[C.]

5.   Don't make any big decisions during this time.  It may be hard to think clearly right now, and you don't want to complicate your predicament by acting impulsively.  If you are suicidal or fear you might harm yourself or another, reach out to friends and empathetic family for help.  If you are in therapy, call your therapist and schedule an emergency appointment.  If your therapist is not available, call a suicide or crisis hotline.  One day in the future when your life is better, you will be glad you did.

[Kizzie]

If you do find yourself having suicidal thoughts please do not wait, as C suggests reach out right away.  Here are links to hotlines around the world:

Befrienders Worldwide" provides emotional support worldwide to prevent suicide - http://www.befrienders.org/

The International Association for Suicide Prevention" (IASP)  provides information about where to find help around the world http://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

"Hot Peach" contains an extensive international inventory of hotlines, shelters, refuges, crisis centers and women's organizations, searchable by country, and domestic violence resources in over 70 languages - http://www.hotpeachpages.net

[C.]

I've made conscious decisions right now to stay in the same town and the same house.  I also don't want a new significant other, it's just too triggering. 
Like Kizzie said I know where to turn if I feel suicidal and I know I would take action to do so if needed.  That has been the case in the past and I have used crisis lines successfully.

[anosognosia]

I also don't want a new significant other, it's just too triggering. 

I'm in the same space. I've taken some distance from my s.o. and only see him every two weeks or so.

[C.]

I said that I don't want an s.o. and then a friend who's expressed an interest in dating contacted me.  I did go ahead and call and would like to start talking more, but it was triggering.  I felt so nervous calling him when before I didn't.  Just the fact I know he's "interested" has made me nervous.  On the other hand he has always been a kind man and a gentleman so I don't want to brush him off.  The good thing is that I know I'm not ready for much so a slowly evolving friendship would be great with a potential for more if he's good for me...we'll see. 

In the past I would have jumped in feet first without thinking.  He's interested, potential bf, I'm in!  So I know that I've made progress and am now cautious like this activity suggests.

This makes me think about the fact that starting or ending a relationship needs to be thought about and approached carefully.  I'd never thought about it as a "big decision."

Ana, sounds like you've found a wise solution with your s.o.  Simply limit contact. 

I also remember when my mom considered divorcing my dad after her mother died.  She didn't because she knew it was bad timing for a big decision.  I always secretly wished my parents would divorce.  A big part of my trauma was witnessing my dad's verbal/emotional abuse of my mom on a daily basis.  He was always yelling and insulting her.  I haven't seen much about how that can traumatize but I think it does.  It's quite frightening for a child, then "normal" which is maybe worse.

They're both somewhat more appropriate when the other is not around, and maybe they'd "find" themselves then, but it's not going to happen.

[anosognosia]

This makes me think about the fact that starting or ending a relationship needs to be thought about and approached carefully.  I'd never thought about it as a "big decision."

Ana, sounds like you've found a wise solution with your s.o.  Simply limit contact. 

I still have high anxiety moments. It was only last night when I was intimate with him that I had a few moments of deep breathing and "catching myself" (finding myself) and realized this whole past year and probably all my previous relationships, I was basically in a high high state of anxiety in their presence. It's just my "regular state" and I'm just starting to recognize how my old baseline was pathological.

The only way I can calm myself down is by mantras like "do I like him? It's not about figuring out what he wants from me, it's only about how I feel about him" "No bulls$*T" (with which I mean projecting my family dynamic onto him) and "I am first and foremost dating myself. In my life, I come first". I try to take deep inhales and exhales, but it's hard.  It's only recently that I found truly authentically enjoyable moments with him while staying in my power.

[C.]

That's encouraging to know.  I am just becoming aware of my anxious states around other people, what they look like and when they happen, especially regarding my ex, dating, and work...This description helps, thanks.

[Kizzie]

Ana I really like your description of staying in your power It resonates with me because Cat recently had a thread about other referencing and it was like a light went off, a huge aha moment for me.  When I focus on others, there is no room for me - bad times to make any decisions!

Anyway, now I can see that too many times I have made decisions when I was not in my power, in my skin (self-referencing), when I was outwardly focused (other-referencing) and what others thought/wanted. And no surprise but the decision would come back and bite me in the a**   

[anosognosia]

That's encouraging to know.  I am just becoming aware of my anxious states around other people, what they look like and when they happen, especially regarding my ex, dating, and work...This description helps, thanks.

Ugh, while there is great solace in knowing I'm not the only one going through this, I sometimes still have rage against the fact that we are. SOLIDARITY!