Figured out something big

[lyricalliv13]

I'm sorry for posting so much on this site. I know I whine and gripe a lot but this is something really special and positive and I wanted to post it. I guess it's also kind of bittersweet but for the most part, it's really positive.

I think I'm falling in love. Actually, walking. Walking is a better word for it. It's been like riding a bull with CPTSD stuff and whatnot, and a couple times my anxiety over things almost made me end it, but I clung on because thankfully I know now how my anxiety works and how to make it pass. I've been able to be really open with him about that anxiety and about my CPTSD which has really helped.

But I think I'm starting to love him. I know what attachment is. I know about infatuation. I've had those things. But this is really new. It's not this all consuming, 24/7 thinking about him sort of thing. It just feels whole, and natural and easy. We were good friends for like a year before we started liking each other, and none of that has changed. We're still best friends. There's just something more added to the mix. And the more I learn about him, and get to know about him, the more he seems to be taking a very special place in my heart.

Here's the thing that I figured out. It hit me all at once while in the car with him. I sobbed when I got home. Hardcore ugly cried.

Before, when I was younger and I still lived with my mom, my happiness depended on her. My mom had this special spot in my heart, too. I loved her the most. I trusted her the most. But as I got older, she crushed that.

I didn't realize until that car ride, when I thought about it, that there was this special place in my heart. Like a top spot. The spot for someone #1. And I'm pretty young, so the last person who had that spot was my mom. Ever since, nobody has ever had that spot. No one. Not even people who really deserve it. It's like that part of me just got walled off.

And here comes this special person, who keeps edging his way closer to that spot without me even realizing it. I didn't even know that was possible. I thought this stuff happened in your 30s, and I thought it'd be more like this fiery, overwhelming passionate thing. This just feels like... home. A different kind of home. It's calm and relaxed.

When I got home I sobbed so hard. I think realizing this is what did it. And I came to a bunch of conclusions I don't even know how to explain so I'm just gonna list everything off here.

1. My mom and even the things she did to me aren't gonna hurt this much when I'm older. Everything about her - including how much she used to mean to me - is just going to fade away. I'm going to love other people. Other people are going to take big spots of my heart. This woman is just gonna be a speck in the grand scheme of things
2. Me starting to love him is probably what triggered all the EFs on our dates and there might be more, hopefully less now though that I'm aware of why
3. After everything, I managed to address my own toxic behaviors. I'm not the mess I used to be anymore, and I can get even better. After everything I can still love someone
4. Love isn't infatuation.

I hope I don't sound dumb. I know this is weird, but can anybody relate? Has anybody had moments like this with their S.O?

[Three Roses]

After everything, I managed to address my own toxic behaviors. I'm not the mess I used to be anymore, and I can get even better. After everything I can still love someone

Love this! Taking accountability, bravo.

Everything else you said was highly relatable.

[integrity]

This is lovely I hope it is still going well for you.
A real, whole, gentle kind of love is very healing. My SO and I found that with each other, I think... it was a rocky start but we have it now. His consistency and love have really helped me to start healing.

I love that you are still getting better, learning to love and keeping your heart open for the right person. 

[LilyITV]

This was such a beautiful post!!

My situation is a little different in that I've been married 10 years, but still pretty walled off from him emotionally.  My mother also emotionally abandoned me at a critical time in my life.  I can identify with the feeling of being able to let someone into your heart little by little.   Your post gives me hope that one day I'll be able to let him in completely. 

[milk]

4. Love isn’t infatuation.

Hearing where you are makes me happy for you - moving through all those sensations to a calm relaxed state, is humbling. It frightened me at first because it was new. Once I sat with it for a bit, the sensations (EF responses, natural chemical states) fell away. I have this theory that ‘walking’ in love regenerates itself over and over again (its different each time, more intense with the same partner)— every time one goes through it, it releases baggage becoming more pure or authentic? is a better word. 

Enjoy discovering who you are as you come to know love more deeply.