Shout out to fellow Northern Irish with C-PTSD

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Pilgrim

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Shout out to fellow Northern Irish with C-PTSD
« on: September 06, 2018, 08:13:21 AM »
Hi. Just wanted to touch base with fellow Northern Irelanderís born and bred through The Troubles and left with C-PTSD. Been having a hard time lately and had a bad flare up of Disorder - the usual uncontrollable rage at myself followed by finding the police and paramedics in the house. Uniforms really donít help in those situations funny enough 😧. Spending most my time when trying to sleep pleading with I donít know who since iím an atheist that I donít see the sunrise. Angry that we are just seen as acceptable collateral damage - no need for an inquiry for us- the public may feel that there is peace. I donít think we will ever be allowed that privilege. Sorry to sound so negative- itís just that unless youíve been there itís hard for others to understand what itís left you with. My family were distraught at my recent flare up - they didnít know what to do and in the end they called the ambulance and police. My husband just cried and cried because he felt useless and in pain to see that my pain never leaves. We DESERVE to be recognised ; we DESERVE not to be forgotten. Cheers Lou

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Kizzie

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Re: Shout out to fellow Northern Irish with C-PTSD
« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2018, 04:57:33 PM »
Quote
We DESERVE to be recognised ; we DESERVE not to be forgotten.

So sorry to hear you are dealing with a flare up Pilgrim, it doesn't go away simply because it is over from a political perspective. That trauma resides deep within us until we can process it IMO. In my country our Indigenous children and their families are sill suffering greatly from the residential school debacle (children were taken from their families and put into schools) two generations on. Thankfully our govt is taking steps to bring it out into the open and move toward reconciliation including treatment & services finally.

Are there any groups there who are pushing for this kind of action?  Joining with others would likely go a long way to helping you and others who are still suffering. Also, if you're interested you could write an article for the OOTS Blog about developing Complex PTSD as a result what you lived through.  It would shed light on political/social causes of Complex PTSD and more importantly, might help you because you are actively  working to not be forgotten and to raise awareness.  Just a thought.

Note: I moved your post here so that hopefully others who developed Complex PTSD as a result of the Troubles in NI will find you more easily.   :)


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sanmagic7

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Re: Shout out to fellow Northern Irish with C-PTSD
« Reply #2 on: September 08, 2018, 07:01:45 PM »
sending love and a hug filled with compassion.  you have gone thru too much, and absolutely deserve to be heard and not forgotten.  i think kizzie's idea of a support group is excellent.  so very sorry you're going thru this, pilgrim.

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Pilgrim

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Re: Shout out to fellow Northern Irish with C-PTSD
« Reply #3 on: November 14, 2018, 07:41:14 AM »
Hi

Was just wondering if there were any ďborn and bredĒ Northern Irish on the Forum specially those who were born into and grew up during The Troubles? Do you think that The Troubles played a role in your developing C-PTSD during childhood ? I canít attribute it all but it sure played itís part. Just an ordinary, non-bigoted kid, trying to figure out the rules of a game I never asked to play and could find no-one willing to explain them.

Over half the dead from The Troubles were ordinary civilians yet we scared and scared civilian survivors never get any mention, let alone a public inquiry. I feel we should be acknowledged- we constantly carry the blame for othersí misdeeds and for a new generation let their feet tread on softer ground. I describe myself as NIís Walking Dead.

Cheers for any replies

Lou
« Last Edit: November 14, 2018, 07:33:22 PM by Blueberry »

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Three Roses

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Re: Shout out to fellow Northern Irish with C-PTSD
« Reply #4 on: November 14, 2018, 03:19:15 PM »
I'm not from Ireland, but I'm sure that living through such pervasive violence at the very least contributed to your cptsd. Giving you support from across the pond.

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Blueberry

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Re: Shout out to fellow Northern Irish with C-PTSD
« Reply #5 on: November 14, 2018, 09:47:55 PM »
I'm not from Northern Ireland, I've never even been there. I can hazard a guess that not many members on OOTS are from NI, and that not many people who casually read here are either.

I agree with Kizzie's suggestion further upthread that trying to find reconciliation groups or trauma support groups in NI might be helpful. I've just googled to see if I can find anything and found this link: http://www.belfasttrust.hscni.net/pdf/Trauma_Services_Directory_Eastern_Trauma_Advisory_Panel.pdf

It's a long list with many addresses of various healing and advocacy groups e.g. Bridge of Hopeís Mission Statement is:
ďTo empower and promote positive change for people who have been bereaved, physically harmed or psychologically affected by the conflict.Ē
                                                     Or
Corpus Christi "To provide one to one and group counselling and support to those bereaved, traumatised or injured
as a result of the 'Troubles " 

I also saw a fair number of newspaper articles mentioning ptsd or cptsd due to The Troubles, so it looks to me as if there's knowledge in NI of what you're asking on the forum. You're very welcome on the forum of course, e.g. to vent but it just seems that many more mbrs here with childhood-onset cptsd have it due to abuse in their FOO rather than that plus armed conflict/political disruption etc. I've never lived in a country at war or similar so I can't validate for you in the same way as I can for mbrs here who experienced abuse and neglect similar to my own. I'm assuming it's similar for others on here, so that may be partly why you're not getting many responses.

I'm sure that The Troubles would certainly play a role in the development of cptsd. If there was any form of abuse and/or neglect in your FOO when you were growing then that and The Troubles - well, they would mutually exacerbate the problem.

Good luck with finding fellow NI-ers who understand what you're going through. If you like, let us know how you're doing.
« Last Edit: November 14, 2018, 09:50:13 PM by Blueberry »

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milk

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Re: Shout out to fellow Northern Irish with C-PTSD
« Reply #6 on: November 19, 2018, 06:35:48 AM »
Hello Pilgrim,  TW*police violence

I read your post the other day.

“Angry that we are just seen as acceptable collateral damage - no need for an inquiry for us- the public may feel that there is peace. I don’t think we will ever be allowed that privilege ——- My husband just cried and cried because he felt useless and in pain to see that my pain never leaves. We DESERVE to be recognised ; we DESERVE not to be forgotten.”

At times I feel angry and sad that ‘we’ are seen as acceptable collateral damage - I have lived with this since childhood, too. TW** police violence —- in my city the police would come through the neighborhoods and pick up people, women, young girls - all the doors would be shut, no one is on the street, but me an eight year old, I saw it all. No one did any thing - no one talked about it and yep no police were held accountable. It was just how things were, I watched others find a way to live with it —- I saw how it destroyed people from the inside out (lies) —- I didn’t want to be one of those people, gone, and I want/ed justice.  You are a fighter of the heart! That uncontrollable rage comes from the heart.

I learned how to push out that anger in a healthy constructive way (after doing it the unhealthy way first), so I could be myself and not what others put on me. I dont know what its like for you but I can share how I work through anger and sadness after experiencing the ‘madness’ of a sick community.

You wrote that you were a survivor and that people blame you for others misdeeds (projecting their loss onto you through a superfical association). This is what hate crimes are made of. When it is experienced on a daily basis, they are called ‘micro aggressions’ — these microaggressions build up and we can internalize them, especially if we experienced these aggressions as children. It’s a dark emotion that builds up inside yet it is not who we are — it is how our mind and body deal with the ‘madness’ we experience.

Over the years, I have read stories of others who lived through this —- and I have retained a few stories that remind me to see clearly through the ‘sickness’ of others (people acting out their beliefs with/without the intention to diminish the presence of another) One that I enjoy is of a grandmother sitting on the bench with her granddaughter in a park. The little girl asks her nana why there are drinking fountains for different people? Her Nana tells her, oh, don’t you mind those folk who tell you where to drink — they are not well; they are a lost people, forgot who they were — so you go on being who you are, and never mind them.  (I get these stories from James Baldwin, Martin Luther King, Bell Hooks, Maya Angelou, and others) Name it. claim it. tame it —- lines from these stories play back to me when I experience micro-aggressions — in fact, over a month ago, I was camping by the beach and a stranger walks by my tent ‘gotchya dead * nigger.’ This road man woke me up straight —- then I laughed. This man is crazy and has no idea what he is saying — its from an old time.  Yeah I was angry, got triggered, then made my way to sadness — a walk in the woods cleared my head (the water is no good here, otherwise I would have gone ocean swimming). I write, too — and this man’s gait and tone is another feature I can add to a sick character in my novel. My best outlet thus far, it gives me practice in voicing. I lost my voice to protect myself long ago and i dont have to do that anymore. My story may help someone else through the ‘madness’ and this gives me peace.

I do not know ‘the troubles’ in Northern Ireland (NI), like you do. I do know it has affected generations of people. Abuse over decades or centuries plays a mean game with the mind for any human being —- it never wins, it scars the heart; it is a HARD play. (I have a personal story about this play; a series of actions)  I found my uncle (never met him) many years ago. I called him to make plans for a visit. He told me, ‘don’t bother, everyone is gone, dead — you just keep going. But, you are there,’ I told him. ‘No, there is nothing here for you.’ That is when I realized what abuse feels like when its played out over centuries (American Indian and Black communities) My uncle believed he had ‘nothing’ for me - he gave up and he told me so. I appreciated his honesty, especially the ‘keep going’ bit —-  your words ‘we deserve to not be forgotten’ comes here —- I know the story. You know your story - tell it.

Some NI leads for you -

There is one place in NI, you may have been there — Corrymeela, its outside the city. I heard good things about this place; they give shelter to families who lost their homes in Belfast. I knew a girl who relocated there in her youth, she smiled when she told me. The people there share stories and help one another to heal.  I had another friend, a fellow photographer from NI — like you, non-bigoted youth. We shared images of the cities we lived in (some troubled, some not). For me, connecting with him was a way to reconcile the madness, he knew what I knew; it was in his eyes. Our images were split seconds of uncanny ‘sunrises’ in the bleakness that seems to be everywhere. As I kept shooting images of ‘sunrises,’ I started noticing more and more, over the years.

Here is a link to his site - https://www.flickr.com/people/squintyeye/

I am not ‘born and bred’ from Northern Ireland but some of my roots come from Whiteabbey and the elders in my family remind us of their story. This is the other side of my family that is still ‘alive.’

milk
« Last Edit: November 25, 2018, 04:49:47 AM by milk »

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Slim

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Re: Shout out to fellow Northern Irish with C-PTSD
« Reply #7 on: December 29, 2018, 01:10:48 PM »
My son, and his Belfast girlfriend have no knowledge of the war in North....they were born in the 90s.

I have come across a lot of people who have been deeply scarred by the experiences during the war.

Calling it War, rather than Troubles, is not a political gesture, but rather a way not to minimise the violence, murder, pain, and suffering that went on for decades, if not hundereds of years, both in NI, and Scotland.

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Blueberry

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Re: Shout out to fellow Northern Irish with C-PTSD
« Reply #8 on: December 29, 2018, 06:58:01 PM »
Calling it War, rather than Troubles, is not a political gesture, but rather a way not to minimise the violence, murder, pain, and suffering that went on for decades, if not hundereds of years, both in NI, and Scotland.

Good point, I hadn't thought of that.

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irishrebel

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Re: Shout out to fellow Northern Irish with C-PTSD
« Reply #9 on: May 27, 2019, 07:52:44 AM »
i hear you.
war in the street, war in the home.
policemen who acted like the gestapo. paramilitaries who were control freaks. middle class shrinks who hadnt a clue
the north of ireland is planet complex trauma...most just havent cottoned on yet



Hi

Was just wondering if there were any ďborn and bredĒ Northern Irish on the Forum specially those who were born into and grew up during The Troubles? Do you think that The Troubles played a role in your developing C-PTSD during childhood ? I canít attribute it all but it sure played itís part. Just an ordinary, non-bigoted kid, trying to figure out the rules of a game I never asked to play and could find no-one willing to explain them.

Over half the dead from The Troubles were ordinary civilians yet we scared and scared civilian survivors never get any mention, let alone a public inquiry. I feel we should be acknowledged- we constantly carry the blame for othersí misdeeds and for a new generation let their feet tread on softer ground. I describe myself as NIís Walking Dead.

Cheers for any replies

Lou