Question about being 'Medium Chill'

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memorex

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Question about being 'Medium Chill'
« on: November 03, 2018, 03:52:34 PM »
Hello to all. I have a query...

I understand how to do 'Medium Chill' (MC). What I dont get is what the AIM of it is. Let me explain...

Is it more for use as a temporary tool when someone/abusive FOO are being awful and physical contact with them cant be avoided, say, at Christmas or birthday gatherings? Is it a long term tool to be used for every time you see someone who is problematic? So, in other words, as a shield, of sorts?

Or is the aim more to hope the person will eventually stop being the way that is so upsetting? Either because in 5 minutes they are likely to be calmer (as they may be someone who tends to blow hot and cold), or because they may realise they are being too difficult and get the message? Or even that the person may eventually realise, say, over months, that their behaviour is too difficult?

Another way I can put this is to ask; Is it a long term solution for constant use with someone who is constantly difficult whenever one has to see them? Or is it more short term, for moments with someone who is occasionally difficult? I cant help being confused because, if someone is constantly difficult every time, then wouldnt going no contact be more appropriate?

I ask as I have read the dedicated page on this site about this subject, but wanted to ask more if thats okay.

I appreciate this might not be the right place to post this-if so I apologise if thats the case, and welcome guidance on where it should be placed, or it being moved automatically.

Anyway-all input is very welcome on this topic.

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Blueberry

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Re: Question about being 'Medium Chill'
« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2018, 04:34:29 PM »
I think you can use MC however it helps you. It's just a tool after all.  I used it e.g. when a FOO mbr phoned me out of the blue a while ago. I was so much taken by surprise the only thing I could do was MC combined with Grey Rock. I use it now in emails to FOO.

For some on OOTF I gather that it's part of the way enroute to NC, for others it's to enable them contact with disordered people e.g. ex-spouses who still have visiting rights to children etc.

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Three Roses

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Re: Question about being 'Medium Chill'
« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2018, 08:42:19 PM »
I'd like to offer my opinion that MC is whatever you need it to be, whether it's how you always interact with a person/group or it's momentary/situational. Its focus is on your feelings, emotions, and welfare, and not the other person's; it's about you disengaging from drama or attempts at unwelcome closeness.

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memorex

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Re: Question about being 'Medium Chill'
« Reply #3 on: November 04, 2018, 01:35:56 PM »
Thanks for the thoughts-all very interesting to hear.

I guess for me, Im a bit torn because I feel like I ended up going NC with FOO. Not by decision, but out of self preservation, after continuously getting all my boundaries ignored again and again despite speaking up for myself.

Of course I have that worry and guilt many of us seem to; a fear I may have made a 'wrong' choice. Whatever that means....

I guess Im just confused by medium chill/MC. I only read about it after going NC, and when I first heard about it, I thought; "Oh, MC is what I ALWAYS did to cope with them most of my life growing up". To me, it felt like having to cocoon myself in rock in order to stop them. But inside, I still would feel hurt or upset or anger over what they would say/things they would do etc-I just wouldnt show it.

Yet they never seemed to notice. And I found it hard to then switch out of that rock cocoon in other areas of my life.

I like the idea of MC, but for me, I keep seeing it as retreating back to a cocoon and not being myself, not speaking up for myself etc. But I feel like im missing something here-like I've misunderstood something about MC and its benefits and value.

As I say, I can totally see the benefit when contact with FOO is unavoidable though. Or when the person varies in their behavior and is sometimes okay. Or if I didnt yet feel able to separate from them fully. The thing about it sometimes being part of the path to NC makes sense to me too. Although for me, personally, if the only way to exist around FOO is to barely exist at all, it makes me feel the logical/self care thing to do is recognise the unhealthy situation it is and remove myself.

Again, please understand, this is all just what I personally feel works for me. And im not claiming one thing is 'better' than the other or wrong or right. Im just trying to understand and explore how others use MC, how it helps or doesnt for them, in order to make sense of my own current feelings.

All comments welcome.

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Three Roses

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Re: Question about being 'Medium Chill'
« Reply #4 on: November 04, 2018, 05:19:02 PM »
I guess I use MC when I absolutely have to interact irl with people I disagree with, or that I don't want to know much about me. I was MC with sibling until my folks passed and then I went NC; at first it just kind of happened because we stopped calling each other, but since he contacted me again after a thirteen year period, I've gone formally NC with him. I feel better about the formality of it this time, feels like I stood up for myself!