of both.  Helping our IC get through loss in a healthy way knowing, like what was mentioned here, that loss will happen again, and that IC practice will make it easier and more manageable now as an adult.  Maybe even "practice" a potential loss that could happen now and thinking of how one would cope.  Not too much, not too traumatizing, just a few Plan B's...It's like maybe our dreams help us do that? 

Keeping in mind what's been said here about remember to focus on the present and be mindful.  It could be easy to obsess over a fear and that's not the idea, just to be as prepared as possible.  And that perhaps our dreams help us to do so.

I "dreamed" a horrible reality when my daughter was small, I chose to take extra precautions and when that dream became a "reality" I was more ready...But I'm not likening it to your dream.  But your dream sounds like it was about anxiety, abandoment, and fear, like you said.  My dream was more like a vision, if you believe in such things, and had a different feel to it.  It's just an example where a dream helped me cope in the future...

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Kizzie

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Re: Week 2: Stage 1, step 1, activity 1: Permission to get help
« Reply #14 on: March 14, 2015, 03:55:42 AM »
OK I think I see what you mean. Maybe dreaming is us giving ourselves permission to be more open about the things we fear the most, but not so open it overwhelms us and in a somewhat safe way.  In dreaming we can say "Well it was just a dream" and then look at where it might be coming from in the light of day.

Now hopefully my dream about my H abandoning me will NOT come true, but I see that just may be a form of practising for loss. Actually I talked more with my H about the dream and in doing so I had this feeling that I was allowing more of the fear of abandonment to surface, to talk about it with the person I trust most in the world, to practise feeling what that might be like and with someone who is not likely to leave me.  Perhaps all the while my IC is watching and gauging how it goes.